Something has been eating at me for some time and I hadn't been able to figure out what it was. Like a splinter in my mind....and all that.
It has dawned on me what it is.
I may be white.
I may have been born in America to white Americans who were born to white Americans who were born to white Americans who were born here and one Native American....who was born here.
Despite all that whiteness and all that nativity.... I have failed.
I am not a very good American.
Here is an example of good Americans
This is how we are supposed to be. Shallow, uneducated, materialistic, drunk. Did I say shallow, already?
Here's some good Americans givin' commies like me an earful of what I am talking about, at a rally against the evils of healthcare.
I just can't be like these people.
I am unsure why - all I know is that I don't fit in and haven't for some time. I like healthcare and think everybody should have it and that a few fat white old men should not get obscenely huge checks everyday for it.
I have failed to fit in so far as I can discern from the media messages and rightwing blather that I cannot evade once I leave my unAmerican little home. When I venture out into the World I am bathed in this capitalist propaganda of BUY - CONSUME - CONFORM.
You are expected to be born, to have your creative spark dimmed and stunted through our public school system, be able to work endlessly for shiny things you don't need on credit you cannot afford and to not ask questions about the world around you.
I'm 50, nearly 51 years old and so far as I can tell, I am in good health. Old and healthy aren't really desirable in a for-profit country like America. Hurry up and die fast is the Amerrican thing to do.
I am supposed to be sitting in a chair, awaiting my demise, taking 50-some different medications to control all my remaining bodily functions, at some exorbitant charge each month, profiting some fat white guy in a massive mansion.
I work on my health and have for years, really. I don't smoke tobacco and I drink very little alcohol, very infrequently. Not even enough to qualify as a dietary supplement.
I exercise: I run, lift a little weight, eat relatively healthy.
I used to hike and camp - that's unAmerican. It's eco-terrorism. I didn't spend too much money while I was camping. I walked to improve my health and I was entertained for free. I reveled in the cheap showiness of Nature. I slept outside....ON PUBLIC LAND!! Paid for by TAXES!!
I am not a good American.
I don't own a gun. Not yet at least - thinking about getting a couple small shotguns for home defense. Not owning a gun is apparently unAmerican, given that our country was built on God, guts and them. But right now - no guns. Unarmed is Unamerican.
Speaking of God, I'm not a good American because I am not a Christian. I mean, I grew up indoctrinated with that ideology but I never go to church. I feel I benefited from education and that evolutionary science explains more about the world I see than most of the rainbow of flavors of modern Christianity.
Not a good American.
Like I said above, I am white, but that has done me only a little good over my life - some for sure, but less and less over time I think. I insist on being myself and having long hair. I won't wear a tie until I am groveling for employment. I play loud guitar, I smoke mara-ju-wanna and cannot produce pure, clean American urine.
I am a terrible American.
I'm not totally dirt-poor but I have lived check to check my whole life. I haven't made a million dollars. 35 came and wen't and I was still paycheck to paycheck. 51 is steaming up fast and I am still check to check. I got an education but it was a liberal one. I got a graduate education....for mental health and education - 2 more things that America doesn't like.
I help the poor: America HATES the poor, it hates helping them and currently Americans are working hard, at least some of the most American of them, to eliminate our big poor-people-helping government. They want to shut it off like a light.
My marriage is REALLY an affront to this country. Good Americans are worried about the impact of gay Americans marrying - how do you think it makes them feel that I married a FOREIGNER....for a REAL FOREIGN Country...who isn't white??? How can good Americans preserve their marriage when I married outside my own race and imported a foreigner to these shores? I really worked at that one - followed the rules of the US Federal Government to accomplish it.
I am a really bad American.
I vote Democratic - that's really unAmerican.
I don't jump up and down about voting Democratic - I only do it because there's nobody else to vote for.
I am a liberal and Republicans have - amazingly, really - nothing to offer me.
Not. 1. fucking. thing.
Because I am a bad American.
Democrats offer some vague hope but are very frustrating to deal with because they are such wimps. They throw fights they don't need to throw because..well, I am unsure why. Sometime I think it is all Kabuki theater. Sometime I think that I am just smarter than most people, including politicians, and I am simply doomed to have to deal with it. Sort of like being forced to drive 35 when your car can do 90 with ease.
I don't have a huge need for a shiny car. I like my old, beat-up, paid off truck. I don't have any desire to dress flashy.
I don't need to be a millionaire - I just don't want to worry my sleep about bills and eating and living indoors.
I don't want a McMansion.
I don't want a Mercedes.
I don't give a fuck about the kardashians.
I could care less who is dancing with the fucking stars.
I don't listen to 'entertainment news' or 'follow the stars' because my life is more important to me than somebody else's, unlike good Americans who neglect their own souls to keep up with what some half-wit celebrity is thinking.
Or wearing.
Or driving.
I want to help the poor and I am willing to pay taxes to do it.
I think we should keep government. Fix it up, for sure, but we need it.
I want effective new bullet trains and electric cars and solar power and wind turbines.
I want Big Oil to get a pink slip.
I want Wall Street investigated for crimes against he People of this country.
I want the money they stole returned to us
But then, as I said, I am a bad American.