So I have read, how some current GOP Presidential candidate's, have said they are running because GOD told them too or they received the call from GOD to run.
But none of the articles or blogs had put in the extra work and asked GOD for his (or her) side of the story. Well, until now. (By the way, you would not believe how easy it was to get in touch with him.)
Below is the unedited transcript of my interview with GOD.
ME: So first, let me tell you up front, this is my first interview.
GOD: I KNOW.
(Just a production note, GOD has a very deep voice, thus the capitalization.) :)
ME: Yes. Of course. As you know, recent articles, from various sources, are reporting that, you, GOD, is speaking to certain GOP presidential hopefuls. In fact, some even reported that you are speaking to possible future and in a few cases, some past candidates.
GOD: OK.
ME: So the reports are true?
GOD: NOT ENTIRELY.
ME: How about I say a name and you tell me yes or no and the why?
GOD: THAT WILL WORK.
ME: Herman Cain?
GOD: YES. IT WAS EITHER ASK HIM TO RUN FOR PRESIDENT OR HE WAS GOING TO RECORD ANOTHER GOSPEL CD. BESIDES, SINCE HE HAS BEEN RUNNING, THE PIZZA QUALITY IS WAY UP.
ME: I see your point. How about Michele Bachmann?
GOD: YES AND NO. SHE WAS A TOUGH CASE, SHE WOULD NOT ANSWER ME AT FIRST, NOT DIRECTLY, THAT IS. SHE KEPT ON REPEATING HOW SHE AND HER HUSBAND WERE PROUD TO BE JOB CREATORS, YADA, YADA, YADA. FINALLY, WHEN I WAS CONDUCTING A COUNSELING SESSION, ON HER HUSBAND, I TOLD HIM WHO I WAS AND ASKED HIM TO TELL HER THAT I CHANGED MY MIND AND I DON'T WANT HER TO RUN. I ALSO TOLD THEM NOT TO DANCE IN PUBLIC ANYMORE. DAMN FREE WILL.
ME: Really.
GOD: DON'T WORRY, I KNOW SHE'S CRAZY.
ME: Sarah Palin?
GOD: NOPE. I LEARNED MY LESSON WHEN I CALLED HER TO RUN FOR VP. I KNOW, I KNOW, WHAT WAS I THINKING? ALL I CAN TELL YOU IS, I WAS UNDER TREMENDOUS STRESS BECAUSE MY 401K HAD LOST HALF IT'S VALUE. I SENT KATIE DOWN TO HANDLE HER. IT WORKED OUT IN THE END.
ME: And Rick Perry?
GOD: SECESSION, YES. PRESIDENT, NO. NOT AFTER I SCREWED THE POOCH WITH W.
ME: So you did call George W. Bush?
GOD: YES. BUT LET ME EXPLAIN. IT STARTED OUT AS A PRACTICAL JOKE. I WAS BORED ONE WEEKEND, HAD A LITTLE TO MUCH TO DRINK. ANYWAY, I HAD IT ALL SET UP FOR HIM TO LOOSE, YOU KNOW, A REAL CLOSE RACE, JUST SO I COULD FUCK WITH HIM RIGHT UP TILL THE END. SO RIGHT BEFORE THE FINAL RESULTS COME IN, I GET A CALL AND I HAVE TO GO TAKE CARE OF SOME BUSINESS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE UNIVERSE. SO I TELL THAT BASTARD, CHENEY, SO HE CAN LET HIS BOY DOWN GENTLY. A FEW WEEKS LATER, I GET BACK INTO TOWN, I FIND OUT THAT, CHENEY, HAD DICK-ED ME! YOU KNOW, HE REALLY IS THE DEVIL. SWEAR TO ME.
ME: One final one, Ronald Reagan?
GOD: GUILTY! LONG STORY, SHORT. I WANTED CHARLESTON HESTON BUT HIS AGENT, SWIFTY, WAS BREAKING MY STONES, PLAYING HARDBALL, WANTING 10 POINTS OF THE BACK END. SO I TOLD HIM TO GO FUCK HIMSELF, AND I CALLED REAGAN.....TRUE STORY.
ME: Well, I just want to thank you for talking to me.
GOD: ANYTIME.