From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
What A Load 'O Bulwer!
It's one of the highlights of my year: curling up on a dark and stormy night with the latest winners chosen by the English Department at San Jose State University in the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest. Screw politics for a few seconds and behold a bit of beautiful badness:
The grisly scene before him was like nothing Detective Smith had ever seen before, but there were millions and millions of things he had never seen before, and he couldn't help but wonder which of them it was.
---Sean Griffin, Tacoma (Dishonorable Mention, Misc.)
Wearily approaching the murder scene of Jeannie and Quentin Rose and needing to determine if this was the handiwork of the Scented Strangler--who had a twisted affinity for spraying his victims with his signature raspberry cologne--or that of a copycat, burnt-out insomniac detective Sonny Kirkland was sure of one thing: he’d have to stop and smell the Roses.
---Mark Wisnewski, Flanders, NJ (Winner: Crime)
LaTrina—knowing he must live—let her hot, wet tongue slide slowly over Gladiator’s injured ear, the taste reminding her of the late June flavor of a snow chain that had been removed from a tire and left to rust on the garage floor without being rinsed off.
---Betsy Replogle, Nichols Hills, OK (Purple Prose---Dishonorable Mention)
Sunburned and lost, Jake tightened the noose around Randy’s diaper-white neck and growled, “Any last words, varmint?” to which Randy replied, “Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb, Jake--that’s where all the fruit is!” which marked the first and last time Jake and the boys hired a life coach to lead one of their cattle drives.
---Lisa Kluber, San Francisco (Runner-Up---Western)
After five years as freelance writer, Greg finally managed to double his income, letting him add a processed cheese product slice to the baloney sandwiches he had for breakfast, lunch and dinner.
---Lawrence Person, Austin, TX (Dishonorable Mention---Misc.)
Congrats to all the winners and their brilliant hackery.
Oh, and before I forget: ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! The early-bird registration price for the 2012 Netroots Nation convention (Providence, RI June 7-10) ends at the stroke of midnight (or thereabouts) tonight. To get the discount, Click here and choose the "Standard" option. OK? OK!
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, August 19, 2011
Note: Don’t forget to tune in to Daily Kos Radio tomorrow morning at 10am ET on Sirius/XM, hosted by David "Kagro X" Waldman and Armando "Armando X" Not-Waldman. (Due to a double-booking, I'll be joining them next Saturday instead of manana.) Guests include DemFromCT and Ed Kilgore of The Democratic Strategist. Not only can you listen to the pithy progressive debate and snark, you can join the party---they'll be taking your phone calls at 1-866-99-SIRIUS (1-866-997-4748), and your tweets to @DailyKosRadio. If you're not a subscriber, click here for a free 30-day trial. Daily Kos Radio is sponsored this week by Fried Butter On A Stick. "For All Your Fried Butter On A Stick Needs, You Can't Go Wrong With…Fried Butter On A Stick!"
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Pride Charlotte in North Carolina: 7
Days `til the Great Falls Balloon Festival in Lewiston, Maine: 0!!!
Number of congressmembers who gave up part of their 2010 salary for federal debt reduction: 3
Total amount they contributed: $15,223
(Source: Harper's Index)
Average July temperature in Oklahoma, the hottest month on record for any U.S. state in history: 88.9°
(Source: Weather guy in loud tie)
Minimum number of vehicles on the planet now: 1 billion
(Source: TPM)
Average number of words a dog can learn: 165
(Source: Parade)
New England Patriots 31 Tampa Bay Buccaneers 14
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Puppy Pic of the Day: One dog fart away from pandemonium…
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CHEERS to people with the bestest first name on the planet. Happy Birthday to the first "Rapscallion President" (if you don’t count Benjamin Harrison and his fondness for egging carriages from the White House roof), Bill Clinton. #42 turns a boyish---for ex-presidents, anyway---65 today. But don’t expect him to make it to his party on time. From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien:
On his inauguration day, Bill Clinton was twenty-seven minutes late for his customary courtesy call on the Bushes. It was a sign of things to come. He once kept Supreme Court Justice William Rehnquist waiting forty-five minutes and even showed up late for his formal greeting of the king of Spain.
I guess maybe that explains why the cake he hovered over today only had 64 candles on it. Enjoy your Social Security, sir---it'll carry ya through the rough patches.
P.S. Interesting contrast: Bill Clinton is a hugely-popular campaigner for Democrats, and is invited to speak everywhere on their behalf. The guy who followed him into the White House? He's lucky if he gets invited to make balloon animals at Amway conventions.
CHEERS to the biggest non-story of the day. Having concluded his midwest tour, during which he sharpened his rhetoric against Republicans, President Obama is now on vacation with his lovely family. He is also, as every president is, on call 24/7 in case of emergency. (Like, say, if Biden locks himself out of the house again.) So that means the chambers of the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches in Washington, D.C. are empty. In response, all the credit agencies upgraded their ratings to Hallefrickinlujah!
CHEERS to sunlight: the best disinfectant. We know this, sure, but it's good to see it laid out so scientifically. Behold the "tea party"---aka the kooky fringe of the Republican party:
They are overwhelmingly white, but even compared to other white Republicans, they had a low regard for immigrants and blacks long before Barack Obama was president, and they still do. More important, they were disproportionately social conservatives in 2006---opposing abortion, for example---and still are today. Next to being a Republican, the strongest predictor of being a Tea Party supporter today was a desire, back in 2006, to see religion play a prominent role in politics.
