Symbolman and I have been hard at work creating a new book mAlice in Wonderland: A Tea Party Fable, and thought our DailyKos friends would enjoy another chapter excerpt. It's been a while since our first book, Going Rouge: The Sarah Palin Rogue Coloring & Activity Book, and we're hoping the wait was well worth the result! Follow us on Twitter at @Symbolman and @jsigwart. Enjoy! --Julie
[Alice Meets The Gryphon (Rush Limbaugh) & The Mock Turtle (John Boehner) - who perform the "Toss The Middle Class Quadrille" for her.]
*
Then the Queen of Hearts left off, quite out of breath, and said to Alice, 'Ain't you met the Mock Turtle yet?'
'No,' said Alice. 'I don't even know what a Mock Turtle is.'
'He's that crying guy in Congress,' said the Queen.
'Which one?,' said Alice.
'Well, ALL of 'em, once I decide to run for King,' the Queen winked. 'Come on, then,' said the Queen, 'if you can git him to stop cryin' for a spell, he'll be glad to tell you all about hisself.'
As they walked off together, Alice heard the King say in a proud voice to the company generally, 'Mr Gorbachev, Tear Down This Wall!' one more odd thing to say, to be sure, as there were no walls nearby to be found. The Media, puzzled at first, as to whether to run expert pundits commenting on a wall wanting construction between Arizona and Brazil and how chunks of the long demolished East-West German Wall were still in high demand on Ebay, or how the Great Wall of China is visible from space, but in the end all agreed to split the difference and broadcast video of a small frightened deer dashing about with a traffic cone lodged upon its head, which always made the Queen laugh.
'I wonder why the Media never questions why the Queen's family has no pets!' Alice said to herself, for she felt quite unhappy at the number of animals reported to have suffered death and mutilation at the hands of the Queen, but not much surprised at the number of executions She had ordered.
They very soon came upon a grossly obese Gryphon, nearly unconscious in the sun, yet sleepily puffing a cigar, dreaming those dreams only narcotic addicts are assured, surrounded by slaves waving fans to cool him, wearing shirts with the word "DITTO" emblazoned upon their front. (IF you don't know what a Gryphon is, or how fat or stupid they can get, look at the picture.) 'Up, lazy thing! You should be promotin' ME! Yeah, yeah, Ya may be that angry Voice of the GOP, but you ain't Nowhere near enough Tea Party Mad!' grated the Queen, as she gingerly crunched about the trail of viagra pills leading back to his gold plated limousine idling nearby, 'And take this dummy to see that Mock Turtle guy, and hear his whinin' on how he's gotta Speak for both them Old School republicans, and my Tea Party House Freshmen, who I threatened with primaries when they was thinking' of not Cappin' and Tradin' on that debt ceiling bill, don'cha know. I gotta go back and make sure that Idiot King ain't talkin' to MY media!'; so she was off, mugging for cameras, wildly pageant walking as she went, leaving Alice alone with the Gryphon.
Alice did not quite like the look of the creature, cobbled together much as a Frankenstein monster, a mishmash of right wing talking points, none making any sense whatsoever heard on their own, for lack of merit, but sustainable as a whole if for no other reason than constant repetition by his corporate media echo chamber. As a female she thought it would be quite as safe to stay with this dazed creature as to go after that savage Queen: so she waited.
The Gryphon belched, sat up, rubbed its eyes and fat belly, and chased off the fans, hurling insults at them as they fled, which they loved: then watched the Queen till she was out of sight: after which it chuckled as it scratched its rear and gobbled a handful of pills. 'That ONE. Friends, that one can bite me!' said the Gryphon, half to itself, half to Alice.
'Bite you? Oh dear! Has she bitten anyone yet?' said Alice.
