I thank the people who commented on my Diary this week and gently said it was not the right time, so I took it down. I apologize for my bad timing, whether I said it was written in 2007 or not. This is what I came on to post: "POLITICAL COMEDY ABOUT THINGS THAT HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT"
“Liberals got Palin Derangement Syndrome. You know what they don’t like? She has five kids. Lieberals don’t have five kids. She has a baby with Down’s Syndrome. Liberals would never let that happen.”
--Bernard Goldberg on Faux News
Staffers at the Securities Exchange Commission got caught spending as many as EIGHT HOURS A DAY downloading porn in the office. So we all got screwed because they couldn't.
True: Pope Benedict said it was okay for male prostitutes to wear condoms. He said they could get them at the Vatican pharmacy.
Things I Have Learned Being A Radical Liberal:
Never argue with someone who thinks reality is a theory.
TRUE: A man on trial for robbing a woman insisted on being his own lawyer. When the woman was asked to point him out, she did. The man stood up and said, "I SHOULD HAVE SHOT YOUR ASS WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE!...IF I'd been the one who was there..."
We haven't been getting terrorists, we've been getting morons. The shoe bomber couldn't afford a Bic and was trying to use matches, but we have to take off our shoes. The "Underwear Bomber"--gee, thanks. Now we have nude X-ray machines and HE DIDN'T EVEN BLOW UP THE BOMB. I really hope some clown doesn't try to blow up a plane with a dynamite stick up his ass.
THE SCARIEST POLL EVER TAKEN:
50% of women say they would rather give up sex with their man or husband for the rest of their life than gain ten pounds. Okay, guys, we can officially give up now. Let's just declare victory and get out.
Every Christmas now I think: What is it with these toys? Go-Bots, Super Morphing Power Rangers, Transformers--when I was a little kid I had a stick, and it turned into anything I wanted it to because I had a fucking imagination.
There's a new video game where you hold a paddle and swat bugs flying around trees. What, your kids can't go to outside anymore and swat real bugs? It's the last thing that's free! As a child, we had educational toys like a magnifying glass, which was great for burning bugs.
I was in a waiting room once reading "Field & Stream" and there was an ad for camouflage colored toilet paper. Hunters who use white toilet paper get shot, mistaken for white-tailed deer. How drunk ARE these hunters when they go out? "Hey, Zeke--look at that deer in the orange vest wipin' his ass!" BOOM.
Governor Jerry Brown said he opposed the state's marijuana legalisation measure because "we can't compete with China if we're all stoned." Oh, Jer--we can't compete with China and we are all stoned.
Hope you got a laugh out of these. Best medicine and all.
"I can picture a world without war, a world without hate,
and I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it."
--Jack Handey, "SNL"