The Republican National Committee in a partnership with Leading K-Street Lobbying firms are introducing semi-automated robotic stand ins for Republican Members of Congress. An R.N.C. spokesman said in a statement:
For years Savvy Business Leaders have been using teleconferencing and automation to improve their organizations' productivity. We Republicans realize that a member of Congress's time is precious, so we're looking into ways to enhance their productivity, in much the same way top Business Leaders do, through automation. We are announcing a new technology program and making robotic computer aided stand ins available for our Members of the House and Senate to use to increase their productivity. The new units we've affectionately nick named "Gipper" will be capable of delivering speeches from the floor of the respective chambers, and attending committee meetings where the "Gipper" is capable of interacting in all committee proceedings including questioning witnesses that come before the committees.
A main frame computer system will control each of the mobile Gipper Enunciator Units individually. In addition to a an accounts recivable accounting system IBM has programed every parliamentary trick in the book into the Gipper so they'll know exactly how to tie the Democrats up in procedural knots. This program is named "Robot's Rules of Order". An IBM representative touted the machine's perfect diction, and error free delivery available in a variety of regional accents. "The Gipper just like his human namesake won't have second thoughts from a guilty conscience." the representative boasted.
The Gipper is causing a sensation on K Street where it promises to revolutionize how industry lobbyists work with and pay Republican Members of Congress. A feature on all the individual mobile Gipper units allow lobbyists to to bid for specific time slots for programing their own message into statements and speeches made by the individual Gipperunits. Really big rollers will be able to bid on straight party line votes and debates. Intense bidding between Lobbyists for specific time slots when important votes are scheduled are expected to provide a significant new source of campaign cash for Republicans.
When asked about it John Boehner replied: "This is the best thing that's happened for Democracy since Citizens United! My Gipper can be making an important floor speech for me or make a crucial vote while I'm out on the Golf Course with the same lobbyists who paid for my speech or vote. It saves time for me, and it saves time for them, and I won't have to tear up on CSPAN."
Rumor has it that the Blue Dog Caucus is in exploratory talks with lobbying firms for setting up a similar system for their members, reportedly nicknamed "Zells".
This is the future of American governance.