'A matter of time. Why, SHE'S no better than your average liberal Feminazi,' said the Gryphon. 'It's all her fancy talkin' and walkin', you know. Come on, I've got to talk the Mock Turtle down off the ledge again! Idiot never listens either, more like that lowest form of life on the planet, a Woman. If only he was deaf, dumb and blind, and owned a liquor store, with a flat head I could set my beer on.' He chuckled again, 'old joke.' Alice wondered if he wasn't the sort that made for the worst kind of comedian there is, one that always, and only, laughs at his own jokes.
'Everybody says "come on!" here,' thought Alice, as she went slowly after the lumbering, panting Gryphon: 'I never was so ordered about in all my life, never!'
They had not gone far before they saw the Mock Turtle in the distance, a deeply freakish shade of orange, more orange than the orangish pumpkin she have ever seen in her life, sitting sad and lonely on a little ledge of rock, and, as they came nearer, Alice could hear him sighing as if his heart would break. She pitied him deeply. 'What is his sorrow?' she asked the Gryphon, and the Gryphon snorted, 'It's all for show, that: when it comes to his sorrow, there's no there THERE, if you catch my drift. Come on!'
So they went up to the Mock Turtle, who looked at them with large eyes full of tears, clutching a gavel so large that it might have stolen from a circus clown with serious masculinity issues, but said nothing. He was surrounded by dozens of empty bottles of cheap scotch, each more dry than the other.
'The Queen wants you to tell her your history,' said the Gryphon, 'and whatever you can't remember, just make up, she'll never know the difference. And dear god, just knock it off with the waterworks, frankly, it's creeping everyone out, I can't keep making excuses for it.'
'I'll tell it her,' said the Mock Turtle with a strange emotionless burp-talking voice so very much at odds with the voluminous tears: 'sit down, both of you, and don't speak a word till I've finished.'
So they sat down, and nobody spoke for some minutes, which was quite a feat for the Gryphon, as he is quite known for never NOT talking. Alice thought to herself, 'I don't see how he can EVEN finish, if he doesn't begin. But as a Republican lawmaker I suppose that would be considered normal.' But she waited patiently.
'Once,' said the Mock Turtle at last, with a deep sigh, 'I was a real lawmaker.'
These words were followed by a very long silence, broken only by an occasional exclamation of 'Bull!' or 'My friends, this or that--' from the Gryphon, and the constant heavy sobbing of the Mock Turtle, with tears rolling down his face that were nearly invisible against his orange skin, like rust on rust. Alice was very nearly getting up and saying, 'Thank you, sir, for your interesting story,' while at the same time wondering if played for a fool by the Mock Turtle holding her hostage with his refusal to even so much as speak, for he was obviously an alcoholic, and that is how they must survive. But she could not help thinking there had to be more to come, so she sat still and said nothing as the Mock Turtle took another gulp from his scotch.
'When we were House freshmen,' the Mock Turtle went on at last, more calmly, though still sobbing a little now and then, 'It was nothing like dealing with these Tea Party whelps, though they are useful idiots when playing old "good cop-bad cop" routine before the public. We were the Gang of Seven and The master was an old TurtleHead looking fellow--we used to call him Tom Delay--'
'Why did you call him Delay, because he taught you delay tactics?' Alice asked, 'Though to my thinking, that McConnell makes for a better turtle, but do go on.'
'We called him Delay because he taught us to Obstruct,' said the Mock Turtle angrily, stumbling and knocking over empty scotch bottles, sending shards into the sand: 'Really! What are you, some kind of Apologist, Compromiser?!'
'I'm an Independent, which I consider a compromise. Have you ever even tried to simply offer one?' Alice grew weary of the constant tears, his story just wasn't that interesting.
'You ought to be ashamed of yourself for interrupting this most important man, the very SPEAKER Of The House, --' added the Gryphon, 'My Friends! Compromise is Surrender!'; and then they both sat silent and looked at poor Alice, who felt ready to sink into the earth, if only to escape these bores. The Mock Turtle stopped weeping for a second and asked the Gryphon, 'Wait. Did you say "Impotent"?' The Gryphon said to the Mock Turtle, 'Probably. I never listen to myself. But no worries, I've got pills that will fix you up for that as well--' as he downed another pile himself, 'But look! Don't be all day about this! I've got a show later this afternoon, plus my maid's waiting in the parking lot.' And Mock Turtle went on in these words:
'Yes, I came from modest beginnings, a dozen brothers and sisters in a single bedroom, which meant my parents didn't believe in birth control, like me, though you mayn't believe it--'
'I never said I didn't!' interrupted Alice.
