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Gravity.  That's the only word to describe yesterday's news.  This issue was bursting at the seams and in the end the S&P had no choice but to get it off their chest.  The country had watched for weeks in awe as layer after layer of debate was stripped down, leaving the exposed flesh of the American political system strewn across the newspapers of the world.  And then it happened...

Standard & Poor's downgraded the bra size of the United States from D Cup to Tea Cup.

Many feared it was inevitable.  The far-right Tea Party had long urged the U.S. to consider a reduction, complaining that for years the country had carried extra weight, exposing itself publicly to long-term ails.  One Tea Party politician, Scott Mound of Massachusetts, ripped a page out of the progressive playbook, claiming that "without a reduction, we'll just be balancing this thing on the lower backs of the poor."  

The D's, however, countered that a reduction was not a complete solution and that implanting more investment would be crucial to the health of the nation.  A well-rounded approach was needed, they said, tit for tat.

"We've tried to compromise," one White Blouse spokesman told reporters in the final days of the debate.  "We've delivered added support from the bottom up and padded this plan from the top down.  The Republicans need to stop trying to milk this thing for all it's worth."

Once the downgrade was announced, the question quickly became, "how big of a deal is a U.S. bra size downgrade, anyway?" Naturally, leading financial voices jumped at the chance to shape the discussion.

"The markets tend to have a short-term mammary," a top Organ Stanley official remarked.  "When life gives you melons, make melonade."

In lockstep, high-ranking advisers at rival Goldman Sags echoed this assertion, issuing a statement that claimed "U.S. bra size will perk back up by the next election" and that "the nation will get over these humps."

But not everyone has been able to take such a firm stance.  Popular columnist Paul Jugman, who has been outspoken about a downgrade to Tea Cup resulting from a reduction from day one, wrote this morning that "this problem will undoubtedly balloon.  The government should be racked...with guilt."

Sadly, for the average American, determining who is right and who is wrong is no simple task.  Media pundits like Milf Blitzer, Cans Coulter, Brit Huge, and Donna Brazier offer wildly conflicting interpretations of the economic landscape, creating an environment where only one thing is truly certain: we'll all be glued to the boob tube until the last drop.

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