From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Dialing for Dickheads
Okay, I need everyone to be real quiet for a moment. I'm calling Sean Hannity to ask a very important question:
[Szhik! D-d-d-d-d...] [Szhik! D-d-d-d-d...]
Sorry. I still use a rotary phone....
[Szhik! D-d-d-d-d-d...] [Szhik! D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d...] [Szhik! D...] [Szhik! D...] [Szhik! D...]
[Rrrrrrring... Rrrrrring...]
Hello?
Hi, is this Sean Hannity?
Yes it is.
Hi, this is Bill in Portland Maine, where it's 95 degrees in the shade, but that's nothing compared to the rest of the country, especially Washington, D.C. which is excessively hot and brutally humid. So I'm calling to ask you a quick question: do you remember last February when you said that the snow storm in the nation's capital "would seem to contradict Al Gore’s hysterical global warming theories"?
Oh, blow me! [Click]
Hmmm. Touchy...and apparently touched by a wee bit 'o the amnesia. Okay, next we'll call Rush Limbaugh and Senator James Inhofe and all the other right-wing reality-averse dickheads who are strangely silent about global warming lately. Maybe we can jog their memories. I doubt they'll be very talkative, either, but hope springs eternal!
[Szhik! D-d-d-d-d...]
Meanwhile Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Note: If you need a bracket, take a bracket. If you have a bracket, leave a bracket. { ] [[}] {
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Netroots Nation convention in Vegas: 15
Days `til the 26th annual Moxie Festival in Lisbon Falls: 2
Increase in U.S. millionaires in 2009: 15%
Percent of America's wealth that those 4.7 millionaires own: 55%
(Source: L.A. Times via The Week)
Amount of highway-striping paint the Maine Dept. of Transportation buys per year: 284,000 gallons
Percent of the paint that's, respectively, white and yellow: 40%, 60%
(Source: The Portland Daily Sun)
High temperature in Portland, Maine yesterday, a record: 92
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 170 (including 4 Crime Rates and 1 thoughtful driver safety tip). Soul Protection Factor 30 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day (via Kossack Bill Evans at Mariposa): Amazing rescue: "He was completely starved," Zak Anderegg said. "He was, my best guess, 24 to 48 hours from being dead."
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JEERS (what else?) to Oilpocalypse: Day 79. I was somewhat disconnected from the fire hose of news over the holiday weekend, but I gotta say that a little break from the action makes one realize, when one returns to the fray, that the situation in the gulf has become a freakish carnival of equal parts Fellini, Catch-22, the guys from Dumb & Dumber (minus the hearts of gold), and The Blob. The latest from what I can gather:
>> They're deploying a blimp. I believe it's called Hindenburg II.
>> The Ho-My-God-That's-A-Fuckin'-Huge-Tanker called "A Whale" is gathering and filtering oil. Apparently by the thimbleful.
>> Journalists who try to do journalism could be fined $40,000 and hang by their thumbs in prison for a good long time if the authorities in charge---i.e. British Petroleum flacks---snap their fingers. Freedom of the press is so 1970s.
>> Tarballs arrive in Texas. Tarballs arrive in Lake Pontchartrain. BP's idea to mark them "Return to Sender" fails to produce the desired result.
>> BP has, thus far, cleaned up approximately .000001 percent of what their Super Friends Action League Emergency Response Plan promised they could. But they have a very good excuse: the cleanup was supposed to be handled by all the gulf's walruses.
>> The gusher continues to make really weird gurgling noises. No, wait, that's my stomach.
And now the good news: Quick, look OVER THERE! [ker-SLAM!]
CHEERS to good news. Okay, okay, I found a nugget that may bring a sigh of relief...to Atlantic coast residents, anyway. Remember last month when projections said that the oil would be swirling out of the gulf, soiling the Keys and then fouling beaches as far north as Virginia by Day 80? Tomorrow is Day 80. The oil is---as far as we know---still isolated in the gulf. [waves tiny paper American flag like the kind found stuck in cupcakes] Um...rah?
JEERS to things that sense do not make. Breaking last night from the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force:
Hawaii Gov. Linda Lingle today vetoed a bill that would have granted same-sex and opposite-sex couples the right to enter into civil unions. The legislation passed the state House on April 29 by a 31–20 vote and the state Senate on Jan. 22 by an 18–7 vote.
"Governor Lingle’s veto of legislation that would protect and strengthen Hawaii’s families is beyond a disappointment: It is a disgrace," said Rea Carey, NGLTF Executive Director. "Hawaii’s lawmakers passed this bill because it was about fundamental fairness. The governor’s action today flies in the face of both common sense and common humanity. We urge the Hawaii Legislature to override this veto."
No civil unions in Hawaii? Really? [Pores over world map to see if maybe there isn’t another Hawaii somewhere---like maybe the evil cousin of the real, accepting-everyone-with-open-arms Hawaii...maybe located somewhere around Saudi Arabia?] Nope. Just one Hawaii. A very baaaaad Hawaii.