'You did, and I stand before you as proof that drunken sex without birth control works!,' cried the Mock Turtle all in a rage as tears flew.
'Hold your tongue!' added the Gryphon, before Alice could speak again, 'What are you, one of those Planned Parenthood thugs, just waiting for a chance to steal away with a uterus when no one's looking?!' Tears flowing, The Mock Turtle continued.
'Only I had the best of educations--in fact, I went to school every day, unlike my siblings who got left behind--'
'How could you leave them behind like that,' said Alice; 'doesn't seem something to be so proud of.'
'Ah, but I was one of the sponsors of the "No Child Left Behind" Act. I'm sure you've heard of that?' asked the Mock Turtle a little anxiously.
'Yes,' said Alice, 'oh, yes. The act that's destroying the educational system.'
'Certainly not!' said the Mock Turtle, 'It's the teacher's unions doing that, all those big paychecks! Just look at those school parking lots, they're all driving mercedes! Better just to dissolve the Department of Education and their unions, then hand out vouchers so poor children can attend any school they'd like.'
'But isn't that inherently Racist?!' said Alice indignantly, 'and most teachers I've seen at our school spend half of their meager paychecks on their own classes!'
Gryphon chimed in, 'Oh, an Obama Lover, eh?! Let me sing you a little song I wrote, "The Magic Negro"!'
'Please DO NOT. I don't think I could bear it.' Alice felt like crying herself, and thought, 'Oh Dear. They are rotted to the core with their racist outlook, and to think they want to institutionalize it.'
'Ah! But like those children, I myself attended the University of Adversity,' said the Mock Turtle smugly. 'And just look at me Now! Pulled myself up by my own bootstraps, and am the third in line to the Presidency.' He waved his clown hammer gavel absently, 'You See, Race doesn't matter, in the end, it's not the color of your skin, it's whether you're on the Inside or the Outside, looking IN.'
'Apparently you never learned the Art of Empathy, either,' said Alice; 'living in your solidly conservative Red state mental bubble.'
'I couldn't afford to learn it.' said the Mock Turtle with a sigh. 'I only took the regular course.'
'What was that?' inquired Alice.
'Screaming and Crying to get what you desire, and My-Way-Or-The-Highway, of course, to begin with,' the Mock Turtle replied; 'and then Media parlay, they're the fifth branch of the government you know, the corporate media lessons--Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.'
'I never heard of "Uglification,"' Alice ventured to say. 'What is it?'
The Gryphon's many chins flapped in surprise. 'What! Never heard of uglifying!' it exclaimed. 'Haven't you noticed how many blonde babes are news casters on FOX News? It's the first step to subliminally creating the message that others are inferior, and that your message IS therefore Superior. You know what to beautify is, I suppose?'
'Yes,' said Alice doubtfully: 'it means--to--make--anything--prettier. I guess to the detriment of others if that's your message, yet, you yourself are ugly, in more ways than one. All that hate you spew, that in the end reduces the public discourse to nothing but arguments.'
'The better to control the message, arguing about arguing IS the message, simpleton.' the Gryphon went on, 'That's why they keep me on radio. I DID have that gig on ESPN, but the NAACP screamed bloody murder over that I said about that black boy. My looks had nothing to do with it.' He appeared sad, but for only an instant, before taking another puff from his big cigar.
Alice did not feel encouraged to ask any more questions about how the Gryphon's hate radio was making the country sick, and his starkly racist views frankly made her ill at her stomach, so she turned to the Mock Turtle, and said 'What else had you to learn in Congress?'
