The time has come for all decent human beings to take a stand. Let us speak with one voice -- no more cock pics. I'm not calling for the cock pic to resign their official positions, to stop playing professional sports, to leave Craigslist or Twitter, or to stop taking the pictures in the first place. No, let them continue in their ways, but let us as a society say loudly and clearly, "That's messed up."
A dude who comes on to a woman by sending her a preview of his shaved turgid member, or of a strangely crooked bulge in his underwear, or even of just the head, peaking out like some demented mushroom up to no good, is not a good guy. He is not serving Eros, but at best some sort of goat god who was flayed alive by Apollo for a bet. And he hardens the hearts of his fellow humans, both the men, who lose a little of themselves every time they see another man's johnson, to the women who become sadly jaded about the prospects of finding true romance in the form of texts and jpegs. And obviously any god who might be watching is weeping right now from his many mighty orifices.
As it has been said: first they sent me the cock pics, and I did nothing... Ask yourself, what is it like for a young woman today, her handheld device full to the brim with the excess wood of an ungrateful nation? And does this shit ever work? Rep Wiener, the future patron saint of this ungodly business, has assured us that after 6 years of doing this, he never scored once. And he was a Congressman writing to college girls. College girls, for God's sakes, if it's not going to work there, when can it ever work? An NFL Hall of Famer can't even get FSU Cowgirl to touch it. It cannot work, people, because it should not work, and this is at its core a moral universe. The arc of the universe bends gently and sometimes curves to the side, but, dammit, it curves toward justice!
I mean, do women send people close ups of their labia? No, sir, they do not, they may do many things, take many pictures into the mirror, leaving the flash tragically on, but they don't do that. So let us join the poet Meatloaf and stand up and sing proudly into the air "...No, I won't do that!"
So I encourage you to write your Congressmen, women and children, starting of course with Rep. Wiener, who I believe still heads the House Cock Committee, as well as the Pitched Tent subcommittee, at least pending an Ethics investigation into the ratio of his length to girth. Please also contact Senator Trouser Snake and finally of course President Obama, or as he likes to be called, The Anaconda from Down Under.