CHEERS to a good start. Hey, everyone, looka this! Why, it's Bill O'Reilly's worst nightmare: the official federal government web site for United States Senator Al Franken. Awesome! I bring this up because one year ago today, at 12:15pm, Senate President Joe Biden administered the oath of office to Franken. And also the spit handshake, the pinky clasp, the bunny hop, and the blowing of the conch. I'm not from Minnesota, but it seems to me from afar that Al has picked up where Paul Wellstone left off---i.e. 20 million light years closer to the his vision than Norm Coleman ever got. Two words for you who will see him in a couple weeks at Netroots Nation: lucky ducks.
JEERS to stickin' it to the folks. Okay, I just noticed something. The state of Maine seem to have a little fixation with stabbings. Seriously. You can’t swing a leather sheath around here without reading about either someone getting sentenced for stabbing, or someone committing a fresh one. It happens in the big city, the medium towns and the tiny towns. It happens on campus and even outside the hospital, which is where I'd want to be stabbed, I guess, if I had to be stabbed at all, because, hey, you can just wave to the doctor to come patch up your gaping Maine stab wound. Unfortunately, I may have to lay the blame for this bizarre situation at the feet of the late Molly Ivins (bless her heart), who said:
I am not anti-gun. I'm pro-knife. Consider the merits of the knife. In the first place, you have to catch up with someone in order to stab him. A general substitution of knives for guns would promote physical fitness. We'd turn into a whole nation of great runners. Plus, knives don't ricochet. And people are seldom killed while cleaning their knives.
Still, if ya come to Maine, a quick word of advice: skip the Kevlar vest---think chainmail body suit instead.
JEERS to taking hate on the road. What the hell...it's the middle of summer, nothing better for the frothing right-wing fringe (led by NOM, of course) to do but form a caravan and roam the country hating on gay marriage. But looking at a map of their itinerary, one might conclude they've got a bit of a vagina fixation. (And that surprises who?) Oh well. There will be plenty of counter-demonstrations and it'll help perk up the summer blahs. Tour starts the 14th. And you'll never guess who's carrying their luggage!
CHEERS to justice by the carton. Eleven years ago today, in the first class-action lawsuit of its kind to go to trial, a jury in Miami held cigarette makers liable for making a defective product that causes emphysema, lung cancer and other nasties in adults. Big Tobacco learned a valuable lesson from the verdict: go after the kids.
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Five years ago in C&J: July 7, 2005
JEERS to bloody reminders. Terrorists rear their ugly heads as six explosions rip through London during morning rush hour. So far: 40 dead, 300 injured (this eerie image will undoubtedly be one of the most-published photos in the press), and at least one double-decker bus that even Triple-A won't touch. Our thoughts go out to the victims...our contempt to the assholes who did it.
P.S. Memo to Bush: Easy on the rhetoric, pal. You always seem to make things worse.
CHEERS to a bonny old spot of competition. London nabs the 2012 Olympic Games from under France's nose. Cheer up Jacques; You'll always have Paris.
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And just one more...
JEERS to fortune-teller FAIL. Time now for another Proud Moment in Punditry, in which we celebrate the wisdom of the beltway's best and brightest. Today we're following up on a prediction made by CNN's Gloria Borger, whose entry in the "Tell Me Something I Don't Know" segment on The Chris Matthews Show one year ago confirms her status as a cocktail party A-lister:
"A leader of the Republican party will finally emerge in the next year. I'm not gonna tell ya who it is 'cause I have no idea."
Awesome! Now, let's see. Who has emerged in the past 12 months as the leader of the GOP? Sarah Palin? Nah, she cut and ran from political office in favor of siphoning money her gullible followers don't have on a book they didn't read and speeches they can't remember. Michael Steele? Please...don’t make me laugh when I'm noshing on a mouthful of cereal. John "the economy is an ant" Boehner? Doubts. Mitch McConnell? Nope. John McCain? Excuse me...John McWho? Hmm... How about Glenn Beck? Maybe---but his ratings are in the tank. Bobby Jindal, Haley Barbour, Tim Pawlenty? Larry, Curly, Moe? Mike Huckabee? More like Mike Ain't-to-Be. Mitt Romney won the straw poll at CPAC...but only by one vote over Ron Paul. So for now it looks like proud racist Rush Limbaugh remains the de facto leader of the Republican party, seeing as no one has "emerged" per Gloria Borger's prediction to steal his mojo. But I'm sure there's a Ronald Reagan lurking out there somewhere (Fred Thompson was supposed to be the next Great Communicator in '08...unfortunately he kept falling asleep during his own speeches). So for now Gloria's prediction goes back in the freezer for another year, because what was true in July of '09 is still true today: like Gloria, I have no idea...and neither do they.
Oh, and it's open bar today for baby boomers---to help cushion the blow that Ringo Starr just turned 70. Don't forget: "Peace and love at noon." Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Bill in Portland Maine has impressed fans worldwide with his uncanny ability to correctly predict the outcome of Germany's World Cup games by choosing between two savory snacks.
---Huffington Post
7/6/10
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