If you support the tea party, you support racists, bigots, hypocrites and Obey-Us-Or-You're-Going-To-Hell theo-zombies. And Americans are running away from them in droves because they now know that they're one ankle bite away from a life of lawn chairs, tri-corn hats and an insatiable desire to collect Anita Bryant records. The horror.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. The Committee Against Sexual Hypocrisy asks: Have you had sex with Rick Perry?
Recently?
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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CHEERS to do-gooders of yore. As part of his 'War on Poverty,' President Lyndon Johnson signed the Economic Opportunity Act 47 years ago tomorrow. It included funds for vocational training, loans to farmers and businessmen, establishment of a domestic version of the Peace Corps, and community action programs. Or, as modern-day Republicans call them: Ick, Blech, Yuck and Feh.
JEERS to hitting the trifecta of terrible. In case you missed it, here's a recap of what Tom Coburn---he of the civilized, toga-clad upper chamber of the United States government---offered to our public discourse this week (via TPM and CBS):
- Americans would be better off if we scrapped Medicare and went back to paying doctors with chickens and pies.
- Black people have it too good in this country.
- "I could while away the hours, abusing Senate powers, and having lots of fun. I could nix ACA and make my Dem'crat colleagues pay…if I only had a gun!"
And to think you're paying his salary. Shame on you.
JEERS to activist judges. On August 19, 1692, four innocent men and a woman were hanged on Gallows Hill for "practicing witchcraft" in Salem, Massachusetts. To this day Dick Cheney is outraged by what happened back then. He doesn’t think they were waterboarded nearly long enough.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If the TV beckons this weekend, here are some fine programming choices for your viewing pleasure. First, there's the 92 hours of stuff you've recorded but haven't got around to watching yet. You can watch the Red Sox dethrone the Royals and catch the start of the Little League World Series (on ESPN2). New DVD releases---and there's a bunch of 'em---include Robert Redford's tale of the aftermath of the Lincoln assassination, The Conspirator, plus John Carpenter's The Ward and the Criterion treatment of the Kubrick classic The Killing. Bill Clinton engages in ticker talk Sunday at 8 on CNN's "Dr. Sanjay Gupta Presents: The Last Heart Attack"
And here's your Sunday morning lineup, in which I’ll tell you exactly which guests nobody gives a shit about. Consider it a public service from me…to you:
Meet the Press: Do we still give a shit about Robert Gibbs? I forget; Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels talks, no doubt eloquently, about that awful roof collapse that killed five, and we certainly do give a shit about that; the roundtable includes E.J. Dionne and Maria Bartiromo, about whom we give a shit, and Peggy Noonan and Harold Ford, about whom we don't.
This Week: Jon Huntsman, the Republican presidential candidate about whom Republicans don't give a shit; David Axelrod; Roundtable with Donna Brazile, Frank Luntz, Jeff Zelany of The New York Times, Liz Claman of Fox Business (because apparently there's no one at ABC's business desk who could be bothered to park their butt in a chair for a few minutes---WTF???) and George Will. I like Donna, but the rest I don’t give a you-know-what about,
Face the Nation: I've figured it out! Every Sunday morning Cindy McCain drives her husband to a major Sunday morning news show, which baby-sits him for a few hours so she can have some "me time." This weekend it's FTN's turn to make sure the maverick takes his pills and makes it to the john in time. Every pundit in Punditland gives a shit about everything he says, but no one else does anymore. Also: former RNC and DNC chairs (respectively) Ed Gillespie and Terry McAuliffe---nobody really gives a shit about them, either, I 'spect.
The McLaughlin Group: How can anyone give a shit about a show that takes Pat Buchanan seriously enough to give him his own chair? Answer: they don't
Washington Week: The economy, with Jeff Zeleny of The New York Times, Karen Tumulty of The Washington Post, Alexis Simendinger of RealClearPolitics.com, and David Wessel of The Wall Street Journal. Honestly, I don't know if anyone gives a shit about them or not. But at least they'll talk smart.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rick Santorum reiterates the difference between napkins, paper towels and asshole former senators from Pennsylvania who are running for president (hint: the napkins and paper towels have more than two brain cells to rub together); Karl Rove; and former Obama communications poobah Bill Burton. Nobody gives a shit about anyone on this show, but the right-wingers enjoy having it on in the background as white noise.
Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: August 19, 2006
CHEERS to the Wizard of Wisconsin. Senator Russ Feingold celebrates the NSA ruling:
"Today's district court ruling is a strong rebuke of this administration's illegal wiretapping program. The President must return to the Constitution and follow the statutes passed by Congress. We all want our government to monitor suspected terrorists, but there is no reason for it to break the law to do so. The administration went too far with the NSA's warrantless wiretapping program. Today's federal court decision is an important step toward checking the President's power grab."
Score one for the good guys. [8/19/11 Update: Russ announced today that he's not running for office in 2012, but will focus on authoring, running his PAC, and teaching law. If there aren't three of his students on the Supreme Court within twenty years, I plan to write a sternly-worded letter.]
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the first frequent flyer. Today is Orville Wright's 140th birthday. He was the one at the controls in 1903 during the first heavier-than-air, machine-powered flight. The trip was uncomfortable, expensive, delayed for hours, and the only free snacks were the ones he brought on board himself. Thanks to advances in technology, today's passengers enjoy air travel that's uncomfortable, expensive, delayed for hours, and the only free snacks we get are the ones we bring ourselves. But...we can get up and go pee.
Have a dog-day kind of weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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