TRUE: There's a new product called "Abstinence Panties" that have sayings like "NOT TONIGHT" and "HANDS OFF". I don't think there's much abstinence if the MAN CAN READ WHAT'S ON HER PANTIES.
"Abstinence makes the heart grow fonder."
--Unknown
It started with Bush and should have ended when Obama came in: the war nobody talks about...what I call "The War On Sex". (See also "THE WAR ON WOMEN".)
They have sex education in our schools now that doesn’t have sex and doesn’t have education. A landmark study proves teens subjected to “abstinence education” have sex much more than other teens. The Bushies and some religious cult nuts blew over $1.5 billion of our tax dollars on this “war”. And President Obama gave them a half-mil buried in another bill.
This is what they “teach” our children:
Abortion leads to suicide.
Condoms don’t work.
You can get AIDS from tears and sweat.
Let’s review:
Number One: No. (Please See Note: "THE WAR ON WOMEN")
Number Two: Condoms work 96-99% of the time, and stop the spread of AIDS and STDs. But they tell the kids that they fail, that sperm leaks through the holes "in the sheepskin" --teacher, and they don’t give them out anymore in many schools, or teach them how to use them, like my comedienne friend the late great Jane Dornacker used to do in San Francisco schools, going into classrooms with condoms and a banana.
Number Three: They scare them with AIDS. They say: “YOU CAN GET AIDS FROM A MOSQUITO.” I say, if you’re dick’s small enough to fuck a mosquito, why live? (Joke carbon-dated at 1989) That's why they have to keep teaching our kids evolution so they'll know who they are supposed to mate with!
You can’t tell young people not to have sex. They already leave the house half-naked. There are 12-year old girls all over America dressing like hookers. They have the teased-up hair, the tropical fish makeup, eyebrows up to here, high-heeled shoes, ankle bracelets, half a shirt, stomach exposed (and when did stomachs become the new breasts?) and their pants “low-cut”, which means we see more than a gynecologist. What are the parents thinking? The whole style screams “Amber Alert”, doesn’t it? And the piercings and tattoos. Women now have what’s called a “coin slot”, which is showing the butt crack, with a tattoo above it. Why don’t they just put “ALL DELIVERIES IN REAR”?
I’ve seen young women’s pierced faces in San Francisco that are so covered, kissing them would be licking a tackle box. It would be like having sex with a fisherman’s hat. Or, maybe it’s a big turn-on for their lover—who am I to judge? Maybe that's why teens call sex a "hook-up"--they can't separate afterwards.
And the boys. Every white boy in America wants to look like a rapper. So their jeans are 30 sizes too big and they only come up to the knees. The boxer shorts come up to their nipples, their package is hanging out, big ass jacket hanging half-off, backwards baseball cap, and the shoelaces untied. They had that in school when I was a kid--they were the slow boys.
The right-wing fundamentalist evangelical jihadi snake-handling Christians come into the high schools and get couples to take a vow of chastity and exchange silver rings, promising not to have sex before marriage. However, in every poll of high-schoolers, they say that "oral and anal sex isn’t sex". (What is that--the “Clinton Rule”?) So there’s a lot of that. Oprah had a show about “Lipstick Parties” where high school boys sit around a living room getting oral sex from young women wearing different colored lipstick. That makes me furious. Where was that shit when I was in high school?
Yes, my friends, there is a War on Sex going on. These people want to make this a Puritan country…AGAIN. There are anti-sex laws on the books that are 150 years old and still enforced. They’re called “Sodomy Laws”, which I found out also means oral sex. Illegal, even between consenting adults in what used to be called the “privacy” of their own home. Even in the bedroom with the door locked. Even if the couple is MARRIED. And they do enforce these laws. But how? Are there SWAT teams of “Sex Police” that kick in the bedroom door shouting:
COP ONE: “Sex Police! Put the penis down, lady, DO IT! Okay, cuff him, Larry.”
COP TWO: ”He’s already handcuffed, Sarge.”
This law went to the Supreme Court after they broke into the bedroom of two gay men in Texas, and the law was abolished—there. But they are still on the books in 13 states. And I want to know: what states? Shouldn’t we get a color-coded map from AAA, in case we’re making travel plans?
HUSBAND: “Honey, see the state of Georgia, with the man’s face frowning and the red slash through it? We’re going around, we’re going around…”
This is what I tell people at every show I do: Sex is not “dirty”. It’s the stuff of poetry. It’s the reason for living. It’s the survival of the species. It’s in our DNA. This is true: I know because I saw it on the Discovery Channel. Male fetuses, before they’re born, have ten to 15 pre-natal erections. And all these years, you women have been touching your friend’s bellies and saying, “I feel him kicking!”
8:48 PM PT: NOTE: When I wrote this there were thousands of abstinence education programs in schools in America. I do not know how much of that is still taught under President Obama, but if creationism is now being "taught" anything can happen...