In a surprise and stunning evening turn-about, President Obama has withdrawn this morning’s nomination of Richard Cordray to head the leaderless Financial Consumer Protection Bureau. In Mr. Cordray’s place, the President has nominated Paul Allen, disgraced and convicted CEO of mortgage lender Taylor, Bean & Whittaker.
When asked why Mr. Allen received the nod, Mr. Obama said, “Why not? Dick’s nomination was as dead as Lizzie’s. Plus, Paul was the mastermind of one of the largest private financial scams in history, so I believe he’ll bring folks together on both sides of the aisle.” Paul will not only reach across the aisle but literally snatch your wallet and watch, then pawn them before you know they’re missing. He’s a Republican’s Republican."
Consumer protection groups and Democratic lawmakers had hoped Mr. Obama would nominate Elizabeth Warren to the post she created, but White House officials became uneasy when they discovered Ms Warren actually intended to carry out the duties of the job. Additionally, all forty-four Republican Senators vowed to defeat her nomination claiming she had made unflattering remarks about crooked bankers and hurt a few feelings. PMorgan Chase's CEO Jamie Dimon has purportedly locked himself in his room until the names of all potential candidates for the post are dropped.
According to unnamed White House sources, Mr. Obama passed over Ms Warren in favor of the "more mainstream" Richard Cordray, but within seconds, all forty-four Republican Senators vowed to defeat his nomination claiming Cordray might make unflattering remarks about crooked bankers. Apparently, that’s when Paul Allen received the call from the President. Allen was not available for comment due to a prior 40-month commitment at an undisclosed Federal minimum-security prison.
The President appeared upbeat and confident the Senate would neither pass nor reject Mr. Allen’s nomination. “Hey, a non-rejection is a start,” claimed Mr. Obama. “Paul will be busy hammering license plates until 2015, so I’m pretty sure we can do our part and hammer out any remaining issues in that time frame. We all had to give up something to make this happen. The American people need a financial protection bureau, and who knows fraud better than a prominent white-collar criminal?”
In other news, the White House is rumored to have quietly forwarded the name of Robert Bork to Republican Senate leaders in the event the President should be required to nominate his third candidate to the Supreme Court. Mr. Bork was soundly rejected in his last attempt to ascend to the high court, but prominent Democrats acknowledged that a Bork nomination would have little problem sailing past the current crop of dolts in the Senate. Commenting on the Bork rumor, Senator Rand Paul, KY said, "Judge Bork is better than some, but he's still no Roger Taney.”