I was watching Rep Jackie Spiers on the floor of the "Peoples House" and her dignity coupled with courage was inspirational.I have seen the good lady from California before but never really followed her or her floor speeches.What I also didn't know was we are in the same club.The club is mother's that have had to lose their unborm child.It's littered with pricelss membership fees that are paid by broken dreams and "I wonder whats and ifs" for the rest of our days.I decided she should not have to stand alone.I do not have as much courage as she does for I am writing this under a screename but the words and feelings are true and real.
It was my 5th child and I felt that familiar "Mona Lisa" like smile come across my face from time to time.My body was rich with a mysterious treasure growing inside.We had just told our other 4 children a new baby brother or sister was coming in 4 months and of course we all went out shopping for some clothes for the baby.We let each child ages 11,10.8,and 4 pick out a small item for their new baby and they insisted I add baby to our nighlty bedtime prayers and songs.
Of course my sons wanted a boy & my daughter wanted a sister.Our family was estatic.A few morning later I was in the shower getting ready for our chaotic morning routine and I saw the unthinkable .I was hemmoraging.We quickly called my OB/GYN and he met me at the ER .Why just me?My husband had to stay home with the kids of course.
In the course of a few short hours I went from a pregnant mother to a broken hearted girl.The procedure was short and as the nurse put it "went well"so I could go home.The baby was gone .How would I tell my children?How did this happen?Did I do something wrong?I should have never moved that couch to clean behind it.Maybe I should not have told the kids so soon I may have jinxed my baby.My husband tried but I didn't want him close at that time.If only he took out that damn garbage or helped more with the kids.I need to talk to my mother but she would be so upset.Why GOD did you do this to me?
I was so cold inside I coudn't cry.Everything was frozen inside me.The next day in a true act of denial I decided all was normal and got the kids off the school and daycare and went to work.I actually drove 27 miles to work and was even there early.
As I sat at my desk logging on to my computer still wearing my coat.The chill was overwhelming me and them I felt something odd .I stood up and was horrified .I will say no more because being graphic serves no purpose but it was that moment when I actually understood that was what was left of my baby.My baby was gone and so was a piece of me and my family.I suffered through the humiliation of having to tell my boss while trying to hide myself.I left and drove home sobbing all the way.
When my youngest child graduated from middle school as I proudly watched him march all I could think of is "I should have one more child entering middle school next year"When my eldest son was married and all 4 children posed together for photos my mind drifted I wonder if there would have been 1 more usher or bridemaid in that photo?
The pain dulls but that child creeps into your thoughts for the rest of your life.Believe me because my baby would be 20 years old now.I had good insurance and a home and a husband so I know it was so much easier for me to be distracted from my pain.I did not have to scrape up the money to pay for my care or sign an acknowledgement that I was resposible for my expenses like so many do before I could go and finish losing my baby.
I also know I did not have to brave a screaming anti-abortionist trying to get into a planned parenthood clinic to get my procedure done.My heart literally aches for those that are brutally besieged by judgemental trolls who never even think maybe just maybe that woman's heart is breaking as she walks through those doors.
I have never spoken in this detail or perhaps even been this honest with myself regarding my unborn baby.This is not cleansing in any way what so ever.It is heart wretching.I simply did not think it was fair for that courageous Congressional Rep Jackie Speir to stand alone against that level of morbid judgemental cruelty. We saw Rep Chris Smith dole out the ignorant simplistic words that described a procedure.In reality he was describing some of the saddest moments in many mother's lives.
I love that unborn child in real time to this day.The fact that I have no face or name to give my baby means nothing to me. Just as my feelings and the feelings of thousands of women like me and the good Congressional Rep Spiers meant nothing Rep Chris Smith