I'm in a good mood.
A while back,
I thought about writing a diary
in which I would list all those
who ever helped me.
That never got anywhere.
I had trouble connecting with my past,
my past of many years ago,
my past even four years ago,
when I started writing here at Daily Kos.
So,
inspired by the Koscars,
I decided to write this diary,
emphasizing those who have helped me
in some way,
in recent years.
Not necessarily in 2010,
but in recent enough memory
to make it feel right,
to feel as if those I name
might read this diary.
Lets start with the most recent example.
That's a link to a comment I wrote,
and the reply:
I Love Your Poetry.
You are very talented.
Thanks bigjacbigjacbigjac.
by JekyllnHyde on Mon Jan 17, 2011 at 12:47:37 PM CST
That means a lot to me, coming from him, a man who sifts through so much pithy literature, by that I mean the captions to the cartoons he posts; anyone who sifts through all that has some weight, maybe, to his words, when he calls me talented.
Even if he was just trying to be nice, it was nice of him,
and I hope he reads this, and comments, to accept his award as a friend of bigjac.
By the way, if it seems rather pathetic,
that a man would feel a need to give his freinds awards,
just for giving him little gestures of friendship,
I agree,
I'm pathetic.
I never made friends in school,
so I have no cool,
smooth,
casual way to do it.
I just reach out and say thanks.
Next:
Here is another link,
this link is to a comment I wrote recently, for Nurse Kelley, and the response from Sara R:
Thank you!
You always produce a lovely quilt message -- really good ones.
by Sara R on Mon Jan 24, 2011 at 01:02:04 PM CST
That Sara R always says thanks to each quilt comment writer,
but not that kind of thanks.
It may not mean my comments are any better than average.
It may only mean that Sara R knows what I want to hear.
Either way,
I thank you again,
Sara R.
This next comment
takes a little explaining,
for those of you who fail to click on the link.
Since my Pam died almost three years ago,
I've been a regular at
The Grieving Room,
which was founded,
if I recall correctly,
by Dem in the heart of Texas,
coquiero,
and exmearden.
Yes, exme was a co-founder of the diary series I visit most often.
Anyway,
Dem is the supervisor of the series.
Dem often writes well
about the topic of grieving,
in such a way
that any of us
can feel better,
from the wisdom
and thoughtful words
of Dem.
One fine day,
I asked Dem if we could add some of those words
to the standard welcome paragraph
for
The Grieving Room
series.
She said yes,
and I edited,
cut into short lines,
as you know I love to do,
and presented her with the result.
For some reason,
no one,
besides me,
has ever yet used the
new,
spiffy,
Dem words enriched,
poetry looking
welcome paragraph.
I copied it into the comment thread of the regualr diary,
a few weeks ago,
and hinted that I thought all of us should use it.
This is the answer Dem gave me:
Your version is always welcome,
even though we don't all use it, bigjac.
It's sort of intrinsic to you, and I appreciate it!
by Dem in the heart of Texas on Mon Jan 10, 2011 at 09:41:51 PM CST
Do you see what she did?
She told me that some of her words,
words she wrote,
are now "intrinsic" to me.
That is a kind of compliment
I never expected.
My next example of folks giving me emotional support
is from the Gulf Watchers.
I'm not going back months and months
into my past comments
to find it,
but back when the oil was flowing freely
into the Gulf of Mexico,
I discovered the Gulf Watchers,
who were,
at the time,
maintaining a 24/7 vigil,
watching the oil flow upwards.
I gained a few friends there.
One of them was ArthurPoet.
He would drop by,
write a great poem,
to inspire the group.
I thought,
I can do that,
maybe almost as well as Arthur.
So,
I started writing poetry,
lots of poetry,
until now,
as you can see,
I write nearly everything,
diaries and comments,
in poetry form.
I was encouraged,
a great deal,
by Arthur,
and others at Gulf Watchers.
At one point,
Fishgrease
was defending me,
against a troll.
That made me feel loved,
loved by fucking Fishgrease!
(For those of you who are unaware,
Fishgrease loves to drop the F-bomb,
so 'fucking Fishgrease'
is considered a friendly reference.)
This link is to my most recent popular diary.
Not my most recent diary,
just the most recent one that was popular.
I loved that.
I was visualizing places from my own past.
Leaves kind of an eerie feeling.
Like a ghost was here.
But I'm glad you shared that.
by J Orygun on Sun Jan 16, 2011 at 12:13:27 AM CST
Part of another comment in that thread:
I'm posting late, bigjac,
but I really appreciate your story/poetry.
Keep writing them--I think they will help you heal and also keep on going--you seem to have so much energy to me, whatever you think about that.
And another:
Your writing is very evocative.
I like how your seemingly simple style digs deep into how the settings of your past looked and felt, then and now.
Thanks for the break and the glimpse into another life and time.
Like poetry these glimpses help to bring our own past and present into focus.
by dsb on Sun Jan 16, 2011 at 01:27:17 PM CST
However,
one of the nicest things about that diary
is that it inspired about ten Kossacks
to write their own diares
in the comment thread.
Diaries about
old houses,
old barns,
and the memories they bring back.
Some of these were nearly as long as my diary.
Some were short,
but well written,
like this one:
Lovely diary.
Thank you for sharing.
It brought back the smell of my grandfather's barn.
Grass, old oil, and slightly damp dirt.
I loved that place.
by northsylvania on Sun Jan 16, 2011 at 11:07:43 AM CST
Alright,
I've rambled on enough.
If you have ever given me emotional support,
and you read this diary,
and I didn't mention you,
write a comment,
and I'll heap praise on you,
as best I can.
If you've never interacted with me,
never heard of me,
but you like me a little,
welcome.
Maybe we'll become good friends,
with time.
Thanks for reading.