From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
The Week Ahead
Monday: In Charleston, South Carolina, Ben Bernanke delivers a speech at the Southern Legislative Conference titled "Challenges for the Economy and State Governments." Three days later, he'll be halfway through it.
During a speech on the future of financial reform, Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner throws his shoe at an audience member who keeps shouting, "Timmeh!" It ends up stuck in a chandelier.
Chelsea Mezvinsky begins the process of returning 5,000 gift blenders to Bed Bath and Beyond.
Tuesday: BP is expected to start the procedure known as "static kill," which involves pumping a thick, gooey, opaque substance into the well pipe. It's the same stuff their PR people use when they write their press releases.
It's election day in Michigan, Kansas and Missouri. If you live in Michigan's 8th Congressional District, go give some write-in love to LANCE ENDERLE. He thanks ya kindly.
Shhhh! Be vewwy vewwy qwiet---the Bwackbewwy people are going to make a vewwy important announcement at eweven. After the presentation, the audience will say in unison, "Sorry, can you repeat that? I was on my Blackberry."
Wednesday: Automatic Data Processing releases numbers on private-sector hiring for July. Wild guess: not gonna be wild about 'em.
Toyota holds a press conference to announce it has gone a full day without a recall.
Glenn Beck celebrates his 500th day of scaring his gullible viewers into buying gold products that lose 40 percent of their value right off the bat by scaring his gullible viewers into buying gold products that lose 40 percent of their value right off the bat.
It's President Obama's 49th birthday. Or...is it??? (Only Elvis knows for sure and he ain't talkin'.)
Thursday: First-time unemployment claims are posted. As usual, the most often-heard claim is, "Filing for unemployment sucks!"
Friday: More jobby news---the unemployment rate for July is announced. Fearless prediction: nine point something-or-other. I can also bend silverware with my mind.
The Feds seize a few more banks. They apologize profusely when one of them turns out to be a sperm bank.
Congress adjourns for their August recess. Then they remember that going home means town hall meetings, so they race back and gavel in a new session.
The person who ends the week sporting the biggest smile will be Elena Kagan.
Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, August 2, 2010
Note: There's a C&J summer meetup and---since we're the party of the big tent---campout at Kossack Simple's camp on Little Sebago Lake in Gray, Maine. Date: Saturday, August 28 from 1pm 'til whenever on Sunday. For more info, email Simple at mbdevine51 [at] hotmail.com. Hope to see ya there!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til election day in Michigan, Missouri and Kansas: 1
Days `til the Maine Lobster Festival in Rockland: 2
Number of banks that have been gobbled up by the feds this year: 108
Lifetime production of honey by a worker bee: 1/12th teaspoon
Shelf life of those little fast-food ketchup packets: 6 months
(Source: McDonalds via Newsweek)
Percent of Americans who don't know that the 13 Colonies declared independence from Great Britain: 28%
(Source: Marist Institute via The Week)
Size of the largest hailstone on record, which fell on July 23rd in Vivian, South Dakota: 8 inches / 1.94 pounds
(Source: USA Today)
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NEW! Your Monday Mark Twain Moment
With Netroots Nation '10 behind us, our Monday "Nevada Nugget" is going bye-bye. Since Twain a) was a comic genius, and b) his autobiography---kept under wraps for 100 years since his death---is coming out in November, we thought it'd be appropriate to spend a few months celebrating his unparalleled brand of "witsdom." Enjoy...
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
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Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
And this is for Texas: "In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards." (I think this feature's gonna be fun.)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: They deserve the Milk Bone of Honor.
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CHEERS to August. The dog days. The month everybody should get to take off (right, France?). Lollapalooza starts Friday in Chicago, Ramadan starts the 10th, and the year's only Friday the 13th happens. Neil Armstrong and I blow out our birthday candles on the 5th, a day after Barack Obama turns 49. And, of course, it's the time of year in which you never, ever want to introduce a bogus war based on shitty intelligence to the public. Or so I hear. P.S. Hot enough for ya?
JEERS to not living up to the hype. The tea party held a "Uni-Tea" (clever name!) rally in Philadelphia Saturday to show that their members really do come in a rainbow of colors. And it's true! The white people had black hair and white hair and brown hair and yellow hair and gray hair! The white people wore blue socks and white socks and green socks and purple socks! The white people ate brown hamburgers and orange hot dogs and tannish fries and green pickles and red onions! And the white people wore blue shorts and gray knickers and purple blouses and yellow skirts and black pants! So the next time someone says the tea party is a monolithic bunch, don't you believe it---they're as different as snowflakes. Snowflakes that in great enough numbers can burn your retinas with their blinding whiteness.
