So you want to forecast the weather, eh? Well, when you're done reading this little how-to you're going to forecast the weather like a lean, mean lying machine. Are you ready? I SAID ARE YOU READY? Damn straight you're ready!
Tools
To forecast the weather you need to know your tools. Get intimate with your tools. Get really intimate with them -- a wined and dined radar is a happy radar. Got it? Good.
Radar
That white ball at the airport isn't just for decoration. This complicated device is what tells you when it's raining somewhere you don't live. Here's how the radar works:
The equipment inside the radar sends out a slightly angled beam 360° around to measure precipitation as it falls. When the beam strikes precipitation (rain, snow, hail), it bounces back to the radar, and the computer measures how strong the beam was when it came back. The stronger the return beam, the heavier the precipitation.
Now, what's in the radar? Good question. The National Weather Service has a unique breed of unicorns to send out the signal. Using their awesome mind powers, they send out the signal and the return beam is picked up by their horn. The NWS uses a $45 billion device called the Unicornputer 4000 to read what the pink beasts detect outside the radome (the computer is only $2,000,000, but the other $44,998,000,000 was used to make the rigging humane). This information is then downloaded to computers on the ground, and spat back out for your viewing confusion.
To encourage happy weather, our unicorns enjoy offerings of oats and McRibs.
Models
The pride and joy of the US government, these advanced weather models have killed budgets (and 47 people) to make the world happy to know it's going to rain tomorrow. Now, don't kid yourself. These models aren't exactly what you think they are...most of the money appropriated for research and development was blown by Reagan in the 80s at the horse track.
Thanks to good ol' conservatism, your new best friend is this baby. Have a nice séance, and don't ask too many questions.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Extreme prank calling. Fuck yeah.
Satellite
Weather satellites are weather satellites, they aren't spy satellites. No, seriously. Stop looking at me like that.
The red lines are normal. They're not for spying. Move along.
Weather Maps
Weather maps depict what's going on at the surface at a certain time of the day. They can show high and low pressure systems, fronts, and other significant areas of concern. Blue lines with triangles are cold fronts, warm lines with half-circles are warm fronts, purple lines with half-circles and triangles are occluded fronts, and alternating blue and red lines are confused independent voter fronts.
The homosexual threat might move east later in the week, stay tuned.
Making The Forecast
Well, face it. You dropped out of college to pursue your failed career in porn. You don't know how to pronounce "meteorology," let alone use it to forecast the weather. Do what you're good at, buddy -- steal that shit and change a few numbers. What are they gonna do, fire you? The sports guy is banging all the cheerleaders, and the anchors have murdered 5 cameramen in the last week, they aren't going to care if you're not really making the forecasts.
Besides, your hard-earned tax dollars go into the forecasts you rip off to make a living on which you pay taxes. The circle of life is complete.
Use a few weather maps, radar images, and satellite pictures, add in a few cheesy puns to act as a segue, and you've got yourself a weather forecast pal. Woo!
This calls for a sexy party! You're not invited. Sorry.
All images mine, although I'm not sure why anyone would admit that.