So now you're getting offers from folks here at DKos to run your campaign. Note that's "offers," plural.
Now, while I'm fond of these people, you should note that they are, by their own admission, amateurs. Experienced volunteers. All well and good for hanging door tags and coordinating pizza choices for the phone bankers, come the general, but you need someone with a little more gravitas. And a serious understanding of the importance of the youth vote. Dude.
First, let's talk appearance. That do's a serious don't. Straight out of my middle school years, man. Put a Burt Reynolds mustache on and you could sell Camel Filters in the pages of Playboy.
The Santa frosting isn't helping either. My advice is a clean shave. It's quite "now." Maybe throw in a nice O-goatee and an earring.
On second thought, you're a little, how do I say it, generously-endowed and the campaign trail's not really the place one can expect to lose a little 'round the middle, so we're going to have to customize the cue ball a bit.
Extensive study of reality television reveals that men with a good load at the belt, O-goatees, bald heads and earrings can greatly increase their telegenia with a good head tat. Nothing too extreme, mind you. A little Celtic chasing around the back from ear to ear should do it.
Now, about the voice. Um, bro, we've got to do something. Your speech is pinched and high-pitched. Should you get the nom, you're going to up against Barack Obama, one of the finest books-on-tape self-readers of all time.
I know you probably can't lower your tone any, so we're going to have to make the most of what you've got. While the campaign's retooling, I want you and Callista to take a week or so off, maybe take a little cruise if you want, and study this video.
Note, please, that this is only for vocal training. I do NOT want to see you back here with deaths head belt buckles or S&M accouterments. What you do on your own time is your business, but a presidential campaign is not the place...
Finally, your walk. You've spent way too many years stuffed into suits tailored to make you look thinner, bustling from yap show studio to book signing. Frankly, you walk like a stuck up old white guy.
Let the belt out a notch, give the elastic waist a chance to strut its stuff and start working on your pimp roll, my brother. Winning an election in media age ruled by guys like B.H. Obama and Guy Fieri is NOT the same as winning a round with David Gregory on a Sunday set. Get some mojo, my bro.
That's all for now. We'll talk when you get back.
What's that? Policies?
Dude, nobody cares about policies. Not the young, not the old. Nobody. Just promise 'em shit you both know you'll never deliver and call the other guy a traitor.
Jesus, do I have to teach you everything?