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Republicans in congress have devised a final solution to the debt-ceiling crisis: All Americans earning under $500,000 a year will be evicted from the country on August 2nd.

"Face it," said Majority Leader Eric Cantor as he co-announced the solution with House Speaker John Boehner, "It's just like any business. If you can't pay your rent or your bills, you can't stay in your offices. We're just being reasonable business leaders here."

"America simply can't afford poor people any more," said Speaker Boehner. "It's been obvious for a long time now that people who can't pull in a mid-six figure salary just can't afford to live here. They don't belong. Real Americans are tired of shouldering the burden of the losers and the slackers. Those people will feel much better living someplace where they'll feel more at home. Maybe Bangladesh."

Fox News Channel has carried the story on all of its programming since the announcement, with every host and news reader enthusiastically chortling and laughing as they reported the great news. Sean Hannity even broke down in tears of joy, saying, "At last! I'll never have to look at those awful poor people again."

President Obama released an announcement calling the plan "A good one, that just needs a little tweaking." He offered compromise in any way the republican leadership asked him to, or in any way he could think of even if they didn't ask. Then he offered to proactively pack the clothes of everyone earning under $250,000 himself, saying, "I understand these people have to go, I just don't want to see them suffering unduly as they are shipped out of the country in railroad cattle cars. They should at least have decent luggage."

Eric Cantor stormed out of the Obama press conference, screaming shrilly about not being willing to raise taxes to buy luggage for those former residents unable to buy their own.

Fox News immediately began repotting on "Luggage Gate," with wall-to-wall coverage demanding to know why America should be paying for the luggage of former residents. President Obama immediately admitted he was willing to compromise and only buy luggage for people earning below the minimum wage. Or perhaps only people who were born on a Tuesday. He ended his comments by asking Speaker Boehner to please tell him what to think and say. President Obama looked compliant and timidly resolute as he made his comments.

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Comment Preferences

  •  Been There. It's Called "The Highland Clearances." (6+ / 0-)

    It's why I'm an American and not a Scot.

    After the last uprising in 1745 the Highland still-feudal clan chieftains came to see and/or were convinced that their people were not lucrative as either consumers or labor.

    So they got rid of almost all of them (us).

    There's no new world to send people these days, but the same conclusion came to America's owners decades ago. The bottom 90% of us now do only half the consumer spending; as for labor, everyone knows that labor from science and technology to manufacturing and clerical work is more lucratively done elsewhere.

    So what's happening is the transforming of us into a 3rd world society where most of the people become inconsequential to the nation and its mainstream economy.

    America just isn't all that into Americans any more.

    We are called to speak for the weak, for the voiceless, for victims of our nation and for those it calls enemy.... --ML King "Beyond Vietnam"

    by Gooserock on Sat Jul 16, 2011 at 07:00:31 PM PDT

  •  Like all the best satire, it's exaggerated (1+ / 0-)
    Recommended by:
    Rogneid

    by about half a gnat's whisker.

    I think it's pretty funny - thanks!

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