Q: Nothing to be done.
A: What do you mean?
Q: About all the racism rampant in this country. Isn't it terrible?
A: I'm beginning to come round to that opinion. All my life...
Q: RACIST!!!
A: Excuse me?
Q: You vile, disgusting racist!
A: What? What do you mean?
Q: Why the hell would you use words like that?
A: Like what?
Q: Round.
A: Um, I don't get it. How is "round" a racist thing to say?
Q: Do I have to spell it out for you? "Round" is an obvious reference to the shape of a noose.
A: But I wasn't thinking of nooses. I meant round as in...
Q: And now you say "noose"! Stop trying to justify your filth. You really have a lot of nerve.
A: Look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you. I had no idea that the word "round" was so bad.
Q: You have the mentality of one of those little bugs that crawl around.
A: You mean a beetle?
Q: No, the kind that you find in your kitchen.
A: Termites?
Q: No, no. The kind that crawl around on your countertops.
A: ...
Q: Come on! Looking for food??
A: You mean a cockroach?
Q: RACIST!!!
A: Oh my gosh! I've insulted you again! I'm sorry. This is so embarassing!
Q: It's not excusable, but it is understandable. It's your subconscious racism coming out of you like a wet fart in a crowded elevator.
A: I can be subconsciously racist?
Q: Absolutely. Subconscious racism is far more pervasive, and permeates through channels that aren't obvious, but still effective. And what's more, it can only be spotted by someone like me, who already knows you're a racist and is thus more prepared to see the subconscious racism in what you do.
A: Damn. I guess I understand it, but I don't know what I can do about it.
Q: Exactly. You better watch yourself round the rest of this website. Not everyone is as open-minded as I am.
A: Hey, you just said it.
Q: Said what?
A: Uh...you know.
Q: What?
A: The "r" word.
Q: Oh, you mean "round"? Well, I can say it because I'm black. Duh.
A: Oh. But can't black people be racist too?
Q: Black people being racist!? Please. Show me one example where black people disaffected an entire race of people for over three centuries.
A: Point taken, but don't you agree that racism is more than just slavery?
Q: Answer my question.
A: I did. I said racism isn't just slavery. Will you answer my question?
Q: Only when you stop avoiding my question.
A: Oh jeez, we're just going round and round...
Q: RACIST RACIST RACIST!!!
A: Oh God, sorry! I can't believe I was so insensitive!
Q: How can people like you have any perspective at all towards racism, when every other word you say is a filthy slur?
A: Honestly, I didn't come here to slur anyone. I'm actually a pretty liberal guy. I just wanted to talk about politics.
Q: Ah yes, politics. Let me take a wild guess - you hate President Obama, don't you?
A: No, I admire him and kind of like him. I don't think he's really lived up to the "Yes We Can" and "Change We Can Believe In" stuff from his campaign though. There's things he promised on the campaign that he's compromised on, or not really moved towards.
Q: Right. So typical. "Move towards." Like you just want him to "move towards" the servant's quarters and fetch your mint julep, RIGHT?
A: Uh...?
Q: All you white activist fauxgressives are alike, just hating on people that don't keep their "promises". And throwing away your ability to think and following a stupid narrative. And not listening to our narrative.
A: So wait - this is an anonymous website. And it's Democratic. How do you know I'm not black?
Q: Because we've taken demographic surveys of the site's users, and they're 95% white.
A: But maybe I'm one of the 5% that isn't.
Q: The statistics apply equally to everybody, so you're all 95% white.
A: But you said before you were...
Q: You see, it's no surprise that your white privilege is blinding you.
A: White privilege? What?
Q: White privilege. The way that society just hands people like you a better experience in everything you do in life than people like me. Less suspicion. Shorter jail sentences. The way you're never asked to speak on behalf of your race as a group. The way you can walk into a crowd of people and not be met by silence.
A: Oh. I've never heard that term, but I know what you mean. It's like that TV show, "What Would You Do?" I didn't realize how differently black people were still treated until I saw that show.
Q: So, you saw a nice little TV show about it. How precious. White privilege blinds people like you to the racism that lurks in their cold, black hearts.
A: But what does white privilege have to do with this website?
Q: Don't play dumb. People like you are crawling around here like cockroaches, criticizing President Obama all the time.
