In a surprising release from The Drudge Report on Saturday, it was revealed Republican Congresswoman Michele Bachmann has a surprising personal reproductive history. The Tea Party maven and staunch pro-life conservative, representing the 6th District of Minnesota, has had at least a dozen abortions.
Bachmann was 16 years old in February of 1973 when she terminated her first pregnancy in a Minneapolis clinic 20 miles south of Anoka, Minn., where she grew up. “As soon as Roe v. Wade was announced that January,” a giggling Bachmann recalled, “I made a point of getting pregnant so I could, kind of, celebrate my Supreme Court-affirmed right to abort.”
Her views on abortion have evolved significantly since then, and today the 54-year old mother of five is just as proud of her 100% rating from the National Right to Life Committee as she is of her 0 rating by NARAL Pro-Choice America.
According to those close to her, Mrs. Bachmann has always strongly objected to prophylactics, though not from any kind of moral high ground or religious conviction. According to the Drudge Report, the Lutheran congresswoman said it is about pleasure.
“I enjoy sex. Who doesn't?” Bachmann asked. “And bareback is so much better. I want to feel throbbing manhood, not a layer of plastic, against and inside me.”
Jeffrey Goldblatt, who has spent the last 20 years as a sanitation worker in Framingham, Mass., was a college friend of Bachmann's at Winona State University. The school, located in southeastern Minnesota, is perhaps best known for having it's accreditation suspended or revoked three times by the Council for Higher Education Accreditation over the last 25 years.
“Sure I remember Michele 'Loose Lips' Bachmann!” Goldblatt laughed. “And she didn't talk much so you know the lips that were so, so frequently in question were not on her mouth.”
According to Goldblatt, he was responsible for two of Bachmann's eight abortions during her years at Winona State.
“Swear to God,” said Bachmann's one-time college roommate Erica Lopoten, “the girl was like clockwork. Eight semesters, eight trips to that exact same clinic. I always wondered, maybe she thought if she could only get to ten abortions, maybe number eleven would be free or something?”
Bachmann would also be known as “The Deepest Throat in Oklahoma,” the nickname she earned while attending law school at Oral Roberts University, the school founded in 1971 by evangelical preacher Oral Roberts.
In fact, Bachmann traces much of her current divine fervor, or at least her religious political support, to “The culture of the Lord I found and learned to manipulate in Tulsa,” home to O.R.U. “Before earning my JD from Oral Law, I would have told you I loved Jesus, but I don't think I really earned my Christly stripes until law school.”
Bachmann and her husband, Marcus, do have two sons and three daughters. What is unknown is how many more times Rep. Bachmann has been pregnant over the course of their 32-year marriage. It seems she has flexible views when it comes to the sanctity of life. Her official stance and statement on abortion is straightforward. She “firmly believe[s] in moving toward and promoting a culture that values and respects the sanctity of life - especially those rights of the unborn and the elderly.”
But her pragmatic admission to the Drudge Report was a bit more nuanced.
“In conservative politics you have to take certain black/white positions on certain issues,”she allowed. “Remember, I did rely on a pretty unsophisticated and close-minded slice of the electorate to get to Washington.”
Rep. Bachmann said she will never be able to make any kind of name or legacy for herself without securing the support of her base.
“The idea that anybody expects me to have real policy debates and discussions with serious politicians or experts is, pardon my French, le absurd,” Bachmann said, rolling her eyes. “Have you actually talked to any of my campaign volunteers? If you don't end every other sentence with '...and that's how Ronald Reagan made the world safe for Democracy,' they'll just run home and log-on to FoxNews.com to masturbate all night.”