From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
Peas Go In...Late Night Snark Comes Out:
"Congress is pledging to work around the clock until they’re absolutely certain they will get nothing done."
---David Letterman
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"One of Murdoch's tabloids was hacking people's phones and listening to their voicemails. Victims said their iPhones were so messed up that they were actually working."
---Craig Ferguson
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Michele Bachmann clip: The president doesn’t want to be confronted with priorities in spending, because he has a lot of "Choot-spa"
Jon Stewart: Y'know, I got a feeling saying the word "choot-spa" is gonna hurt more grandmothers than Obama cutting off their Social Security.
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"I just read that George W. Bush is getting his own limited-edition baseball card. You can tell it’s Bush’s card because eight years after you buy it, its value decreases $14 trillion."
---Jimmy Fallon
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"In Arizona they had a dust storm that was two miles high and 15 miles wide. It looked like something out of a movie. Visibility in Arizona, they said, was so bad that police were hassling white people."
---Bill Maher
And four years ago:
"Sixty eight percent of Republicans don't believe in evolution. On the other hand, only five percent of monkeys believe in Republicans."
---Stephen Colbert
Oh, and as of this evening, Bachmann's minions haven't swarmed into Wikipedia yet to change the pronunciation of chutzpah. She must be so disappointed in them. I know I am.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, July 15, 2011
Note: The next New England Kossack meetup is Saturday, July 30 at the Chef's Table in Portsmouth, New Hampshire from 1 to 4. We have about ten people attending so far, and if you'd like to join us, please RSVP to my better half, Michael, at Cuckolds04103 [at] gmail.com. Shoes and shirt required but civilized behavior is optional. And if you're traveling from Berkeley, give yourself an extra 20 minutes for the bus transfer in Omaha.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 2012 election: 480
Days `til the Ohio State Fair: 12
Rank of China, Germany, the U.S. and Italy among top spenders on green energy projects in 2010: #1, #2, #3, #4
(Source: U.N. Environment Programme via USA Today)
Percent of Americans who believe the U.S. stands above all other countries: 38%
(Source: Pew Research via The Week)
Average number of times we blink per minute: 25
Number of muscles you use every time you take a step forward: 54
(Source: I dunno…some web site)
Number of eggs in a dozen: 27
(Source: The Heritage Foundation)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Wheeeeee
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CHEERS to blinking in order to make the non-blinkers blink, too. So Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton proved to be the adult in the room by getting the state government open for business again. He says he'll agree to Republican demands to stop picking on the poor, poor rich people if they'll agree to his demands to knock off all the social-issue bullcrap and focus resources (including money) on jobs jobs jobs:
Dayton's move means the deepest cuts in services will be averted, but it abandoned his campaign goal of balancing the budget by raising taxes on high earners.
He will also be able to claim credit for preserving thousands of state jobs by forcing Republicans to drop a proposed 15 percent reduction in state workers and for a $500 million bonding proposal that will kick-start private sector jobs. Dayton further got Republicans to eliminate controversial social policies [i.e. voter suppression, chipping away at abortion services] from spending bills.
As an added plus, Dayton gets credit for restoring the flow of beer. Good thing, because, despite the compromise, it's gonna take a lot of liquor to swallow it.
P.S. Speaking of Minnesota, send your get-well-soon vibes to Rep. Keith Ellison, who injured his knee this week and required surgery. Apparently he forgot that some of his GOP House colleagues wear titanium crotch plates.
JEERS to the Summer of Love Lunacy. I can't tell you how the debt ceiling negotiations are going. I simply can't. Mainly because it's devolved into a series of grunts in a caveman language that hasn't twanged humankind's eardrums since…oh, since well before you were born. But I can tell you that China weighed in, and the message they sent is crystal clear no matter what language you speak:
[Tut….]
I believe a deal will be forthcoming. Because you don’t wanna know what happens when they drop the other tut.
CHEERS to pleasant foreign-relations surprises. And SPEAKING of China... Forty years ago today, on July 15, 1971, President Nixon caused a stir when he announced he was leavin' on a jet plane to visit China wearing nothing but argyle socks and a cape. His mission: "To find the golden bedpan of the Yangtze and use it to smite my enemies." Fortunately Pat was there to postpone the trip until he sobered up.
DRIP DRIP DRIP…GUSH!!! to Rupert Murdoch's no-good, horrible, very bad week. Who'da thunk it could ever happen? In a span of five days, Murdoch a) was forced to scrap his All-I-Want-For-Christmas-Is-BSkyB-Media deal, b) saw the investigation of his employees' sleazy/illegal information-gathering tactics spread to the U.S., c) accepted the resignation of the publisher of The Wall Street Journal and d) had to put beloved News Corp chief executive Rebekah Brooks on an ice floe and wave cheerio after weeks of insisting he would "nevah evah surrendah mah Bekah." Of course, you probably didn’t hear about it on Murdoch-owned Fox News, which found the planet-encompassing story no big deal. Next week they'll unveil their new slogan: "We report…no, we really don’t."
CHEERS to 20/20 foresight. On July 15, 1948, President Harry Truman accepted the nomination for another term at the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia with these prescient words: "We are now the defenders of the stronghold of democracy and of equal opportunity---the haven of the ordinary people of this land and not of the favored classes or the powerful few." Well, it was nice while it lasted.
