Following Monday’s “presidential” debate in New Hampshire, I couldn’t help but think: who are these dinosaurs? Like many kids I loved dinosaurs, and spent many hours building little dioramas for them so that they could enjoy a brief respite from their life in a dusty shoebox. I loved fossil hunting, and never missed a chance to go to a natural history museum wherever I traveled. The bookcase in my office is covered with plastic friends from the Mesozoic. Dinosaurs are cool.
Now that they’re storming across the countryside, trampling on our rights, chomping on the Constitution, leaving us slashed and bleeding in a ditch, and defecating on us, they’re a lot less amusing. If this campaign is any indication, we’d better arm ourselves with the facts about these frightening creatures, and see what we can do to accelerate their Path to Extinction. Follow along below the coprolite to “know your dinosaurs”…
Archeopteryx bachmanii – colorful plumage, bizarre behavior, and peculiar vocalizations distract and confuse predators and prey alike. Fossil record reveals strong family instincts, including co-opting offspring of other dinosaurs to increase family size. Uses hill-top vantage point to repeat its shrill cry “repealobamacare”. Able to hear very high frequencies, including those emanating from celestial systems. Distinguishable from Pteranosaur palinii by minimally larger cranial size.
Brontosaurus romneii – instills sense of deference of other dinosaurs through his formidable size which has so far enabled it to escape extinction despite near-fatal missteps. Long neck and well-groomed head move back and forth in rapid “whiplash” fashion suggesting confusion, inability to process information from the surrounding environment, and poor instincts. This species is particularly vulnerable to the virus Romnicarus Massachussientsis, which causes it to break out in a cold sweat. Not territorial, it moves frequently and maintains several large caves.
Googleosaurus pawlentii timii – generally limited to the American Midwest, this small, harmless biped is known for its timid demeanor and ability to survive by lulling its predators to sleep. Nips others in the ankle, then retreats quickly when threatened. Easy prey for larger carnivores.
Pteranosaurus palinii - loud squawking voice, leathery exterior (but very thin skinned). Inept hunter. Communicates through incomprehensible tweets and interviews with Gretasaurus botoxus foxii. Highly protective of family members while concurrently exploiting them to expand its territory. Flies around the country dropping folksy "pronouncements", then retreats quickly to a well-appointed desert cave, having evolved beyond life in the tundra. Able to mesmerize predators with unpredictable behavior and rapidly changing camouflage.
Pizzasaurus hermanii – king of the omnivores, this creature is known for its large, round, flat deposits which are relied upon as a staple in the Mesozoic diet. Also known for its vocalizations which carry long distances.
Stegasaurus newtii – heavily armor plated, slow lumbering gait; remains out of sight for long periods of time, emerging to lash out with its spiked tail. Most of its waning intellectual power resides in vestigial ganglion at base of tail. This creature has shown that extinction is no barrier to continued attempts to dominate its environment. Unable to maintain typical family or communal relationships, it uses fossilized carbon trinkets to attract and retain females. Rarely seen without its current mate, the fixed-stare Callistasaurus tiffanii.
Texasaurus paulii – most ancient of the dinosaurs and a testament to the triumph of tenacity. With its large, heavily armored head and sharp horns, and single-minded vision, the Texasaurus warns its community of approaching dangers while hoarding shiny gold metal nuggets in its cave for the coming Day of Extinction. The fossil record links this creature to the infamous Rand Petroglyphs that exhorted the dinosaurs to trample one another in a quest for self fulfillment.
Velociraptor santorum - small, evil ankle-biter; destroys nests, steals eggs, uses poison venom to disable enemies. Despised throughout the animal kingdom, and probably beyond, with good reason. Extinction can’t come soon enough.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Fri Jun 17, 2011 at 5:26 AM PT: In anticipation of the announcement of the announcement of his candidacy, here's one more critter for our dinomenagerie:
Globetrotosaurus huntsmanii – just back from the Gobi Desert, this highly-evolved dinosaur returns to challenge his benefactor, uber-lifeform Obamasaurus professorialis, for top spot on the Mesozoic food chain. Its global territorial range and finely-honed communications skills make it a formidable match for the monosyllabic cave-dwellers who claim that “Skyosaurus” has asked them to enter the fray. A careful and deliberate strategist, globetrotosaurus has been known to telegraph his intentions well in advance of any moves using cryptic visual imagery.