Jon Stewart mocked both the Republican presidential candidates from the debate last night, as well as how CNN aired it.
Of course, at a Republican primary debate, it would not be possible to get tripped up by adhering too closely to your ideology, unless of course your ideology is libertarian.
JOHN KING: If a 5-year-old child, an illegal immigrant, walks into an emergency room, does the child get care?
RON PAUL: Well, first off, we shouldn't have the mandates, we've bankrupted the hospitals and the schools in Texas and other states ... we should give them easy citizenship, we should think about protecting our borders ... what's the time when government wasn't, we didn't depend on government for everything ... I want to believe in freedom, freedom has solved these kinds of problems before, you don't have to say, "Oh you're not going to have care, there won't be any care, and everybody's going to starve to death, and die on the streets without medical care." That's the implication of the question, that's just not true, and you shouldn't accept it.
I'm sorry, Congressman Paul, the correct answer is "yes". Yes, 5-year-olds get emergency medical treatment. Yes.
Meanwhile, the night's clear alpha candidate, Mitt Romney, whose frontrunner status and distinguished only-my-sideburns-saw-a-ghost hairdo, allowed him the ability, and I'm speaking relatively, to moderate his position.
Video and transcript below the fold.
Let's go to our ongoing coverage of Indecision 2012! Last night, Republican presidential hopefuls gathered on the set of the world's most patriotic game show, "America's Got America", to engage in their party's second debate. And if you think this debate was going to be like every other presidential debate you've ever seen, you've got shit for brains.
JOHN KING (6/13/2011): Tonight's debate will be different than any presidential debate you've ever seen.
That's right. Each candidate tonight has been poisoned. And has but three hours to live. Oh, there's an antidote, hidden in a box being sat upon by a gay married couple.
Oh, and did I mention it's wrapped in the only original copy of our nation's Constitution? To get the antidote, you must touch the married gays and rip our Constitution! It's quite diabolical! Ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha, ha ha! I don't know why they don't put me in more movies.
I'll let John King tell you why this debate is different.
JOHN KING: In addition to questions from myself and journalists from our partners, the candidates will take questions directly from voters right here in Manchester, as well as from voters at town meetings taking place tonight all across New Hampshire.
How the fuck is that different? You mean, like the debate a couple of years ago you did where everyone asked questions on YouTube? I mean, come on. Actually, CNN asked for and got some pretty good questions from Twitter and Facebook.
JOHN KING: A lot of good questions. Would you have released the bin Laden photos? Would you support Israel at any cost if they are attacked by surrounding hostile countries? Good questions from our viewers there, we'll be right back.
What the...? No, don't...! We're not right back! Marvin A. went to all the trouble of coming up with a question, you're not even going to ask it! What knocked that question off the table?
JOHN KING: Elvis or Johnny Cash? ... Dancing With the Stars or American Idol? ... Coke or Pepsi? ... Blackberry or iPhone? ... Leno or Conan?
And I have a follow-up, crazy bread or churros? Cash or credit? Here or to go?
Oh wait, I'm sorry, we're trying to find out which candidate is qualified to perhaps run America. Are there any other #innovative www./debate@fuckingannoying.tv.tv/bieber you have up your sleeve before we move on?
JOHN KING: You'll see an electronic code on your screen. You can snap a picture of that code, you'll get some exclusive access about our debates, some behind-the-scenes video, some analysis and content.
So you're suggesting that while I watch this debate, I get out my phone and take a picture of the screen, launching a mobile device Internet browser to bring me to another screen filled with exclusive content deemed not good enough to put on your 24-hour 7-day-a-week, why-don't-you-text-us-to-vote-on-what-story-you-want-to-see, lazy Susan of Stupidshit? I watch way too much CNN.
Actually, I apologize. It does sound like a pretty cool idea. Here's ours. Go ahead, take a picture.
It'll bring you to a very informative website. Don't do it now, because we're doing a show.
Anyway, trivialities aside, it was time for the debate, which began with the traditional comparing of the Christmas cards.
TIM PAWLENTY: I'm the father of two beautiful daughters.
HERMAN CAIN: ... father of two, grandfather of three ...
RICK SANTORUM: ... seven children ...
MITT ROMNEY: ... five sons, as you know, five daughters-in-law, 16 grandkids ...
MICHELE BACHMANN: I've given birth to five babies, and I've taken 23 foster children into my home.
We have a winner. And I just want to ask everyone else here up on the dais, have you ever had to divide a birthday cake into 28 equal pieces?
