So far golf balls, top hats and mud haven't worked on the Sarah Palin Memorial Gulf Oil Disaster. Here's my idea: a giant sock, or to be a bit more evocative, the Paul Bunyan Condom. If I may quote the divine Terri Garr:
He would have an enormous Schwannstucker!
I'll tell you how this works below the fold, but I'm warning you: I want royalties when this works!
You get the biggest flexible and (when filled) cylindrical object in the world, for example, Paul Bunyan's sock. Or something else used by Paul Bunyon.
You strap on a bunch of fishing weights around the open end (the one Paul Bunyan puts his foot or whatever into.). So, once you sink it in the water so the open end covers up the leaking part of the well.
This is a mile down and a lot of pressure, so the, uh, sock, will have to be made out of Kevlar or something equivalent. Now, the key is to cut a hole in the toe area of the sock, and attach it to the world's largest garden hose. The sock then drifts down over the oil, and the drawstring (did I mention that -- it's like those old 1970s purses that were shaped like Hobbit baggage, complete with drawstring), gets pulled tight, the sock is erected by the surging pressure, and the oil gushes up into the world's largest garden hose. The hose is held on to the end of the sock by a whole lot duct tape.
The hose then goes up to the top of the water to a handy extra oil tanker or two, and is loaded on board. This continues on forever, until the well runs out of oll or we run out of oil tankers. Maybe that's a week point in this plan.
Well, you get what you pay for. Maybe before that some relief wells could be dug. Or God could invent fish and sea turtles that love oil, just like he (God) invented guns.