One day in the Old Kingdom of Daily Kos, now a distant memory of halcyon days, I was reflecting on the fact that the user interface was just too easy and streamlined. "Why," I cried to the gods above, "does clicking a button or link result in almost immediately being directed to its target?" There was no time to think back then - no time to take a leisurely mental stroll in between clicking and arriving at one's target page. "Why," I wondered into the ether, "are there so few functions of dubious utility? Where," I inquired, "is the anxiety-inducing instability so crucial to a high-volume website?" Well, my prayers have been answered. No longer will I have to endure clicking a tab and having it proceed immediately to its destination: Now I can take the scenic route between the homepage and the Comments section. Reccing comments has never been easier, except for every other time Daily Kos has existed. All DK4 needs now is an Acme anvil-drop button.
I'm not entirely certain of the physics involved, but I've come to the conclusion - and I understand if anyone disagrees (some people are just dumb) - that DK4 probably had a role in the Kennedy assassination. Now, I can't go into specifics about that - literally, I can't - but I assure you that my reasoning is sound and my facts air-tight. Suffice it to say that Dealy Plaza starts with a "D," Kennedy starts with a "K," and 1963 was one year before 1964, see?
Anyway, I've begun initial talks with both Oliver Stone and Michael Bay to adapt the story of DK4 into an epic feature film, and have already started the process of casting. This is what we've got so far:
1. Markos, founder and fearless leader (3 candidates)
(a) Mandy Patinkin
(b) Hilary Swank
(c) Peter Dinklage
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2. Meteor Blades, this dude who goes way back and knows lots of stuff.
Jeff Bridges
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3. Everyone else (TBD - suggestions welcome)
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4. Me - smartass weirdo who occasionally participates, not always helpfully.
Myself (for the love scenes)
For speaking parts, Jason Schwartzman
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5. My vast menagerie of love interests (racy photos forthcoming after auditions)
Christina Hendricks
Scarlett Johansson
Mila Kunis
Eliza Dushku
Milla Jovovich
Jamie-Lynn Sigler
Mary-Louise Parker
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6. DK4
Jurgen Prochnow
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Not to indulge in spoilers, but there are lots of explosions, quick-cuts, and people looking shifty in the script. I'm not sure what to do with the wise-cracking animated robot sidekick voiced by Robin Williams, but obviously the script isn't complete until we work it in. For the score, I'm thinking - bear with me now - a theremin with marimba accompaniment? Discuss.
Anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I got sidetracked - my attention span is another casualty of DK4, whose power to denude the human psyche seems limitless. Sometimes I think that Afghanistan is nature's prototype for DK4. Do you ever feel that way, or are you stupid? It's okay if you are - I have nothing against stupid people that God doesn't already have against you. But let's not dwell on all your flaws, inferiorities, and perversions, and let's instead focus on their cause: DK4. First, I would like to share a few heartfelt songs that I feel capture the spirit and essence of the new software:
I would also like to share my deep psychological impression of DK4, as expressed through a piece of my own original artwork:
Now, a couple of images that come to mind when I think of DK4:
I've prepared some anatomically correct dolls so that Kossacks can talk to each other about what DK4 has done to them, as well as what it has made them do to their pets while under its influence. Remember, anything you admit to on DK4 is inadmissable in court due to its tendency to randomly transform innocent phrases into confessions of various crimes against nature and the terms of kitchen-utensil warranties (nobody should be unduly suspected of using egg beaters in such unorthodox ways). Step into the Circle of Trust, friends, and tell your DK4 story - Let The Healing Begin!
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For people who put their hearts into making DK4, I'm just messing with you. It works fine. Unlike most people, I usually don't expect things to work as if I'm entitled to a cooperative cosmos, so I'm just breaking your balls here.