I didn't believe it would happen -- and it's too late to repent now -- but the reports from the Western Pacific are pouring in: at least some Christians are being Raptured. Their bodies are shooting right into the sky so they can enjoy everlasting life with their Creator. (And no, it won't get boring. He knows infinite tricks!) The earthquakes and floods are happening as well, but unfortunately for us they're happening on the same astral plane as that of the ascending bodies -- so we can't see or feel them (or touch, smell, or taste them either.) But I have been assured that they are there. You can trust me because my wife is on vacation with her family in the Philippines, where 6 p.m. recently passed, so I've seen it through Skype. (We already knew that she, like me, was headed for the Tribulations because, as an artist, she has been known to make graven images.) Several family members are not there!
It turns out that Satan -- that busy planner -- has had a plan in mind, though. (Please remember, this is science!) I'll convey it to you just below the gnocchi.
Satan's Infernal Plan is simple: as "devout" (which apparently God has defined to include only smug, heartless and intolerant) Christians have been bodily taken up to Heaven, their clothes have not fallen to the floor. Instead, Satan has replaced their bodies with imposters -- you might call them RepliChristians -- before the fabric could even wrinkle. This is, of course, part of Satan's plan to lull us into not believing that the Rapture took place at all! The same people are still going to be there in the same bodies saying the same old things -- they're just now going to be servants of The Fallen Angel. Cunning! One might even say: diabolical!
Now that the Rapture has taken place, we must all of course be on our guard to ward off the followers of The Evil One. We're in the period of Tribulations, after all, where Satan will promote his plan to destroy the Earth and the Universe. (The rest of the Multiverse will, so far as we know, be fine.) So, above all, we must resist what these Agents of Satan now have to say!
What will they have to say? Well, it will sound pretty familiar -- it's what they've always said. All of the Christian commentary that seems to go against the Word of Christ, the Golden Rule, etc. The hatred, the selfishness, the affected public piety, the hypocrisy -- nothing new. Nothing new except this: now we know that when we hear people saying it, it's not coming from the Christians we thought were in those bodies (who, if you're a little slow on the uptake this morning, have now, of course, been Raptured). Because they're gone, these intolerant and anti-charitable sentiments must be coming from RepliChristians! If you want to survive the Tribulations -- or even beat them back, you being part of the Left Behind Left -- you have to fight them! You have to call Satan's agents on their evil plans! If what these religious changelings preach sounds like the love of Mammon, slam 'em!
Rapture has occurred! Either Rick Santorum is in Heaven and the person frothing out those filthy ideas is a simulacrasantorum, or else Rick Santorum is not in Heaven and we know that those ideas are not Godly after all! After the Rapture, we know that whatever censorious Christians are still left are either fake or wrong. (Other good Christians who preach benevolence and mutual support have apparently been left here to guide us. Be nice to them. They're missing out on a swell party because they didn't want to go without you.)
So here we are in the time of Tribulations -- it feels like we've already been here a while -- but it's only for five months, right? We're never going to get to recall Scott Walker! (Actually, it's now "RepliScott RepliWalker.") No, don't worry: we're going to be here a while. Harold Camping (now either the Satanic RepliCamping or Harold Went-Into-Hiding) made a really elementary error. Remember how his theory of the "days" before the Rapture turned on the phrase "a day is as a thousand years." Well, DUDE! If they say that Tribulations goes on for 5 months -- let's call it 150 days, that's 150,000 years! So -- let's do something about global warming; we'll be here for a while.
There is one last small implication of the Rapture -- which, again, happened, but which Satan wants us to believe didn't happened -- that we'll have to address: immigration, voter registration and entitlement programs.
You see, those RepliChristians running around spouting that doctrine of hate and greed -- they aren't the same people who were here before. Those original people are gone! The "people" who pretend to be here in their stead are, in fact, not eligible to be present in the United States (technically, they should be deported back to Hell, but I'm not sure that we have an extradition treaty.) So, we have to deport them to where we can and, meanwhile, we can't let them vote! (They're not registered! The original ones were the ones that registered!) Similarly, we can't let them receive entitlements such as Social Security and Medicare -- because they are no more entitled than a Mongolian goatherder or Bolivian nurse who's never been to our shores.
We will have to work hard to figure out which of them are agents of Satan -- asking them such questions as "do you believe that God has chosen you to be rich?" and "do you think that others should have fewer rights than you do?" -- to identify those who are Agents of Satan. I think the arresting them would be unfair, but denying these infernal impostors the vote and any government services until they prove beyond a doubt that they're who they claim to be seems fair. Given that Satan could have replicated their bodies entirely down to the retinas, blood type and fingerprints, and could have given them false memories too, they may have a hard time in court.
So please spread the word: if someone was smugly claiming that they were RaptureReady yesterday, we have to assume that they were in fact raptured today. Now we must defeat the Devil at his own game and defeat the foreign RepliChristians! It's what the Christians who now sit and the feet of God would want us to do.