From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Time once again to play History: Cruel…or Kind?
Round 1
A Marist poll reveals that fewer than six-in-ten Americans know that we declared independence in 1776, and nearly one-in-five don’t know that we gave the middle-finger salute to Great Britain.
History will be kind because we must stop living in the past and look to the future, as any dishonest politician who doesn’t want you snooping into their past will tell you. Besides, all we really need to know about history is that Adam and Eve rode a dinosaur to Wal-Mart.
History will be cruel because it has a habit of sneaking up and biting people who forget it in the ass.
Verdict: History will be KIND. The founding fathers already did our heavy thinkin' for us, so we can just sit back, switch our missile defense shield on auto-pilot, pop open a cold one, turn on Dancing with the Stars, and let our neurons drift off to happyland.
Round 2
Republican and former grand wizard of the KKK David Duke mulls the possibility of running for the White House.
History will be kind because if the GOP wants to be a big-tent party, they gotta make room at the table for their white supremacist wing.
History will be cruel because if the GOP wants to be a big-tent party, they gotta make room at the table for their white supremacist wing.
Verdict: History will be CRUEL. The Republican party needs David Duke on their debate stage like they need more holes in their Swiss-cheese heads. But, hey, who are we to argue with the teabaggers?
Round 3
Joey Chestnut and Sonya Thomas win the men's and women's titles in the Nathan's International Hot Dog Eating Contest on Coney island.
History will be kind because I just made you forget about politics for a few seconds.
History will be cruel because by telling you that Mr. Chestnut ate 62 hot dogs in ten minutes, and Ms. Thomas ate 40, I just made you feel like ralphing for a few minutes.
Verdict: History will be KIND. As General George "Blood and Guts" Patton once said while sucking down German sausages after crossing the Rhine: "Americans love a winner and will not tolerate a loser! Now pass the goddam mustard, you sons 'o bitches."
Next week: history judges Thaddeus McCotter and earwig poetry! Meanwhile Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Note: Announcing a New England Kossack meetup in Portsmouth, New Hasmpshire! Date: Saturday, July 30th. Time: 1-4pm. NEW Location: We're trying a new place called The Chef's Table, which has a nice upstairs bar and grill. Please RSVP to my better half, Michael, so we can get a headcount: cuckolds04103@gmail.com. Hope you can make it. Portsmouth in summer is mighty purty. (Adding: If you're having a meetup in your neck of the woods, lemme know and I'll be happy to let folks know about it via the mighty C&J megaphone.)
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By the Numbers:
Days, respectively, 'til the first and second round of recall-election primaries in Wisconsin: 6, 13
(Source: TMJ4)
Days `til the Bangor State Fair: 23
Increase in factory orders for May: 0.8%
(Source: Commerce Dept.)
Rank of Maine, Wyoming and New Hampshire among states with the highest rates of military personnel killed in 2010 (per 100,000 residents): #1, #2, #3
Rank of South Dakota, New Jersey and Delaware: #48, #49, #50
(Source: The Portland Press Herald)
Increase in usage of, respectively, Opiates, cocaine and cannabis in the U.S. between 1998 and 2008: 35%, 27%, 8.5%
(Source: Time)
Approximate number of years in a trillion seconds: 32,000
(USA Today)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 182 (including 4 crime rates and 1 instance of admirable restraint). Soul Protection Factor 16 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: You've heard of drunk driving, drunk boating and even drunk dialing. In New York City, they're tackling drunk puppy buying. Really.
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CHEERS to one last ride. Enjoy these final days of the U.S. Space Shuttle program while you can. The crew of Atlantis goes up Friday morning for one last platonic hookup with the floating Club Med in the sky…if the weather gives it the green light (and you know how testy Mother Nature's become ever since Chiffon decided it was a swell idea to piss her off). Here's the latest:
The countdown for the final space shuttle launch began yesterday at 1 p.m. EDT, starting at the T-43 hour mark. However, the launch-day weather forecast looks less than favorable for Friday's 11:26 p.m. liftoff.
At the 10 a.m. pre-countdown status briefing yesterday, NASA Test Director Jeremy Graeber reported space shuttle Atlantis is ready for flight, and STS-135 payload manager Joe Delai said the payloads are ready to go as well. The only issue standing in the way of liftoff on Friday is a 60 percent chance of showers and thunderstorms developing along the sea-breeze front reported Kathy Winters, shuttle weather officer.
The end of the shuttle era marks the beginning of the deep-space era, as government and private scientists and entrepreneurs huddle together to plan for longer-range human excursions into the Great Beyond. It will be the greatest test yet of human ingenuity, creativity and perseverance. Step one: lunch.