CHEERS to the counsel of the Cryptkeeper. The exalted (and Galt'ed!) Alan Greenspan gets caught tossing Republicans an anchor.
MR. GREENSPAN: Look, I'm very much in favor of tax cuts, but not with borrowed money. And the problem that we've gotten into in recent years is spending programs with borrowed money, tax cuts with borrowed money, and at the end of the day, that proves disastrous. And my view is I don't think we can play subtle policy here on it.
MR. GREGORY: You don't agree with Republican leaders who say tax cuts pay for themselves?
MR. GREENSPAN: They do not.
Sorry to break it to ya, millionaires, but soon you may have to alter your lifestyle from luxurious to lavish. Grief counselors are standing by.
CHEERS to great inventions. On August 2, 1887, Chester A. Hodge of Beloit, Wisconsin received a patent for barbed wire. Or as Dick Cheney likes to call it, gift wrap.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Over at Balloon Juice, John Cole reads Newsweek's interview with Andrew Breitbart and asks: Crazy people honestly have no idea how insane they sound, do they?
Nope.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda... GONG!!!
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CHEERS to a fine tyin'-o-the knot. Congratulations to Chelsea and Marc Mezvinsky, who got married over the weekend. If you correctly guessed what Bill and Hill's daughter would wear to the altar, give yourself a cookie:
[I]t’s Vera Wang! The bride walked down the aisle on Saturday night in a strapless silk organza gown with a draped tulle bodice and an embellished belt designed by Wang, a Clinton family friend. The star-loved designer, a guest at the wedding in Rhinebeck, N.Y. this weekend, describes the bride as having "radiated joy, youth and happiness."
I guess the Bill in Portland Maine strapped chiffon Leia Organa gown with a whipped-cream bodice and bling-festooned suspenders got lost in the mail. Memo to self: next time send it certified, you idiot.
JEERS to quid pro "No!" The White House to WikiLeaks: "We implore you to stop intruding on our military secrets as we fight a shitty, endless and unpopular war in a hellhole!" WikiLeaks to the White House: "Um...no." The American people to the White House: "We implore you to stop intruding on our civil liberties!" The White House to the American people: "Um...no." Democrats in Congress to Republicans in Congress: "We implore you to support the health and well-being of our 9/11 heroes!" Republicans in Congress to Democrats in Congress: "Um...no." The American people to the bartender: "Bourbon. And we implore you to make it a double." The bartender to the American people: "Um...you want pretzels with that?"
CHEERS to a class act. Peter O'Toole turns 78 today. Whenever I see him lately (we do lunch on Tuesdays) he looks like he's ready to fall over. But damn...dude's still got a bunch of gigs on his plate. And extra mojo for making me laugh without lifting a finger. In the DVD player tonight: Lawrence, of course.
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Five years ago in C&J: August 2, 2005
JEERS to the Great Enabler of Evil. Saudi Arabia's old King "Cole" Fahd has died at 80-something (Bush's first words upon hearing the news: "My oil! What about my oil??!"). I understand he allowed Muslim extremism to flourish during his reign, producing several of the 9/11 terrorists. Oh...and he degraded women and chopped people's heads off just `cuz. Sorry we can't make the funeral, but we would like to offer this blessing: May your horny harem in the hereafter be populated by clones of the Village People.
CHEERS to Jimmy Carter. He's mad as hell and he's not going to take the crap going on at Gitmo anymore: "What has happened at Guantanamo Bay...does not represent the will of the American people. I'm embarrassed about it, I think it's wrong. I think it does give terrorists an unwarranted excuse to use the despicable means to hurt innocent people." Is he too old to run again?
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And just one more...
CHEERS to thoughts of train. "If you build it, they will ride." That's certainly been true for Amtrak's choo-choo line between Portland and Boston, which just chugged out its "best performance yet":
Ridership rebounded after losing ground in the first five months of the fiscal year to finish 1 percent ahead of the previous year, said Patricia Quinn, executive director of the Northern New England Passenger Rail Authority. Ticket revenue for the fiscal year that ended last month hit an all-time high as well, at $6.7 million. All told, 474,058 passengers rode the train in the past fiscal year.
As if that wasn't cool enough, there's this: today crews will break ground---using Federal Recovery Act dollars---on a Portland-Freeport-Brunswick extension that'll be up and running by the fall of 2012. (Don’t forget to put that on your whistlestop itinerary, Mr. President.) It'll likely be a hit with Bostonians who want to take a day trip to L.L. Bean. Who, we hasten to add, will happily lash your new canoe to the caboose with strips of birchbark free of charge. (Damn, they're helpful.)
Have a nice Monday, and remember: when expressing an alternative point of view, please be brief. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I've got to admit, I don’t know who Bill in Portland Maine is."
---President Obama
7/29/10
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