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Genesis

In the beginning was the word, and the word was kos, and kos was the word.

And in those days the earth was without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Spirit moved kos to separate the light from the darkness, and to put the word upon the page. And kos saw the word upon the page, and did not apologize for the word, because the word was good.

And in the second saying, in the afternoon of the first day, kos foretold that the earth would bring forth pooties. That they would come to have free dominion of the land. And kos saw that this was good.

And kos saw that it was not fit that he should toil alone. And he brought forth two helpmeets upon the earth. And kos did call them, billmon and Steve.

And kos blessed billmon and Steve, and said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply. And sayest what thou wilt, that the people may sezest back. And this came to pass. And the saying forth was fruitful. And the sezing back did multiply. And the numbers of the people did ever increase.

And kos saw that it was good.

Exodus

And billmon did found the Whiskey Bar. And Steve did found the Left Coaster.

And Steve Gillard the News Blog. And DHinMI and emptywheel the Next Hurrah. And many of the Prophets did speak there.

And Armando went to TalkLeft. And there he pitched his tent. And TalkLeft was a land of merit, and also a land of law.

And buhdydharma did found Docudharma. And others, eke, went there with him.

And in the time before the Coming of the One, there were many goings. And in the time after the coming, there were many goings more.

And thus, both within the land, and without, kos was known as the father of blogs. And Jerome Armstrong as the father of the kos.

And the land of kos was also calleth, Great Orange Satan. And this was from its being orange.

Leviticus

Thou shalt not sayest first. Neither shalt thou be'st second when breaking News.

The House of the Lord is not the House of Pancakes.

If the unrighteous should arrive, feedest them donuts, that their unrighteousness will thereby be hidden. Or teach them how to cook fish.

Do not give donuts unto those who have given donuts unto you.

Neither givest donuts unto those with whom thou hast exchanged harsh words. Leave this to others of the people.

If thou is unclean in thy language, and thou receivest donuts for it, the servants of the Lord will not hear thy prayers.

Neither givest manna where donuts may be given. For the servants of the Lord will be vexed.

If thou become unclean from the donuts thou has eaten, thou may be cast off to the wilderness. There thou wilt wail and gnash thy teeth, while the righteous will rejoice.

Thou may not banish thyself to the wilderness, and then returneth. Nor then leavest again, and returneth, and leavest, and returneth. For this is a vexation to the people.

Numbers

The Spirit spake unto jotter, saying, Take ye the sum of what the people hath said, that ye shall know them.

And Maryscott Oconnor did say fuck, 475 times in her greater sayings, and beyond counting in her lesser. And thus was she known by this.

And Armando did say Heh, 2049 times.

And Bob Johnson did say This helps, 415 times. And Rex did speak unto others, 113. And others did speak unto Rex, 437. And thus was Bob Johnson known, that his dog had not been taught to speak well.

And the number of the sayings of the One, in the land of kos, was two. And thus was the One also a one of the people. And the sayings of the One did showeth, that he knew the primary concern of the people, which had ever been the elevation of the light above the darkness. And this had been since the beginning.

And jotter and not-jotter did tally the numbers, as the Spirit had suggested.

And Carnacki and not-Carnacki, including the not-Carnacki and the not-jotter calleth sardonyx, did daily collect the wisest sayings of the people.

The Book of Daniel

A beast once settled upon the land. And the number of the beast was 666. But the beast never saidest anything, and was naught.

The Book of Carl

In those days there was much wickedness, and also great wisdom, and much that was in between and middling.

And Carl did wander about, dispensing his opinion. That in between and middling was about it.

And Carl noticeth not the wisdom. And this did vex the wise.

The Book of Names

And some of the people did style themselves as Meteor Blades, and others as Plutonium Page. And others later as KingOneEye, and the Light Emitting Pickle.

And yet others of the people did style themselves as Tom.

And as the numbers of the people did increase, Tom became a single Tom among many Toms, and yet was vain of the smallness of his number.

And Armando was a single Armando among one. And when Armando would sayeth Heh, no one would confuse him with an Atrios. And Atrios of the Eschaton was also a one of the people, but sayeth naught, heh nor otherwise.

And doc2 called himself a two, though there had never been a one. And then doc, who is unequaled, called himself a Translator. And Nurse Kelley called herself a two, though there had never been one of those either.

