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I thank the people who commented on my Diary this week and gently said it was not the right time, so I took it down.  I apologize for my bad timing, whether I said it was written in 2007 or not. This is what I came on to post: "POLITICAL COMEDY ABOUT THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT"

“Liberals got Palin Derangement Syndrome. You know what they don’t like? She has five kids. Lieberals don’t have five kids. She has a baby with Down’s Syndrome. Liberals would never let that happen.”
--Bernard Goldberg on Faux News

Staffers at the Securities Exchange Commission got caught spending as many as EIGHT HOURS A DAY downloading porn in the office. So we all got screwed because they couldn't.

True: Pope Benedict said it was okay for male prostitutes to wear condoms. He said they could get them at the Vatican pharmacy.

Things I Have Learned Being A Radical Liberal:
Never argue with someone who thinks reality is a theory.

TRUE: A man on trial for robbing a woman insisted on being his own lawyer. When the woman was asked to point him out, she did. The man stood up and said, "I SHOULD HAVE SHOT YOUR ASS WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!...IF I'd been the one who was there..."

We haven't been getting terrorists, we've been getting morons. The shoe bomber couldn't afford a Bic and was trying to use matches, but we have to take off our shoes. The "Underwear Bomber"--gee, thanks. Now we have nude X-ray machines and HE DIDN'T EVEN BLOW UP THE BOMB. I really hope some clown doesn't try to blow up a plane with a dynamite stick up his ass.

50% of women say they would rather give up sex with their man or husband for the rest of their life than gain ten pounds. Okay, guys, we can officially give up now. Let's just declare victory and get out.

Every Christmas now I think: What is it with these toys? Go-Bots, Super Morphing Power Rangers, Transformers--when I was a little kid I had a stick, and it turned into anything I wanted it to because I had a fucking imagination.

There's a new video game where you hold a paddle and swat bugs flying around trees. What, your kids can't go to outside anymore and swat real bugs? It's the last thing that's free! As a child, we had educational toys like a magnifying glass, which was great for burning bugs.

I was in a waiting room once reading "Field & Stream" and there was an ad for camouflage colored toilet paper. Hunters who use white toilet paper get shot, mistaken for white-tailed deer. How drunk ARE these hunters when they go out? "Hey, Zeke--look at that deer in the orange vest wipin' his ass!" BOOM.

Governor Jerry Brown said he opposed the state's marijuana legalisation measure because "we can't compete with China if we're all stoned." Oh, Jer--we can't compete with China and we are all stoned.

Hope you got a laugh out of these. Best medicine and all.

‎"I can picture a world without war, a world without hate,
and I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
--Jack Handey, "SNL"

Originally posted to Doug Ferrari on Fri Jan 14, 2011 at 11:17 PM PST.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Do You Have Access To Weaponry? (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    twigg, JeffW

    Just asking.

  •  Political jokes are never the easiest (3+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    northsylvania, RonV, frankzappatista

    and I suspect I am just about to prove it :D

    I'll play.

    Q. Why did Barack Obama cross the road?

    A. Because he said he wasn't going to!

    :: sigh ::

    And I like him!

    We do not forgive our candidates their humanity, therefore we compel them to appear inhuman

    by twigg on Sat Jan 15, 2011 at 12:37:14 AM PST

  •  what will be the outcome (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    RonV, homogenius

    of the scenario you posed, the one with the clown and the stick of dynamite?


    There is a certain charm in the purity of irrelevance. But the more relevant you get, the more real you have to get. (Barney Frank)

    by dadanation on Sat Jan 15, 2011 at 01:28:12 AM PST

  •  You're not as amusing as you think you are. n/t (2+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Clem Yeobright, marykk

    "Go well through life"-Me (As far as I know)

    by MTmofo on Sat Jan 15, 2011 at 01:40:38 AM PST

  •  Links/attributions/credit (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    Anything that's cut and pasted from some other site needs attribution.

  •  Gee, it's late... (0+ / 0-)

    ...don't quit your day job, kid!

    Float like a manhole cover, sting like a sash weight! Clean Coal Is A Clinker!

    by JeffW on Sat Jan 15, 2011 at 01:56:24 AM PST

  •  Love the Jack Handy Quote. (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    I wonder if Al Franken believes that. It's more than likely that he wrote it, right?

    Democracy - 1 person 1 vote. Free Markets - More dollars more power.

    by k9disc on Sat Jan 15, 2011 at 03:27:01 AM PST

  •  Sorry to tell you, but... (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:

    somebody already tried the suicide suppository trick. It didn't work too well - there was enough explosives to do in the bomber (rather messily), but his body contained the explosion well enough that the intended target wasn't hurt.  Just thoroughly grossed out.

    The Scout Law (trustworthy, loyal, helpful...) is a GREAT liberal manifesto.

    by DaytonMike on Sat Jan 15, 2011 at 03:30:55 AM PST

  •  I don't know (0+ / 0-)

    but I still don't find this funny:

    TRUE: A man on trial for robbing a woman insisted on being his own lawyer. When the woman was asked to point him out, she did. The man stood up and said, "I SHOULD HAVE SHOT YOUR ASS WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!...IF I'd been the one who was there

    In 2005 there were 30,694 gun deaths in the U.S: 17,002 suicides (55% of all U.S gun deaths), 12,352 homicides (40%).Of all the women murdered in the U.S., about one-third were killed by an intimate partner.That's an average of three women every day.

    When will our consciences grow so tender that we will act to prevent human misery rather than avenge it? Eleanor Roosevelt

    by IndyRobin on Sat Jan 15, 2011 at 05:43:15 AM PST

    •  So in other words, a %0.000684375 chance (0+ / 0-)

      of an individual woman being killed by an intimate partner in the US each year.
      (365x3) number of days in a year times avg. number of women killed
      (1,095/160,000,000) sum divided by approx number of women in the US.
      (0.00000684375x100) Dividend times 100 to get percentage chance per year.
      Wait a minute.  There's a problem with my numbers.  I forgot to account for the actual percentage of those 160 million women and girls actually in a relationship.
      Fuck it.  We'll be overly generous and run with the whole number.  I don't think my three-year-old niece is going to be victimized by her 'intimate partner' today but we'll keep the math easy.
      1,095 per year is 1,095 per year too many.
      And yet 70,000+ men will die of male-only cancers this year, almost as many as the number of women who will die of female-only cancers.  We, as a society will spend almost three times as much money on violence against women as we will on male cancer research.  I'm not even counting the $20 billion/year industry that is breast cancer research, treatment, activism, marketing and so on.  What color ribbon do we wear for men?
      And what about the average of 365 men who are killed by their intimate partner each year?
      Perhaps instead of only complaining about jokes about violence against women, we could think about jokes about violence in general.

      Insert cryptic phrase that only means something to select group of insiders here.

      by soonergrunt on Sat Jan 15, 2011 at 08:10:22 AM PST

      [ Parent ]

  •  Too soon. n/t (0+ / 0-)

    "I was so easy to defeat, I was so easy to control, I didn't even know there was a war." -9.75, -8.41

    by RonV on Sat Jan 15, 2011 at 05:58:59 AM PST

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