From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
So, just to recap: In Republican World…
- Blowing up the U.S. economy is preferable to raising taxes a little bit on the richest Americans to help stabilize the U.S. economy.
- Spending taxpayer money to help the poor and elderly is bad, but spending taxpayer money on subsidies for mega-profitable industries that don’t need them is good.
- "All men are created equal" means all men. Except the gay ones.
- "Our #1 priority is jobs jobs jobs" means "Our #1 priority is anything but jobs jobs jobs."
- The fact that voter fraud is not a problem means voter fraud is a huge problem.
- The fact that climate change and oil dependence are huge problems means climate change and oil dependence are not problems.
- George Bush wasn't president for eight years---we went straight from America-destroyer Bill Clinton to America-destroyer Barack Obama.
- If Republicans in the House and Senate vote to end Medicare in favor of health care by coupons, and it turns out to be a blunder of epic proportions, it never happened.
- Rupert Murdoch is the de facto Minister of Information
- Talk of secession is taken seriously.
- Everything you need to know about science is in the Bible.
- Suffering builds character, which is why we need more of it.
- The prime directive is the destruction of one citizen---the guy in the White House---even if it comes at the expense of the other 311,747,129 citizens.
Sometimes I need to remind myself, since otherwise they're such sweeties.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Note: If Sarah Palin enters the GOP race this month, will the big August 13 poll in Ames, Iowa be able to to convert to bendy straws in time? Our panel of experts weighs in. Plus sports, weather, why there's a giant gaping hole where South Dakota used to be, and lottery numbers tonight on Eyewitness News at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Round 1 of the Btitish Open at the Royal St. George's Golf Club: 2
Days `til the Western Maine BBQ Festival in Fryeburg: 11
Average U.S. credit score (out of a possible 850) as of May: 696
The last time the average score was that high: 2007
(Source: Bloomberg News)
Rank of the Portland, Maine area among U.S. regions with the highest expected third-quarter hiring: #2
Percent of firms nationwide who are expecting to hire more people or cut staff, respectively: 20%, 8%
(Source: ManPowerGroup survey)
Portion of commercial pilots who live 750 miles or more from the airport from which they fly: 1-in-5
(Source: AP)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
McCain is a fool
---Commenter "Aesthete" at RedState
All together now: 1…2…3… Agreed!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Aftermath of a great fall in Derby, Kansas---all the king's horses and all the king's men put Humpty Doggie together again.
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JEERS to Kabuki Theatre. Even though the signature-gathering was completed long ago, there's still one more hurdle before six Republican state senators in Wisconsin can be booted via a recall election: today's primaries will pit real Democrats against fake ones planted by the GOP for no reason other than to delay the inevitable. File this under "Hacktacular":
The candidates range from a GOP activist in his 20s, to a former Republican state representative who is in his 80s. Also, it turns out the whole scheme will cost local governments throughout the state over $400,000. Predictably, this has led to some low-level shenanigans, such as a flyer urging conservatives to vote in a Democratic primary for the fake Democrat.
If you're in Wisconsin, don’t forget to vote! And take a few thousand of your closest friends with ya.
P.S. Also today, voters in southern California go to the polls to pick a successor to outgoing Rep. Jane Harman. In a cruel twist, Democratic candidate Janice Hahn's mother died yesterday. We offer our condolences and our hope that the 36th District wins one for Mom.
CHEERS to friends dropping in. International Space Station, Sunday, 11:07am Outer Space Time:
[Ding Dong!]
"Who is it?"
"Shuttle!"
"Shuttle who?"
"Shuttle yer pie hole and let us in!"
After drawing straws to see who got to use the toilet first, the crew of 'Atlantis' got down to work. Among other duties, yesterday they opened up the hatch to the Raffaello logistics module. After inspecting the contents, they all greed that the chili needed to simmer for another hour.
JEERS to fun and games. Yesterday President Obama moved further to the right than John Boehner in a classic bit of triangulation. Speaking only for myself, I refused to take the bait---he wants me to stomp around and get red-faced, but…sorry. What Obama's doing is floating a trial balloon. It's a test drone. A practice swing. A smokescreen. A fake-out. A red herring. A shell game. In other words: politics. And it's all steamrolling toward July 22---the date by which Congress has to know what its "deal" will look like. Until then, all we're gonna get is more confusion, lines in the sand and toe-curling frustration, culminating in some late-night "breakthrough" that will leave the live-bloggers with blistered fingers. In the end, something small and can-kickish, with plenty for everyone to dislike, will come out of it, I expect. The biggest tell, which few people seem to be noticing: Big Business---our corporate overlords---don't seem to be in a panic over the brinksmanship. Lord help any politician who dares to forget our nation's real motto: "If CEOs ain't happy, ain't nobody happy."