By the way, the only candidate not to mention his kids at all was Newt Gingrich, although he did challenge the others to a Most Wives contest. Consecutive, not concurrent. Nice try, Romney!
Of course, the baby-off was really just a proxy battle for the real battle, a pro-life-off.
MITT ROMNEY: I believe people understand that I am firmly pro-life.
MICHELE BACHMANN: I stand for the right to life.
RICK SANTORUM: Not only have I been consistently pro-life, but I've not just taken the pledge, I've taken the bullets.
TIM PAWLENTY: The National Review Online, which is a conservative publication, said based on results, not just based on words, I was probably the most pro-life candidate in this race.
My favorite magazine?
Yeah. Favorite board game?
No doubt. My favorite Garrett?
It's close, it's close. (Leif.) My favorite word to imagine a native of China stereotypically mispronouncing?
Knew I was going to nail one of 'em.
Of course, at a Republican primary debate, it would not be possible to get tripped up by adhering too closely to your ideology, unless of course your ideology is libertarian.
JOHN KING: If a 5-year-old child, an illegal immigrant, walks into an emergency room, does the child get care?
RON PAUL: Well, first off, we shouldn't have the mandates, we've bankrupted the hospitals and the schools in Texas and other states ... we should give them easy citizenship, we should think about protecting our borders ... what's the time when government wasn't, we didn't depend on government for everything ... I want to believe in freedom, freedom has solved these kinds of problems before, you don't have to say, "Oh you're not going to have care, there won't be any care, and everybody's going to starve to death, and die on the streets without medical care." That's the implication of the question, that's just not true, and you shouldn't accept it.
I'm sorry, Congressman Paul, the correct answer is "yes". Yes, 5-year-olds get emergency medical treatment. Yes.
Meanwhile, the night's clear alpha candidate, Mitt Romney, whose frontrunner status and distinguished only-my-sideburns-saw-a-ghost hairdo, allowed him the ability, and I'm speaking relatively, to moderate his position. Like when Romney was asked about excluding Muslims from his Cabinet.
MITT ROMNEY: No, I think we recognize that people of all faiths are welcome in this country. Our nation was founded on a principle of religious tolerance.
Wow. Uh, wow. OK. Terrific. Well let's just move on then. That was, uh....
NEWT GINGRICH: I just want to comment for a second.
Oh. Yes, the artist formerly known as Newt Gingrich?
NEWT GINGRICH: The Pakistani who emigrated to the U.S., became a citizen, built a car bomb, which luckily failed to go off in Times Square, was asked by the federal judge, how could he have done that when he signed and when he swore an oath to the United States? And he looked at the judge and he said, "You're my enemy. I lied." ... I am in favor of saying to people, if you're not prepared to be loyal to the United States, you will not serve in my administration, period!
(confused pause)
So the point of your story is, people lie when they swear oaths of loyalty to the United States. And your solution is, I will say to these people, "hey don't do that."
But the most anticipated matchup was not Gingrich-Romney, but in fact Pawlenty-Romney, with a preview of the fireworks on Fox News Sunday
TIM PAWLENTY (6/10/2011): President Obama said that he designed ObamaCare after RomneyCare, and basically made it ObameyCare.
Oh no you didn't! Two names, together, with care! It's like the Brangelina of socialized medicine! Oh dayum! It's on!
JOHN KING: Your rival is standing right there. If it was ObameyCare on Fox News Sunday, why is it not ObameyCare standing here with the Governor right there?
TIM PAWLENTY: President Obama is the person who I quoted in saying he looked to Massachusetts for designing his program. He's the one who said it's a blueprint in that he merged the two programs, and so using the term ObameyCare was a reflection of the President's comments that he designed ObamaCare on the Massachusetts health care plan.
Did I say ObameyCare? I meant to say ObaPalinCare. She's not here, right? Is she here? Palin's not here? ObaPalinCare! That's what it....
Still, the night was a surefire success, at least according to the only metric that matters to CNN.
JOHN KING: Seven candidates up on stage as they try to impress the voters of New Hampshire and the voters of the country tonight. We've become, we are told, a trending topic on Twitter.
(gasps) A trending topic on Twitter! They made it! You know, I didn't care about this when it was nationally broadcast on television, but trending on Twitter? In fact, the debate was Twitter topic #3, right up there between #bigmistake and #watching teen wolf. Keep in mind, though, #watching teen wolf is also a reference to something that was on CNN. It's Blitzer's new show.
We'll be right back.
Also, John Oliver filed this hilarious piece likening the presidential campaign to a horror movie sequel. Stephen also covered the GOP debate, and then lectured Sesame Street for brainwashing our kids to learn self-control.