'Well, there was The Mystery of Why the last President Spent All the Money And Now There is None Left,' the Mock Turtle replied, counting off the subjects on his flappers, '--Still very much a Mystery, at least to the Media, both ancient and modern, since we in the GOP refuse to believe that what we say or do even Exists in a historical sense, say, on YouTube or Google. There's "Luntzitizing" as in sanitizing messages, how else could we have sold with our "Contract With America"? - The Propaganda Campaign Whisperer Master was an old Bush Man, Lee Atwater, who used to come once a week: HE taught us UnEthics, MassAccusations, and Rudeism.'
'What was THAT like?' said Alice.
'Well, I can't show it you myself,' the Mock Turtle said: 'As Speaker I have to maintain the appearance that I'm above all that. But the Gryphon, well, that's his stock in trade.'
'I was doing all that before it was cool,' said the Gryphon: 'Later that little twerp the very White SuperPAC Rabbit began teaching dirty political tricks. Though I've got to say, friends, his using a candidate's letterhead to invite a bunch of street derelicts to get drunk at an opponents campaign function was sheer genius, and evil as hell. Gutsy.'
'I never went with him,' the Mock Turtle said with a sigh: 'though he DID install as President one of the most reviled to ever squat in the White House, you have to hand him that.'
'So he did, so he did,' said the Gryphon, blowing cigar smoke in Alice's face; and both creatures teared up a bit, missing their glory days she supposed, yet hid their faces in their paws.
Said the Mock Turtle, 'That President so destroyed any Republican credibility that we were forced to create the Tea Party as a foil, and also to move away from him, for you must have SOME semblance of Credibility to pull dirty political tricks.'
'And how did that work?' said Alice, in a hurry to change the subject.
'Are you Joking?,' said the Mock Turtle: 'My sixty-odd Tea Party members in the house gave the economy of the entire WORLD conniption fits. The media and I used them as cover while manufacturing a crisis to make the Debt Ceiling an ISSUE, when it has never an issue in the entire history of the United States, and we held the poor, elderly and starving children hostage as well as offering to literally crash the nation's economic system! In the end I got ninety-eight percent of what I wanted, while THEY got a hundred percent even as they did NOT Vote!'
'What a curious plan!' exclaimed Alice, 'Who would believe it possible?!'
'I made a grand speech on nationwide television about it, and all media ate it up with a spoon, and I just Lied and Lied--', The Mock Turtle shivered with joy, 'Master Lee Atwater would be so Proud. Now our nation's credit rating is shot full of holes, and after it crashes we'll blame it all on the black man, simple pleasures.'
'Oh, yes!', said the Gryphon, ' and by the way, Mock Turtle showed ME his phony budget BEFORE he even took it to his Caucus, that's how much clout I have, imagine, a radio jockey in charge of the nation's economy!' He leaned closer to Alice, whispered, 'This guy's got severe "Daddy Issues", but that's our secret.'
'The Democrats will never learn the Lesson,' the Mock Turtle remarked:'THEY believe in a dinosaur known as "Compromise" which we counter with a dodge known as, "Principles", though even if we had any, they would be lessened from day to day.'
This was quite a new idea to Alice, and she thought it over a little before she made her next remark. 'Then any "eleventh hour compromise" was only a sham from the start?'
'Of course it was,' said the Mock Turtle, laughing and crying all at the same time, 'of the finest sort. We never had any intention of it, and as Gryphon said, that constitutes Surrender. In the end, either way, we Won. Thanks to the corporate media all standing about like blind umpires, blaming both sides, but best of all, we'd handed out all those trillions to our rich pals, ages ago! Glorious!'
'But even with the media catapulting your scam, and two thirds of the public blaming the GOP for NOT compromising, weren't you worried about Tea Party members never being elected again? Or taking blame by all parties which may have you swept from the Speakers position?' Alice went on eagerly.
'That's enough about that,' the Gryphon frowned as he interrupted in a very decided tone: 'tell her something about the Tossing of the Middle Class now.'