JEERS to a really silly way to go. 207 years ago today, Treasury Secretary, Founding Father and Boy Wonder Alexander Hamilton died after getting knocked off in a duel in Weehawken, New Jersey, directly across from Manhattan. Today we don’t have duels anymore because they're a highly uncouth and uncivilized way to settle disagreements. (But don’t say that too loud or the teabaggers will get ideas.)
P.S. I still believe this Hamilton/Burr-themed milk commercial contains one of the all-time best set-ups for a joke. Bwahvo.
CHEERS to sum' sum' summertime. A good time was had by all over the weekend at our New England Kossack meetup in Norway, Maine. The rubber ducky brigade at---thank you, thank you---host Mayim's summer cottage included Vacationland, Debbie in ME, Ed Tracey, Simple, StateOfGrace (visiting from the midwest), commonmass, Common Sense Mainer, and yours truly. Among the memorable moments: watching a pair of loons diving for fishy critters. (At first I thought they were ducks, but then I noticed the "Keep Your Government Hands Off My Medicare" bumper stickers on their asses. Definitely loons.) Anyway---wonderful time. Next meetup is Saturday, July 30 at the Chef's Table in Portsmouth, New Hampshire from 1 to 4. We have about ten people attending so far, and if you'd like to join us, RSVP to Michael at Cuckolds04103 [at] gmail.com. If you come by helicopter, there's free parking on the roof. I think. Give it a whirl and see what happens.
CHEERS to pleasant distractions. 51 years ago today, in 1960, the first Etch-A-Sketch went on sale. The cool thing about it is, if kids don’t like what's written on it, they can just erase it and start over. Conservative adults have their own version of the Etch-A-Sketch. It's called Wikipedia.
CHEERS to a man who knew his way around a one-room cabin in the woods. Happy birthday to Henry David Thoreau, born 194 years ago today. He told the world to "Simplify! Simplify!" (Unfortunately that lesson was lost on whoever designed the official flowchart for Afghanistan.) His writings on civil disobedience (peaceful, not that right-wing "Second Amendment Remedies" crap) influenced many, including Martin Luther King, Jr., who wrote in his autobiography:
I became convinced that noncooperation with evil is as much a moral obligation as is cooperation with good. No other person has been more eloquent and passionate in getting this idea across than Henry David Thoreau. As a result of his writings and personal witness, we are the heirs of a legacy of creative protest. The teachings of Thoreau came alive in our civil rights movement; indeed, they are more alive than ever before. Whether expressed in a sit-in at lunch counters, a freedom ride into Mississippi, a peaceful protest in Albany, Georgia, a bus boycott in Montgomery, Alabama, these are outgrowths of Thoreau's insistence that evil must be resisted and that no moral man can patiently adjust to injustice.
By the way, if you're looking to buy the perfect housewarming gift for a Walden lover, trust me: you can't go wrong with a Thoreau rug.
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Five years ago in C&J: July 12, 2006
CHEERS to India. They certainly need 'em after bombs ripped through 7 trains yesterday in Bombay, killing 183 (probably higher) and injuring 714. No one is sure yet exactly who coordinated the attacks. Officials, working through the night to comb through the damage, suspect it was the work of dickheads.
JEERS to the other Tuesday massacre. In Iraq, bombs killed 60 people yesterday, including one that went off across the street from the frickin' Green Zone. Thank God Don Rumsfeld was available to make a surprise trip there to visit his self-described "Army you have, not the Army you might want or wish to have at a later time." He's so cuddly.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to Americans who make Americans proud. Like Jackie Kennedy, Betty Ford was First Lady for a mere two and a half years, and like Jackie she made an indelible impression during her short time there. Even though First Ladies have no official power, they can wield enormous influence in their own way. Of course, Betty's best-known crusades were on behalf of those battling breast cancer and substance abuse. But let's also not forget how she bucked her party's stuffy, stodgy standards and let 'er rip:
According to Mrs. Ford, her young adult children probably had smoked marijuana--and if she were their age, she'd try it, too. She told "60 Minutes" she wouldn't be surprised to learn that her youngest, 18-year-old Susan, was in a sexual relationship (an embarrassed Susan issued a denial). She mused that living together before marriage might be wise, thought women should be drafted into the military if men were, and spoke up unapologetically for abortion rights, taking a position contrary to the president's. "Having babies is a blessing, not a duty," Mrs. Ford said.
No wonder I liked her so much---she was a hippie.
Have a nice Tuesday. Oh, and a quick message for Ghaddafi: Gilbert and Sullivan called---they'd like their schtick back. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"I'm actually allergic to Cheers and Jeers, but the more time one spends in it the less allergic you become."
---Mrs. Prince William
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