Esby here, and I finally got a job, selling Jerome Corsi's new book Where's The Birth Certificate. The timing couldn't be better. You see, everyone knows Judgment Day hits May 21st. And Mr. Corsi writes for the Christian site World Net Daily which has been pushing the birther issue for months on end, and most of WND's fans are Christians.
So while they're busy with trying to stay afloat working two jobs, tithing, and kicking their Amway payments a block up the pyramid, he knows that they've probably been too busy to cancel their book order. They figure, hey, the package will come in the mail and I won't open the box, I'll wait until the weekend and send it back. But this weekend, everybody takes Heaven's high speed train to the pearly gates. Sorry: no returns in cases of Acts of God.
As for all the money he makes, I'm guessing Mr. Corsi isn't going to make it into heaven.
Maybe they'll need a moat. Maybe they'll want alligators in the moat.
—Barack Obama on Republicans not being satisfied with his attempts at border security.
We started burying tapes around the office just to make it sporting.
—Jon Stewart, on how easy it is to find hypocrisy on Fox News.
You could end up being the nation's first second black president.
—Stephen Colbert, rhetorically to Herman Cain.
I wanted to gauge your interest in authoring an op-ed this week for a top-tier media outlet on an important issue that I know you’re following closely. The topic: Google’s sweeping violations of user privacy.
—John Mercurio, of PR firm Burson-Marstelle, hired by Facebook to smear Google for its foray into social media, in an email to blogger Christopher Soghoian.
Yes, you read that right. Facebook. Concerned about privacy.
I believe in the American Dream. And that dream is simple: That anyone, no matter who they are, if they are determined, if they are willing to work hard enough, someday they can grow up to create a legal entity which can then receive unlimited campaign funds which can be used to influence elections.
—Stephen Colbert, who filed papers with the FEC for his own Pac last week.
Please consider making a special gift at this critical time. We have been able to provide for the family's monthly expenses, but contributions have dropped off since the release of the proposed birth document by the Obama administration.
—A message on Terry Lakin's website. Lakin refused to deploy to Afghanistan without more evidence that Barack Obama was a US citizen.
It’s quite different for an African-American male. It’s about the worst thing you can be in black culture. You’re taught you have to be a man; you have to be masculine. In the black community they think you can pray the gay away.
—CNN anchor Don Lemon, who struggled with coming out that he was gay.
Some people will say to me, “Who made you spokesperson?” You know what? Nobody. I’m a spokesperson by default.
—Dan Savage, on his disappointment on the leadership of the Human Rights Campaign.
It gets better...unless you're Rick Santorum.
Ron Paul is announcing for President tomorrow. He supports legalizing prostitution and heroin. His campaign slogan is "Let's Just See What Would Happen."
If you're five years basically in one room, death to America only goes so far.
—Richard Clarke, on Osama Bin Laden.
Experts say that this proves that if we hadn't gotten Bin Laden he would have gotten off.
—Bill Maher on Bin Laden's porn stash.
It's Animal House with suits instead of togas.
—Harry Shearer on the C-Street house Sen. John Ensign (R, NV) and Sen. Tom Coburn (R, OK) share with other "Christian" politicians.
Martin Luther King gets to call himself a Christian because he practiced loving his enemies. And Gandhi was so fucking Christian he was Hindu.
Who's going to tell OPEC the fun is over? Who's going to tell China to go fuck themselves? Who is going to break this to Meatloaf?
—Stephen Colbert, on Donald Trump announcing he wasn't running for president.
That's kind of refreshing because for the last several months they've all known. They've either known for sure that I was or for sure that I wasn't, when even I wasn't sure. Now that I'm sure they admit they don't know.
—Mike Huckabee, who tried to quell statements from his advisors that he wasn't running for president. He then later announced he wasn't running.
I'm glad we cleared that up.
That means that from now until election day, he has to collect $21 a second. Which is why his campaign slogan has gone from "change" to "benjamins."
—Stephen Colbert on Barack Obama.
Clearly an attempt to tag Obama as an effete, latte-sipping liberal. Or foreign. Or Clintonesque. Or something. Anything but race.
—Ta-nehisi Coates, on Newt Gingrich's remark that Obama is a "food stamp president."
If I'm the president, and I'm booking my own poetry slams, then throw me out of office.
—Jon Stewart to Bill O'Reilly, who blames Obama for inviting Common to the White House.