In a stunning medical pronouncement, the U.N.'s World Health Organization has announced that HIP/AIDZ is now a global pandemic infecting millions worldwide. HIP, or Human Imbecilic Pathogen, more commonly referred to as Hipster, can now be found on all seven continents, in over two hundred countries. From skinny-jeans wearing Buddhist monks, to awkwardly mustachioed Argentinian gauchos, HIP/AIDZ is here to stay. Find out what you can do to help below:
The first acknowledged case of Hipster is believed to have occurred in a small commune in Brooklyn during the early 1960s. Researchers are still unsure as to the exact origin of the virus. The most widely accepted theory is that is was somehow passed from a monkey to humans. More specifically, it is believed that Robert Michael Nesmith from the band, the Monkees, was the original source of hipster. From there the virus incubated, bouncing from jazz-loving beatniks to full-blown hippie revolutionaries. However, it did not find an ideally receptive host until the post-grunge era took a minimalist turn.
It was in this throng that Hipster was first able to replicate and morph into AIDZ, or American Indie-Douche Zealotry. From Brooklyn the spread was rapid. Reverse genetic engineering has allowed science to track the initial outbreak, from Brooklyn into Manhattan, then wider New York City. In retrospect, there has been a great debate amongst moralists as to whether or not the use of a nuclear bomb dropped directly on the epicenter should have been used to halt its spread. However, the point is moot, because the virus spread quickly from Manhattan to Paris and Milan, prime douchey environments for the rapid global spread of Hipster. Tokyo was the next to fall, and along with it, Asia.
Initial signs of the virus are sometimes varied, and difficult to detect. The first signs are usually sartorial. Anything from skinny jeans, to large plastic rimmed glasses to v-neck t-shirts can signify the initial stages. As Hipster progresses, jeans become increasingly skinny, to the point of impotence for men, and infertility for women. The v-neck in t-shirts will actually drop below the navel, and eventually become stained rags, draped around the torso haphazardly. A deep interest in esoteric indie rock also manifests itself at this stage. Increasingly, delusional hipsters will make up names of bands which do not even exist to try to impress other afflicted persons.
There is no known cure for Hipster. However, there are ways to decrease the likelihood of contracting HIP. First, start with your jeans, if it takes longer than 10 minutes to put them on, you need to ask yourself some questions. Second, if your grandpa thinks your glasses are cool, you need to ask yourself some more questions. Third, if your v-neck t-shirt reveals your emaciated chest, you know the answer to the questions you are asking yourself: you have Hipster. Remember: prevention is key.
Note: This diary does not attempt to make light of the brave individuals fighting the battle with HIV/AIDS. I suggest that if you have engaged in high-risk activity that you test yourself regularly and practice protective measures.
Note 2: This diary does attempt to make light of hipsters, who suck.