By reading this, you - the End User - do agree to the following Terms and Conditions of this License Agreement. This product is the exclusive property of Super Happy Funtime Joy-Joy Smiley Sunshine Freedom Company Inc.TM, a subsidiary of Humans Are Dumb And Must Die GlobalTM, and your use of the product; its components; and any and all objects, words, ideas, or abstract concepts which may or may not bear resemblance to what the proprietors were thinking when they built it shall be strictly limited to the Terms and Conditions hereby agreed to.
I agree not to...
- Copy, distribute, or alter this product.
- Make public representations about the product.
- Hold or express negative opinions about the proprietor companies.
- Use the product in ways which may foreseeably compromise the share price of the proprietor companies.
- Disobey personal commands given by executives of the proprietor companies, or in any way fail to show utmost respect in their presence.
- Engage in business competitive with the proprietor companies, purchase products or services from its competitors, or buy, sell, or own shares in its competitors.
- Trouble the proprietors' executives, shareholders, and all direct social or familial relations thereof by being in their physical presence in any capacity other than as a waiter, butler, janitor, bus-boy, or other menial servant, unless expressly requested to serve in another capacity.
- Vote in elections.
- Have children.
- Name children.
- Defecate.
...without the explicit consent of the proprietor companies, and under any and all terms they may require.
I additionally grant sole, exclusive, and eternal proprietorship of...
- All thoughts, dreams, and other nerve impulses derived from this product, its memory, or its anticipation...
- My genetic code, and all that derive from it in part or in whole...
- Any and all property I will ever acquire until the end of time...
...to the proprietors of this product.
Furthermore, I do hereby renounce...
- All current and future citizenship in any and all nation-states of which I am currently a citizen, and all constitutional, statutory, and customary rights to which that status would entitle me.
- My legal status as a human being and the rights under international law to which that would entitle me.
- All legal, moral, clandestine, military, or other recourse against the proprietors of this product.
- Third-party protection under animal cruelty or other laws.
And I agree to...
- Fall immediately prostrate in the presence of executives and shareholders in the proprietor companies, as well as their families and designees of their authority.
- Speak to executives and shareholders of the proprietor companies, as well as their families and designees, only when spoken to.
- Address executives and shareholders in the proprietor companies, as well as their families, as "Your Omnipotent and Most Awesome Heroic Majesty," and address designees thereof as "Your Vicarious Holiness."
- Provide any and all sexual services, be they manual, oral, fecal, or bestial, upon request of executives and shareholders in the proprietor companies, their families, or designees, without objection, delay, or compensation.
- Commit elaborate forms of public self-mortification for the amusement of executives of Humans Are Dumb And Must Die GlobalTM or any of its subsidiaries, upon request.
- Tattoo the logo of Super Happy Funtime Joy-Joy Smiley Sunshine Freedom Company Inc.TM on my forehead, forearms, calves, and other bodily surfaces which are commonly exposed to public view.
- Recognize the Chairman and CEO of Humans Are Dumb And Must Die GlobalTM as Thy God, and all subordinate executives as persons of divine status and infinite wisdom.
(Clicks 'Decline'...)
We here at Super Happy Funtime Joy-Joy Smiley Sunshine Freedom Inc.TM are sorry you feel that way. We have informed your employer, credit bureau, insurance companies, your children's teachers, local police department, utilities providers, and Homeland Security office about your lack of cooperativeness, and hope you will reconsider.
If you are accessing this License Agreement on a Super Happy Funtime Joy-Joy Smiley Sunshine Freedom Inc.TM device or that of other subsidiaries of Humans Are Dumb And Must Die GlobalTM, an explosive embedded in the product has now been activated and will detonate in five minutes, or sooner if your proximity to the device exceeds 0.2 meters. The proprietors are not responsible for any consequences which may or may not follow the activation of this component.
Should you, the End User, choose of your own free will to select "I am sure," you thereby grant sole ownership of your mortal remains to Good Hungry Love Safe Delicious Gourmet Foods Inc.TM, another subsidiary of Humans Are Dumb And Must Die GlobalTM.
(Hastily removes battery from device...)
Your attempt to unlawfully terminate an End User License Agreement process has activated a secondary power backup, and reduced the explosive timer to 15 seconds. We here at Super Happy Funtime Joy-Joy Smiley Sunshine Freedom Inc.TM and its parent company regret any inconvenience your fiery obliteration will cau-