As part of Hydrant’s continuing efforts to go where no person without personal protective equipment has gone before, we are delving into the mind of a typical Tea Party member to study the peculiar synaptic activity that passes for “thought”.
As any Tea Party Patriot can tell you, there’s only one decent country in the world, so it’s kind of pointless to waste time getting involved with the rest of them. This may explain why most of these folks couldn’t find Iraq or Afghanistan or Libya (or Canada) on a map. They couldn’t tell you much about their geography, climate, history, exports, language, or culture. Really, though, none of that matters. We’ve got plenty of issues right here in the US of A that need their undivided attention, like running our economy off a freaking cliff and destroying our way of life so they can rid of one person that they hate.
So, if you’re feeling brave, follow along below the squashed Mercator projection for our exclusive Hydrant interview with an actual Tea Party Patriot as we explore the perils of globalization.
Immigration: You [Don’t] Have to Be Carefully Taught
You want jobs? Tell you what: you come on down to our border and help build us that damn fence. We got enough problems right now without immigrants coming in and taking away our jobs and not paying any… um. Never mind. We need to go back to looking “American”. The last thing the country needs is people from foreign countries coming here and trying to live like us. I mean, it’s called the “American” dream, not the Mexican dream, right?
Foreign Aid: Take the Money and Run? Um, no.
And here’s another thing: sending money to foreign countries! That money belongs to us, not some corrupt leader in Whereverthef***istan that’s gonna spend it on weapons or drugs or palaces to stash his 72 virgins. Let those people fend for themselves: that’s the American way. Earthquake? Tsunami? Famine? Pandemic? Sorry, but it's not our problem. Also: did you think maybe those people pissed off their God and now it’s payback? Yeah. It might be part of Sharia law, even.
Environment: Deny Globally, Burn American Coal Locally
Are you kidding me? Global warming? So a bunch of “scientists” are worried that the earth is getting hotter, glaciers are melting, and sea level is rising. Well, I got news for you: animals can swim, and if people don’t like it, they can move to some other place. If God didn’t want us to burn coal and oil, why would he have given us so much of it, right here where we need it?
Foreign Intervention: Make War, Not Love
Do I support the troops? What the hell kind of question is that? Didn’t you didn’t see my truck? My nephew’s over there on his fifth tour of duty. Hell of a kid. You gotta show these socialist Islamo-fascist nutcases who’s the boss. They’re livin’ in caves and planning all kinds of ways to kill our people. You know what I say? I say “bring it on!”. This is the US of A, and we do not take any crap from anybody. We are the number one country in the world and we better act like it.
Trade: Look for the Walmart Label
You can’t trust other countries; they’re out to screw us. Also, when the president and a bunch of his idiot government officials fly off someplace on the other side of the world, it’s costing us literally hundreds of millions of tax payer dollars a day! So no matter what they do for a deal, we’re already losing money. Here’s the answer: you make stuff here, and you tell people buy American. Problem solved. Sorry, gotta run and grab some stuff on sale at Walmart. Gotta stretch that Social Security check. Catch you later.