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A recent report from a subsidiary of Wikileaks has blown the lid off some shocking secret plans for America’s three wars. Unfortunately, no mainstream news outlet has picked them up, because...

...they don’t involve Charlie Sheen. Here are excerpts from the report:

Secret plan 1:

While President Obama has denied any intent to overthrow the Libyan dictator, a small but influential cadre of military planners and orthographers are planning to assassinate Colonel Muammar Kaddafi because it has become impossible to deal with someone whose name no one in the English-speaking world knows how to spell.

Secret plan 2:

Younger military officers, with the encouragement of a radical wing of the military-carto-textbook complex, also have a secret plan for the post-Kaddafi [“Qadaffi?” “Gaddafi?” Whatever] era. Under Plan L, regime change would also result in name change, ending, once and for all, the confusion in America’s military academies, between Libya and Liberia, while creating jobs for mapmakers and a new market for revised geography texts. A secret stockpile of the soon-to-be-classic “Our Wonderful, Wonderful World of Maps about Us” [Real American Patriot Publishing, TX, $50] is reportedly awaiting the proper historical moment for release, with the former Libya renamed, more descriptively, “Oilland.”

Secret plan 3:

Now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is history, the new gay majority in the military can unleash a plan it has been hatching for nearly a decade: a cultural coup d’etat in Afghanistan. Gay military fashionistas are intent on conquering and occupying Afghanistan, taking over its garment industry and creating a more fabulous military uniform for American soldiers. The new attire would feature flowing robes, loose-fitting trousers, thickly woven scarves and ropey headgear. Anticipating a worldwide civilian craze for “Taliban Chic,” they are already in negotiations to launch Project Runway-Kabul.

Secret plan 4:

According to an anonymous source, who declined to be identified for this report because he/she doesn’t want to be identified for this report and may not exist at all, a plan is in the works to create the Middle East’s first casinocracy in Iraq. Emboldened by their successful roll-of-the-dice, in which they bet on the gullibility of the American people in supporting the US invasion of Iraq, Dick Cheney, Paul Wolfowitz and other Iraq-war architects see establishing a gambling mecca in Iraq as a logical next step. The Iraqi “government” has agreed to abolish taxes and fund all future government programs with money lost by suckers citizens in the 100 about-to-be-built gaming centers that will float along the Tigris and Euphrates Rivers, in an homage to traditional American values. Headliners in the casino’s lounges are rumored to include Andy Williams, Tony Orlando and Yakov Smirnov, for whom their agent—former US General David Petraeus—is reportedly predicting career surges as they perform for people who have no idea how long they’ve been around. Sand-breaking is slated to begin later this year.

Secret plan 5:

In another conflict-related development, financial insiders are quietly notifying investors about a steady uptick in a stock whose symbol is DIS. The story behind this story, as told to a friend of a Facebook friend in a text message is that an Orthodox rabbi, a fundamentalist Christian minister and a mullah walked into a yogurt bar in Buena Vista, Florida 25 years ago. The minister said, “Jesus told me to try Epcot, and I did. I love Epcot.”  “Epcot?” said the rabbi, “I prefer the peach-mango. But I must say that I’m all fahklempt from my visit to the Magic Kingdom.“  To which the mullah replied, “I find myself agreeing with both of you, my brothers. If only we could get along so well in the Holy Land. Inshallah.”

Which, according to apocryphal reports, was the beginning of a secret, interfaith plan to alleviate more than 60 years of tension in the State of Israel: a plan to withdraw all political and religious entities from the city considered holy to all three religions, turn over the rights to the Disney Corporation, and create Jerusalemland. The plan calls for replacing the contentious area with a simulated, sanitized, admission-by-ticket holy city, with costumed characters portraying famous Arabs, Christians and Jews, beeper-controlled lines for praying at exact replicas of the Wailing Wall, the Dome of the Rock and the Church of the Holy Sepulcher, a prayer-themed ride called “It’s a Small Mosque After All,” and a daily musical March of the Saints and Martyrs of all faiths and cultures.

With progress toward a political settlement between Israel and the Palestinian Authority at a typical standstill, the Disney plan is gaining popularity, political traction and Wall Street buzz. An unnamed Disney spokesperson recently revealed that the company will soon launch a  website that will take pre-opening reservations for Lunch with Mohammed, Jesus and/or Moses.

Full details of these plans are available at the Center for Reporting About Peace.

[Crossposted from Occasional Planet]

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