The following are effective immediately!
9.1 Fertilizing the Tree of Liberty
Effective immediately, no one is allowed to use Thomas Jefferson's quotation, "The tree of Liberty needs to be watered from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants," unless they first use all their own blood. Demanding others contribute blood as well would be socialist, and good patriots know that Jefferson wouldn't promote socialism. They don't know what socialism is, but god damn it, they're sure Jefferson would be against it as much as he was against sex with free white women.
There are already too many armchair warriors. You know the type. They're constantly using Jefferson's quote from the safety of their computer keyboard. They've got an extensive NRA bumper sticker collection proclaiming their willingness to die to subsidize the Firearms Manufacturing Industry. And when bin Laden was killed, they gasped "We got 'im!" at the TV before collapsing back into their recliner, crushing their last crate of Ho-Hos.
No more quoting Jefferson for them!
But what about people who actually do shed blood and try to sell that act as serving the cause of liberty? Heck, that's a perfect description of murderer Timothy McVeigh. Look, if you really want be an American martyr, or launch a jihad for Jesus made in the USA, or you just feel like dying because some lobbyist tricked you into doing so by converting select passages of the USA's historical documents into a sales pitch, you have to remember this is the land of personal responsibility, individuality and initiative. So you first. Water that tree with every last drop of your own blood and only your blood. The rest of us will add the fertilizer.
9.2 Extreme Makeover: Polygamist Cult Edition
Effective immediately, polygamist cults need to start dressing the women hotter. What is the point of being god's chosen ones if all your many wives look like identical extras from Little House on the Prairie? Come on, polygals! Sex it up! More Hefner, less heifer!
And polyguys, I know you're not fans of equality, but you've got a part to play, too: get some new clothes! For heavenly father's sake, overalls are as likely to impress the chicks as tweeting them a picture of your penis. We all can't be on the cutting edge of fashion, true, but at least try for something post-eighteenth century.
With these simple tips, you'll all be looking your best on national TV when the FBI inevitably raids your compound.
9.3 Pirate Sludge Not Worth Seein'
Effective immediately, there will be no more Pirates of the Caribbean movies. The need for this requirement should be self-explanatory to anyone who has seen the movie. Yes, I said movie, not movies, since the only thing that changes from one noisy mess to the next is the title. Of course you know I'm kidding. Everyone knows the title doesn't change! Only the subtitle does.
Third Left Tenant, Sub Division
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