In San Diego we have had three murder-suicides in the past month in which children have been killed by their parents. The latest was a day after Father's Day, when a dad shot his 13- and 15-year old sons, lit the house on fire, and then shot himself. The boys and father were seen the day before playing basketball in the driveway. Neighbors had no idea anything was wrong, and they were well connected to the local community. The father was an attorney and clinical psychologist who worked as a coach for financial and legal professionals. His business was called Solutions Directed Coaching, and featured a system he called "Flexible Optimism." Records showed that the house had recently been slated for foreclosure, after rising dramatically in value during the housing bubble (it was purchased well before that) and then decreasing back to a level still above the purchase price. Presumably home equity loans had been taken out, possibly to finance the father's return for his PhD in psychology.
The mother -- who no longer lived with them -- is a Harvard-educated attorney who works for the county government. There is speculation that there may have been a custody dispute. There are photos of her crumbling with despair when she met the police at the house the following morning.
The kids, Sean and Kyle, were both "A" students with lots of friends. They were active in athletic and school activities, especially science. A Facebook page in their honor has had hundreds of posts from school friends and acquaintances. One mentions that the father was his football coach and a "nice guy." Sean went to a unique San Diego charter high school called High Tech High. He had just completed his freshman year. As part of the curriculum the students put together a Digital Portfolio about their classes and experiences. At the end of the year, they write a "Transitional Interview of Learning," about the broader things they have learned over the year. From Sean's Digital Portfolio:
When I first saw my class I thought that the year was going to be terrible but now I realize how much closer my class has become and I think that I could work with any person in our class. At the beginning of the year, our class was crazy and hardly anyone knew each other. Now, at the end of the year, we have become an actual team, but we still are a wild group. I think that the projects really bring us together as friends and make us feel closer to each other.
This year I have taken experiences. I have taken knowledge. Most importantly I have taken life lessons. This year I learned how to work with others. I think that this will help me throughout my life because the world is becoming more interconnected and it will greatly help to be able to work will people to get things finished. Like the old saying that two heads is better than one. I also learned about the habits of heart and mind, such as mindfulness...
He includes a funny line that makes me wish I'd had his sense when I was 15: "I had so much trouble staying organized during the year and next year I will write in my planner to remind me to stay organized, and I will write in my phone to remind me to use my planner, also I will write post-it notes to remind me to use my phone." His parents were involved and supportive, and he says "I want to create a contract with my parents that says I can't complain if they remind me to get my work done and I have to finish my work right when I get home from school before I do anything else."
Kyle Fuchs
Sean Fuchs
I did not know the family, and certainly do not know what was in the father's mind. Many parents go through similar times without taking action like this. Was the home foreclosure a major part of the problem? Seems like a reasonable assumption. Would something else have come along that would have tipped the balance eventually anyway, because of some mental instability? What kind of thinking could make him come to the conclusion that his sons had to die along with him, even though they had a capable mother? Shouldn't he of all people -- a clinical psychologist -- have known that there were alternatives? There are too many questions to make simple judgements.
Harnessing the power of Flexible Optimism is a key piece to the work we'll be doing in our coaching together. I am not talking about a belief that all you need to do is think positive thoughts and things will fall into your lap. Flexible Optimism is all about being resilient in the face of negative events or difficult circumstances. -- Solutions Directed Coaching web site.
Even with all the unanswerable questions, it is hard to not see this is an example of the raw human costs of economic collapse. And if this kind of suffering can happen with a family that is educated about the benefits of therapy, knows the value of reaching out when one needs help, and has the support of neighbors and community, how much suffering occurs with those who lack those resources?
Thomas Fuchs
This is my dad. He is my hero because he inspires me to get a great education and to do great things. He has a great influence on my culture. We both like the same sports, music, T.V. shows, and pretty much everything. He was a lawyer and he has a Psy.D. He is now a practicing business coach and he is very successful. I really like spending time with him because he is a great influence and a great role model. -- Sean Fuchs, Digital Portfolio "Hero"
UPDATE: More info today on the father's situation. He was $12,000 behind in mortgage payments and had recently been discussing foreclosure, but there was a lot of other financial stress as well. He had been divorced since 2007, with joint custody, and also owed his ex-wife for her interest in the house.
http://www.signonsandiego.com/...
As I said above, there are so many factors involved here, with impending foreclosue only one of them, but it seems the most proximate external factor was an untenable financial situation. The business coaching profession couldn't be booming in this economy.
What is most unsettling to me is that an apparently very good parent (up until then) felt the need to do this. To save face? A business/financial coach losing his home would almost equate to losing his profession. Could he not face that perceived failure? Could he not face his children seeing that? What level of perfectionism creates that mindset, especially in someone who tried to help others leave their business problems at work? (Flexible Optimism bullet point #3: "Prevent negative events from leaking out and impacting interactions with others around you.") I am not laying the blame for his actions on external circumstances. It is just astounding the chain of thought and behavior that can be set in motion. What can we as a community do to prevent this kind of tragedy? Was this purely the result of one man's twisted thinking, or are the yardsticks for measuring success in our society so horribly twisted that they contribute to the problem?