CHEERS to words of hope from the man from Hope. Bill Clinton tells ABC News that we have reason for optimism next year, at least in terms of keeping the White House, partly because Republicans will immolate themselves on the altar of Gilded-Age purity:
"Since they, apparently, ideologically, will not permit their candidates to do some of the things that would be most effective in creating jobs and in balancing budget, I just don't think they'll be able to get away with what they got away with in the election in 2010," Clinton said. "You won't just be able to say, 'Vote for me, I'm the non-Obama.' I think he's going to be able to point to a lot of very specific things that are better. I think that he's going to be able to convince people that it takes a little longer after that kind of collapse to recover. It took Japan a decade to recover. ... We're coming back quicker than that."
My prediction of an Obama landslide still stands, and here's why: voters won’t necessarily re-pull the lever for him because he's a great president (yet), but they will vote for him because he's proven himself to be a pretty good one, sluggish economy or no sluggish economy. Plus Intrade says so, and if there's one group that hates to lose, it's the gambling industry. Of course, my opinion could completely change in 30 seconds when I hit "Refresh." (I learned that from Mitt.)
JEERS to Rebranding 101. For those of you who may have missed the memo, the following states have changed their slogans:
Maine: "The way life should be" is now "We'll do anything for a buck."
Minnesota: "Explore Minnesota" is now "Explore the Dakotas---we're closed."
Wisconsin: "Live like you mean it" is now "Live like you could be strangled by a Supreme Court justice at any moment."
New Jersey: "Come see for yourself" is now "Coming here to punch our governor in the head? Take a number."
Montana: "The last best place" is now "The latest oily place."
Coming soon to a license plate, postcard and t-shirt near you.
CHEERS to greenbacks. On July 6, 1785, Congress officially agreed that the unit of U.S. currency would be called the "dollar." Or, as we call it today, judging by our bank accounts and 401(k)s: the "endangered species."
CHEERS to the Boston Red Sox. The best baseball team in the history of civilization (if you don't count the ancient world's mighty Grecian Urns) produced an "It Gets Better" video. They say it's intended to raise the spirits of a group of people who have been bullied and kicked around by their peers for too long. A thoughtful gesture, and I hope it does, indeed, give comfort to the Houston Astros.
JEERS to the party of personal irresponsibility. On July 6, 1854 the Republican Party held its first convention in Jackson, Michigan. Back then, they really were high on swell ideas:
We believe that slavery is a violation of the rights of man---as a man---we vow at whatever expense, and publicly proclaim our determination, to oppose by all the powerful and honorable means in our power, now and henceforth, all attempts, direct and indirect, to extend slavery in this country, or to permit it to extend into any region or locality in which it does not now exist by positive low, or to admit new slave states into the Union.
Today the Republicans' de facto leader is Rush Limbaugh, who got fired from a TV gig for making racist comments, and whose listeners get the giggles when he plays their favorite song, Barack the Magic Negro. Meanwhile the GOP base still thinks the awesomest gift for any occasion is the Obama monkey doll. Bet Honest Abe's havin' a knee-slappin' guffaw over that one.
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Five years ago in C&J: July 6, 2006
CHEERS to popping the emperor's balloon. Last Thursday the Supreme Court confirmed that the "Bush Doctrine" of torture and secrecy isn't worth a bucket of warm spit. The Republican Congress---amid shouts of "He does too have clothes!"---has vowed to pass an emergency measure replacing the Constitution with a bucket of warm spit.
JEERS to phony outrage. Republican Lawmakers are demanding to know why the MPAA is giving a rating to a Christian-themed football movie that means everyone can see it (PG), instead of giving it a rating that means everyone can see it (G). Thank God they're here to tackle the tough issues.
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And just one more…
(Microscopic) cheers to The Decider. C&J has a rule that says we can never jeer someone on their birthday, no matter how vile or despicable they are. But there is nothing in our bylaws that says we can't alter certain song lyrics. Ahem...
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday to you,
Happy birthday, George W. Bush, you scum-suckin', torture-luvin', incompetent-crony-hirin', PDB ignorin', oil company bootlickin', Constitution-shreddin', The Pet Goat readin', bogus-war-startin' disaster,
Happy birthday to you.
He's 65 today and barely looks younger than his 90 year-old dad. Enjoy that Social Security, sir. Thanks to our efforts to kill your privatization efforts, it's still there for ya.
Have a nice Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Cheers and Jeers needs an intervention. It has become a cult.
---Richard Cohen
7/5/11
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