The awesomeness of the new GOP House of Reps will soon be apparent. Sure, they look like dumbasses now, completely devoid of wisdom, compassion, common sense and honesty.
And okay, granted, they seem to be ignoring real issues so they can be devoted to their pet issues, like divining the difference between rape and forced rape.
(Rape via drugging is fine with the GOP. Incest is fine. Statutory rape is fine. It’s a long list of GOP-approved rape, so I’ll stop here before I puke).
(By the way, don’t discount the job creation potential of the "forced rape versus rape" initiative. Imagine the new industry based on the T-Shirts and bumper stickers alone. For instance:
"No doesn’t mean no! It only means no if I force you to say yes." And...
"Date rape, now endorsed by congress!" And...
"Hey rapists! Vote GOP! We’ve got your back! (Ooops. That just didn’t sound right.)"
In the same way that only now are we appreciating the days of ACORN investigations and how much fun it was to debate how big the no-Muslim ring around Ground Zero should be (should it be outside or inside the topless bars and adult bookstores? I still can’t decide), we will look back fondly on this congress. And we will call it, The Symbolic Congress.
Symbolism, as you might recall from ninth grade American literature, is very important, so important that if you couldn’t identify the Christ figure in five great American novels you hadn’t read, you weren’t getting more than a B, no matter how much you argued. (Thanks for wrecking my shot at the Ivy League, Mrs. O! Thanks a lot! E.T. was a book! It came out the same day as the movie!)
In that spirit of embracing the importance of symbols, in all their showy emptiness, in all their faux importance, in their ability to create cow chips that can be flung at election time ("I voted to repeal Obamacare!" "I read three sentences of The Constitution out loud!" "I voted to make sure women knew the difference between forced rape and what she owes you if you buy her the steak and lobster!"), I hereby have these suggestions for symbolic votes for the GOP congress...
The White People Are Awesome Act
We, the congress, hereby declare that white people are awesome. This is not to say that other races aren’t. No, we would never say that. What we would say is this. White people are perhaps a little more awesome, if we could be so bold as to suggest that. It’s not that we hate Mexicans and want them all to go home, leaving a few behind to tend our lawns, pick our lettuce and make fajitas.
And it’s not that we hate Black people and wish they would just hush up already about slavery, and repression, and violence, and segregation, and how 90% of all black characters in the movies and on TV seem to be criminals. And it’s not like we aren’t amused by all those other races with their off-white skin and their weird foods and their need to be better at math and make spicy food with too much curry in it. (We have sensitive stomachs.)
All we are saying is that those people are fine. Good for them. We aren’t racists. We’re just saying white people are awesome. How can you argue that? The founding fathers were white!
The Dr. Laura Addendum: We have a black president so racism is over, and we hereby declare white people can use the N-word as much as we like. But until this bill passes, we will continue saying "N-word" instead of the actual word. Except for Dr. Laura.
The Penis-In-Vagina Act
We hereby declare that gay people can go on being gay. Whatever. Do whatever it is you do. Just try this, put your penis in a vagina, just once, and see how you like it. (Or find a penis to put in your vagina, if you happen to have lady parts.) Tell us you don’t like it, just a little bit, because that’s what freaks us out. We like penis-in-vagina sex a lot, and just don’t see how you can’t. Have you ever even kissed a girl, a really hot one? That would make all the difference.
Hot Lesbian Addendum: We are fine with hot lesbians. Feel free to get married, kiss in public and pretty much do whatever you want. In public is fine. Just let us know where.
Sarah Palin Tutor Allocation Budget Supplemental
We hereby acknowledge that Sarah Palin is not going away. She’s just not, so deal with it. The best thing for all of us is to get her a tutor, maybe a few of them. We need to cover English (especially sentence composition), world history, American history, and geography. Math would be asking too much, so don’t bring it up.
Cons know it. Libs know it. S-Paw is going to be with us forever, so let’s agree to make her just a little less annoying to libs and a little less embarrassing to cons.
The It’s All Obama’s Fault Act
We hereby declare that it’s all Barack HUSSIEN! Obama’s fault. He’s been president for two years and a few months so everything is his fault. Items that are his fault include but are not limited to: The economy (except the bright spots), the jobless rate (except when it drops), the Egyptian uprising (unless it turns out well for the US), the Gulf oil disaster (except for the cleanup and the payouts BP was forced to give), Iraq (unless it ends well), Afghanistan (unless it ends well), and Obamacare (unless people begin liking it so much we can’t kill it, at which point we will call it Reagancare).
The Clinton Addendum: If something bad happened between 2000 and 2008, it was Bill Clinton’s fault.
I think these modest proposals will keep the GOP freshman busy and happy for the next two years, when 2012 will come and Obama will run and be re-elected on a campaign slogan of: "Do you really want these idiots in charge? Really?"