And the citizens k and 53 were somewhat like unto each other in their sayings. And the citizen x was unlike. And this did sowth confusion.

And it came to pass that Plutonium Page revealed herself as a van der Linden.

And other of the prophets became Clawsons, Gardners, Houles, Jaikumars, Lewisons, McIntyres, and Waldmans, after their fathers before them. This was in imitation of the practices in the land of Judith and Jayson, where people go as Anonymous.

The Book of Job

And the Spirit did move kos to take a census of the people. And the census taker was calleth, scoop.

And in the early days of the enrollment, bright stars did appear in the night sky. And the stars did shine down over the sacred ground of the team of the kos. And the name of the field was Wrigley.

And some were sore afraid, that the time of the games had ever been 1 p.m. And yet these games were held at night, and not in the afternoon.

And others held the night stars a sign, that even the most patient and long suffering of prayers might be answered.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, nor yet riches to women of understanding. But sometimes the pitcher hitteth the ball, like a batter. And other times the fan catcheth the ball, like a fielder.

And kos did crieth out.

The Book of Hosanas and Lamentations

And it soon after became the practice of the people, to gather in the morning, and to weep, and to wail, and to gnash their teeth. And at the same time to sing hosannas, and to offer praises.

And the hosanas were calleth Cheers. And the lamentations were calleth Jeers.

And the Spirit had moved Bill in Portland Maine to lead these gatherings. And the people would follow the example. And this would sometimes also be done in the afternoon.

And the number of the gatherings of the cheering and jeering was 2199. And the number of the cheers and the jeers is beyond counting.

And the Spirit moved SusanG to search the land for the wisest of the greater sayings, which had escapeth notice in the Tower of Wreck. And SusanG did do this without cease. And SusanG then assembled herself some Rangers. And the Rangers then roamed the land. And the wiser sayings were ever collected, whether night or day they had been said.

And Carnacki did also assemble the Happy Stories.

And the number of the gatherings of the fucking problems was 381. And the number of the fucking problems was 2807. Blessed are the meek of expression. For they have said what their fucking problems are. But they have made the number of their fucking problems as beyond counting. For the scribes may searcheth them not.

And the people would gather of a Friday. And there they would share their manna. And thus would the trust of the people in each other increase.

And the people of the Pootie would sometimes assemble, as had been early foretold. And many other gatherings were created likewise.

And it was the practice of the people to convey the news, from a series of boats. And there would be one ship amongst the many boats, which was the mother of them all. And the people did labor together to do this.

And when the oil spreadeth beneath and upon the water, and when the people of Egypt and the other nations did seek their deliverance from bondage, the running of the boats, both day and night without cease, was a marvel.

And the hosanas and the lamentations, altogether, and all the many gatherings, were a multitude. And yea, even jotter, knoweth not how large.

The Book of ErrinF

And it came to pass, that ErrinF did take the Lord's name in vain, and called upon the Lord to smite him. And the Lord smoteth him not.

The Great Tower of Babel

And the people said, let us build a structure of brick, and mortar it with slime. And let some of the brick be hardened with flame. And let the brick and the slime together reach to eight stories tall. And let the people look upon the tower, and marvel. And the alternation of brick and slime shall stand above the rest.

And it came to pass that the language in the tower did split into many, and one group comprehendeth not the words of another. And the languages of the tower did spread across the land, because the tower had such prominence.

Therefore is the name of it called Babel; because the Spirit did there confound the language of all the land. And from thence did the Spirit scatter them abroad upon the face of all the earth.

And this story is also told in the Exodus. Therefore is the name of the tower also called Wreck.

And it later came to pass, that the Spirit moved kos to provideth the people with new devices. And the number of the devices was four. And these devices would assist the gatherings of the people in their efforts together. And the people might have more prominence, but below the height of the Tower of Wreck.

And some were sore afraid, that the devices were unnatural, or were different from the previous practices of the people. And the wisdom of creating the new devices was disputed, even onto the height of the Tower of Wreck itself.

But the devices served as kos had intended. And the gatherings of the people were made easier. And the style of the gatherings became more various.

And the tower stood above the land as ever. But the sayings below the tower became more fruitful. And the sayings of the word by the people did multiply.

And this was as intended at the beginning.

And kos saw that it was good.

Originally posted to Garrett on Sun Feb 13, 2011 at 02:17 AM PST.

Also republished by J Town.

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