JEERS to mega-sore losers (with apologies to ordinary sore losers, who will no doubt be offended by the comparison). My god, what kind of acid do you have to have in your veins to write and release this:
National Republican Congressional Committee Communications Director Paul Lindsay today made the following statement in response to the special election results in California's 36th Congressional District:
"Janice Hahn is now Nancy Pelosi's problem. Between her pattern of unethical behavior and close ties to LA's most dangerous gang members, Hahn is adding to the pollution in the swamp of Washington corruption built by Nancy Pelosi's Democrats."
And in other news: Republican House Oversight Committee Chairman Darrell Issa discovers a pattern of unethical behavior by Republicans and close ties between Republican FCIC commission members and unauthorized outside interest groups, adding to the pollution in the swamp of Washington corruption built by Paul Lindsay's Republicans. Shocking.
JEERS to Vatican vitriol. 806 years ago today, on July 15, 1205, Pope Innocent III decreed that Jews would be doomed to perpetual servitude and subjugation because they killed Jesus. His pronouncement was immediately followed by: "Ow! Who threw that?!!"
CHEERS to home vegetation. Los Angeles is closing a ten-mile stretch of the 405 this weekend ("Carmageddon!"), and officials are urging the entire nation to stay home and watch TV instead. Who are we to argue? I mean, they're officials! Anyway, here's some stuff that'll be on besides the 2011 World Series-winning Red Sox: on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher talks with comedian Marc Maron, Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban, The Atlantic's Chrystia Freeman, Dan "It Gets Better" Savage and nutrition researcher Dr. T. Colin Campbell. New DVD releases include Rango, The Lincoln Lawyer, and Star Wars: Robot Chicken III (Harry's list is here). The 924th British Open continues at St. George's Mashie Niblick Linkydoos. (Poor Phil Mickelson---yesterday it took him six strokes to make it through the windmill.) Friday Night Lights ends its run tonight on NBC, and the new season of Breaking Bad debuts Sunday on AMC. On 60 Minutes: Jaguars with lasers!!!
And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE "Eat Your Peas" Index (1 = This show will go down easy, 10 = Bring a barf bucket):
Meet the Press: White House Budget Director Jack Lew; Sens. Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Jim DeMint (R-Teabag); roundtable on jobs with Ohio Governor John Kasich (R-OH); Chairman and CEO of Honeywell, David Cote; Urban League president Marc Morial; Chief Economist for Mesirow Financial Diane Swonk; and CNBC’s David Faber. "Eat Your Peas" Index: Sorry, but Kasich and DeMint make this a steaming pile of 10
This Week: Dunno---their web site hasn't been updated. "Eat Your Peas" Index: if George Will is on, a 7
Face the Nation: Bob Schieffer hosts one Democratic Senator (Dick Durbin) and two Republican senators (Tom Coburn, Marco Rubio). Y'know, just to make it a fair fight. "Eat Your Peas" Index: 8
Washington Week: The whys and wherefores of Washington gridlock with Michael Duffy, Gloria Borger, John Dickerson and David Wessel. "Eat Your Peas" Index: 3
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Herman Cain; Rep. Chris van Hollen (D-MD), Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH); roundtable with Bill Kristol, Juan Williams, Liz Cheney and John Podesta. "Eat Your Peas" Index: 10
Bon appetit…and happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: July 15, 2006
JEERS to justice, Republican-style. More evidence that America is now governed by two branches, the Judicial and the Execulegislative: President Bush's illegal wiretapping activities will be forgiven as long as he agrees to obey the law when he feels like it. Sometimes. Maybe. Or, as Senator Patrick Leahy says, "He's saying, if you do every single thing I tell you to do, I'll do what I should have done anyway." Republican enabler Arlen Specter called the negotiations "Tortuous". Do these thugs know any other way?
CHEERS to going on the offensive against the offensive. Valerie Plame Wilson is suing Dick Cheney, Karl Rove and Scooter Libby for ruining her career, thus robbing her of matching 401k contributions and health insurance. Yeah, you and about 30 million other Americans. Back `o the line, lady.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to THE END. Bit of movie history being made today, as Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part II---the last in the series---rolls into theatres. Boffo reviews are piling up faster than Dobby's socks:
This movie is impressively staged, the dialogue is given proper weight and not hurried through, there are surprises which, in hindsight, seem fair enough, and "Harry Potter" now possesses an end that befits the most profitable series in movie history. (Roger Ebert)
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Fully justifying the decision, once thought purely mercenary, of splitting J.K. Rowling's final book into two parts, this is an exciting and, to put it mildly, massively eventful finale that will grip and greatly please anyone who has been at all a fan of the series up to now. (Hollywood reporter)
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The thrilling conclusion to a phenomenal cinematic story 10 years in the telling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows----Part 2 is proof that authentic movie excitement is its own form of magic. (Entertainment Weekly)
SPOILER ALERT!!! After cutting taxes for the wealthy, waging two wars "off the books," slashing retirement benefits and health care, emptying the treasury into the hands of the Death Eaters, cutting jobs by the millions and refusing to raise the debt ceiling, evil triumphs over good. Harry's final words: "Hello, and Thank You for Shopping at Volde-Mart."
Have a nice weekend, dammit---don’t let the fucking teabaggers ruin it for you. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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