CHAPTER X. The Middle Class Toss Quadrille
The Mock Turtle sighed deeply, and drew the back of one mahogany colored flapper across his eyes. He looked at Alice, and tried to speak, but for a minute or two sobs choked his voice. 'Same as if he had a wad of lobbyist cash in his throat,' said the Gryphon: and set to work shaking him and punching him in the back, 'He tells the marks that he's crying for his country, but everyone knows he'd really rather drown it, like social programs in a shallow tub, in his own tears if necessary.' At last the Mock Turtle recovered his voice, and, with pale orange tears running down his cheeks, he went on again:--
'You may not have lived quite long enough to have seen them thriving--' ('I haven't,' said Alice)--'and perhaps you were never even introduced to someone who's Middle Class--' (Alice began to say 'I once knew one who slaved to send ALL their children to college--' but checked herself hastily, and said 'No, never') '--so you can have no idea what a delightful thing the Toss The Middle Class Quadrille is!'
'No, indeed,' said Alice. 'What sort of a dance is it?'
'Why, Friends, after billionaires invented the Tea Party we had to make it fit for Public consumption,' said the Gryphon, 'you first form into a line forcing its way into Town Hall meetings--'
'Two lines!' cried the Mock Turtle. 'Near Seniles in mobile carts, Low Information voters, Stupidly outraged about Everything-And-Everyone Racist Pigs and so on; then, when you've cleared all the Liberals, Union Creeps and Hippie Protestors out of the way--'
'THAT generally takes some time,' interrupted the Gryphon, 'waving guns around helps a lot. 2nd amendment, you know, we LOVE that one. Better than the First.'
'--you swarm the Town Hall twice--'
'Each with a neatly broken Middle Class ignoramus as a partner!' cried the Gryphon.
'Of course,' the Mock Turtle said: 'advance twice, set to partners--'
'--Use Media to propagandize the bottom dwellers, turn them into Tea Party fools, and retire them in same order,' continued the Gryphon.
'Then, you know,' the Mock Turtle went on, 'you Toss the--'
'Middle Classes!' shouted the Gryphon, with a bound into the air.
'--as far out to the Wall Street Wolves as you can--'
'Give GRAND speeches to them all about how you are on THEIR SIDE!' screamed the Gryphon, 'Tell them it's all the President's fault, the Black One, Not that other!'
'Turn the Economy into a somersault!' cried the Mock Turtle, capering wildly about.
'Toss out the Middle Classes again!' yelled the Gryphon at the top of its voice.
'Back to Congress again, where you can claim you're GOP, and ignore the Tea Party fools once more, and that's all the first figure,' said the Mock Turtle, suddenly dropping his voice; and the two creatures, who had been jumping about like mad things all this time, sat down again very sadly and quietly, and looked at Alice. She wondered if they were feeling shame, then decided it wasn't possible.
'It must be a very horrifying dance,' said Alice sadly, 'as they have no idea that you're actually taking AWAY Social Security and Medicare Benefits yet THEY beg for you to do it.'
'Would you like to see a little of it?' said the Mock Turtle.
'I suppose I have no choice,' said Alice, chagrined, 'as there seems to be no way of voting any of you out.'
'Come, let's try the first figure!' said the Mock Turtle to the Gryphon. 'We can do without the Middle Classes, and their Socialist leanings, you know. Besides, what have they done for us lately? Which shall sing?'
'Other than lose their houses, their jobs, their health care, all to pay for two wars begun with falsified information? Not much I suppose.' said Alice sadly.
'And we couldn't have done it without a compliant corporate media, who for all intents and purposes fashioned the Tea Party out of whole cloth, and sold everyone an empty bag of goods!' shouted the Gryphon triumphantly, 'Oh, no, YOU sing,' said the Gryphon. 'I only remember the words to the Magic Negro.'
