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The following are effective immediately!

9.1 Fertilizing the Tree of Liberty
Effective immediately, no one is allowed to use Thomas Jefferson's quotation, "The tree of Liberty needs to be watered from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants," unless they first use all their own blood. Demanding others contribute blood as well would be socialist, and good patriots know that Jefferson wouldn't promote socialism. They don't know what socialism is, but god damn it, they're sure Jefferson would be against it as much as he was against sex with free white women.

There are already too many armchair warriors. You know the type. They're constantly using Jefferson's quote from the safety of their computer keyboard. They've got an extensive NRA bumper sticker collection proclaiming their willingness to die to subsidize the Firearms Manufacturing Industry. And when bin Laden was killed, they gasped "We got 'im!" at the TV before collapsing back into their recliner, crushing their last crate of Ho-Hos.

No more quoting Jefferson for them!

But what about people who actually do shed blood and try to sell that act as serving the cause of liberty? Heck, that's a perfect description of murderer Timothy McVeigh. Look, if you really want be an American martyr, or launch a jihad for Jesus made in the USA, or you just feel like dying because some lobbyist tricked you into doing so by converting select passages of the USA's historical documents into a sales pitch, you have to remember this is the land of personal responsibility, individuality and initiative. So you first. Water that tree with every last drop of your own blood and only your blood. The rest of us will add the fertilizer.

9.2 Extreme Makeover: Polygamist Cult Edition
Effective immediately, polygamist cults need to start dressing the women hotter. What is the point of being god's chosen ones if all your many wives look like identical extras from Little House on the Prairie? Come on, polygals! Sex it up! More Hefner, less heifer!

And polyguys, I know you're not fans of equality, but you've got a part to play, too: get some new clothes! For heavenly father's sake, overalls are as likely to impress the chicks as tweeting them a picture of your penis. We all can't be on the cutting edge of fashion, true, but at least try for something post-eighteenth century.

With these simple tips, you'll all be looking your best on national TV when the FBI inevitably raids your compound.

9.3 Pirate Sludge Not Worth Seein'
Effective immediately, there will be no more Pirates of the Caribbean movies. The need for this requirement should be self-explanatory to anyone who has seen the movie. Yes, I said movie, not movies, since the only thing that changes from one noisy mess to the next is the title. Of course you know I'm kidding. Everyone knows the title doesn't change! Only the subtitle does.


Larry Nocella
Third Left Tenant, Sub Division

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Comment Preferences

  •  Worth a rec for smile of the day (0+ / 0-)

    "when bin Laden was killed, they gasped "We got 'im!" at the TV before collapsing back into their recliner, crushing their last crate of Ho-Hos."

    Genius, because right on the mark.
    Extra credit for the LITTLE HOUSE reference.

  •  Realpolitik... (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:


    Democracy is the most fundamental revolutionary principle. Information is the ultimate key.

    by Radical def on Fri Jun 17, 2011 at 08:38:09 AM PDT

    •  It's probably the best thing he ever wrote. (0+ / 0-)

      The poutrage over it is sad.

      grieving citizen of the murdered Republic, unrepentant rebel against the Empire.

      by khereva on Fri Jun 17, 2011 at 09:14:06 AM PDT

      [ Parent ]

      •  Yeah, well, that was then, this is now (0+ / 0-)

        Conditions have changed, in many good ways, and not a little due to their revolutionary foresight...but beyond their wildest dreams, I think, also.

        Indeed, I think conditions now are virtually utopian, compared to then, in many regards, in terms of revolutionary theory...despite the many imprecations of monopoly corporate fascism.

        As I recall, Jefferson once posed the outrageous, indeed, illegal theory, that blacks, if raised, nourished and educated like whites, would, could, theoretically, potentially, be equal to whites in every way, ie: human.

        Evolution of the aspiration for, and the pursuit of, and the degree of attempted implementation of democracy, has transpired, historically, since ancient times, it seems to me.

        Just because it has Never really been accomplished, Anywhere, especially on such a large scale as we contemplate here and now, in the USA, does not mean that's it's impossible, or undesirable...only that the elite opposition that always emerges against democracy is very rich, powerful and ruthless in suppressing it.

        Marx theorized that once the masses knew how to read and write and do basic math, we would no longer "need" an elite managerial class to lord it over us and direct the coordination of production and distribution of goods and services.  

        In this distant utopian future, theoretically, we would then be able to manage the affairs of our society ourselves, democratically, and "the state", as an externally imposed authoritarian elite dictatorship, would begin to "wither away".

        If anyone can do this, we can.  Hopefully, it can be done democratically, electorally, without civil war.

        However, the prospect for civil war, from the right, will grow more likely, the closer we get to actual real democracy.

        The more substantial the popular democratic mandate, the more readily right wing reactionary conservative counter-revolutionary anti-democratic civil war can be suppressed.

        This is ALL about the relative right/left plurality in the House and Senate, and down the ladders of power to the state and local levels.

        Bring the Better Democrats!

        All Out for 2012!

        Democracy is the most fundamental revolutionary principle. Information is the ultimate key.

        by Radical def on Fri Jun 17, 2011 at 01:13:17 PM PDT

        [ Parent ]

        •  There are no better democrats to bring. (0+ / 0-)

          If the past generation hasn't taught us that, then there is indeed no hope for anyone.

          grieving citizen of the murdered Republic, unrepentant rebel against the Empire.

          by khereva on Fri Jun 17, 2011 at 07:06:31 PM PDT

          [ Parent ]

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