A: What does criticizing the President have to do with white privilege? Or racism?
Q: Come on. Barack Obama is black! And your subconscious racism makes it impossible for you to have a rational opinion about the president. You always use these racist words in your criticism, and that just belies your true intent every time.
A: So what are the words I shouldn't use, so I know to avoid them?
Q: I'll tell you as you type them.
A: Oh.
Q: And speaking of, just look at the way you're typing.
A: What about it?
Q: The font? Really?
A: What's wrong with my font? It's the standard font for comments here.
Q: Hello, it's colored black?? Wow, you really are blind.
A: Oh. I didn't realize that was a problem.
Q: Excuse me? Is that a "problem" when you write your Klan newsletter every month? How racist can you be?
A: Sorry! I tried to apply a font color tag, and it doesn't seem to take it.
Q: Then you need to preface the rest of your comments here with the word (COLORED) so we know you're trying to write in color, and not trying to patronize us.
A: (COLORED) Like this?
Q: Very well, I suppose. You're just lucky I'm such a patient guy.
A: (COLORED) Yeah, thanks. I really appreciate the advice. So tell me, what if I ever wanted to describe the shape of a circle to someone here? How would I say it?
Q: You just better not. Unless...
A: (COLORED) Unless what?
Q: Unless you become...
A: (COLORED) What??
Q: (fanfare) A RACE TRAITOR!!
A: (COLORED) Huh? What's that? Aren't traitors usually bad people?
Q: No, a race traitor is someone who works against the racist interests of their own race. They work to dismantle white privilege wherever it is found, no matter what the consequences mean for their own selves.
A: (COLORED) Wow! That sounds really exciting!
Q: It's really the best that a 95% white guy like you can hope for.
A: (COLORED) So if a race traitor works against the racist interests of their own race...
Q: Who told you that's what a race traitor does??
A: (COLORED) You did.
Q: Mm-hmm. Just another white guy who thinks they're some kind of authority on race traitors, because they have a black "friend" who tells them about it. What a joke.
A: (COLORED) Uh, I was just going to ask if there were any other famous race traitors in history.
Q: Well, you've probably heard of John Brown, haven't you?
A: (COLORED) Sure, that's the guy who led the race riots just before the Civil War.
Q: And there's also people like Abraham Lincoln. And Steve Martin.
A: (COLORED) Is that what I have to do here to make it OK to say what I want to say? Lead a race riot?
Q: Uh, no. I'm not even sure how that would work online.
A: (COLORED) Are there any race traitors on here?
Q: Yeah, at least one.
A: (COLORED) So what did they do?
Q: Wrote a diary about how they were now a race traitor, basically.
A: (COLORED) Oh. That seems too easy.
Q: It's not! You can't be a race traitor here unless you really, really mean it!
A: (COLORED) I mean, if I say I'm a race traitor, how do you even know if I'm sincere or not? And how does writing a diary about being a race traitor compare to what people in our history like John Brown did to combat real racism?
Q: There goes your white priviliege, blinding you again to what...
A: (COLORED) And who cares what words I use? As long as I know I'm not using them for racial intent, and no reasonable person would take them that way, who cares what people like you think? You're taking a serious problem like racism and twisting it into a cudgel that you use to ultimately mock racism. You know what? ROUND.
Q: RACIST!!
A: (COLORED) ROUND!!
Q: RACIST!!
A: (COLORED) Is that the best you've got? Just calling me a racist? ROUND ROUND ROUND!
Q: Haha! No, calling you a racist means you can't really be part of this website.
A: (COLORED) What do you mean? I can comment and write diaries just like you.
Q: Yes, but everything you write will be met with suspicion. When you walk into a diary, silence is what you'll get when you make a comment. Because you'll be speaking for your entire group of fauxgressives.
A: (COLORED) But that's kind of like...
Q: Look, I'm sorry, but you're clearly not race traitor material. What I'll have to do is take you to the "DFH section" of the website, and leave you there.
A: (COLORED) "DFH section"?
Q: Yes, where people like you who write colored belong. It's in the back of the website. As long as you don't try to move up to the front, you'll be fine.
A: (COLORED) (Sighs) Ok. We can part, if you think it'll be better.
Q: Well, shall we go?
A: (COLORED) Yes, let's go.