So they began sloppily dancing round and round Alice, every now and then the Mock Turtle drooling, treading on her toes when he passed too close, with her bouncing off the Gryphon's huge belly, waving their forepaws to mark the time, while the Mock Turtle sang this, very slowly and sadly, as his crocodile tears ran, forming rivulets in the sand:--
'"Will you shove a little faster?" says the Racist as he runs.
"There's a black man in our White House, and he wants to take our guns.
See how eagerly the fake Tea Parties all distract us!
They are waiting to start shouting--will you join the Town Hall Fracas?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the Town Hall Fracas?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the Town Hall Fracas?
"Our destruction of the Middle Class will never be complete,
'til they Sucker and Cajole us, sell us out to fair Wall Street!"
But the liberal he cried, "No wait! Can you please not beg them to attack us?"-- Said he "It's not within our interest!" and would not join the Town Hall fracas.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, would not join the Town Hall Fracas.
Would not, could not, would not, could not, could not join the Town Hall Fracas.
'"Oh, Marxist swine, as now we force," the racist thug replied.
"Our message, get the black man out, upon the other side.
No matter that we wreck ourselves, and in the process Middle Classes-- But that we choose the Fools we reckon with, come and join the Town Hall Fracas.
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, will you join the Town Hall Fracas?
Will you, won't you, will you, won't you, won't you join the Town Hall Fracas?"'
'Truly the most horrendous thing I've been exposed to in this curious place,' said Alice, feeling very glad that it was over at last: 'a dreadful song, which in the end proves the Tea Party is all about nothing but ignorant, hateful old whites!'
'Oh, as to the ignorant old whites,' said the Mock Turtle, 'they--you've seen them, of course?'
'Yes,' said Alice, 'I've often seen them, in Congress.' again, she checked herself hastily, thinking to herself how dangerous these creatures were after all.
'Well, just proof that Congress DOES represent the People!' said the Mock Turtle, 'so, of course you know what they're like.'
'I believe it's been that way for so many years,' Alice replied thoughtfully. 'Despite the fact that the Latinos and other folks of color have grown larger in the population, yet are treated like crumbs.'
'You're wrong about the crumbs,' said the Mock Turtle: 'crumbs is all they WANT. But they've HAD a chance to join the Middle Classes all along; and the reason is--' here the Mock Turtle yawned and shut his eyes, as apparently racism bored him.--'Tell her about the reason and all that,' he said to the Gryphon.
'The reason is,' said the Gryphon, 'that they WOULD go to the fracas, but they neither use their guns for Good, nor do they Vote. After committing so many crimes all the time, they lose their rights to guns and votes. So they get thrown to the Wall Street wolves as well. It's a step UP for them, the poor blacks being strangled along with the Middle Class. So they got their chance. So they couldn't get their act together. That's all.'
'Oh goodness,' said Alice, 'but the whites work so hard to keep them FROM Voting. Redistricting, fake flyers with the wrong voting dates spread in ghettos. I never knew so much about white representation before.'
'I can tell you more than that, if you like,' said the Gryphon. 'Do you ever wonder why there are gun shops on nearly every block in low income areas?'
'I never thought about it,' said Alice. 'Why?'
'Just as effective as smallpox blankets and cheap rifles were back when whites stole the country from the American Indians.' the Gryphon replied very proudly.
Alice was thoroughly puzzled. 'Oh Dear, are you telling me that's been orchestrated all this time?!' she repeated in a wondering tone.
'Certainly, a reservation is a reservation,' said the Gryphon. 'Any responsible government would put an end to that. Of course, we put a "pox" on all that with our screaming how THOSE blacks ALSO should have THEIR Second Amendment "rights" PROTECTED! Shhh. Don't tell Al Sharpton! Of course I joke, Fire Away!'
Alice looked down at them, and considered a little before she gave her answer. 'Who would do such a thing?.'
'The NRA, the QUEEN, the KKK, there's plenty of them, "Don't RETREAT, RELOAD!' the Gryphon took aim with an imaginary rifle, 'KaPow!'
'One more way to keep such unsavory people in prison, we're destroying the black culture a little at a time, many of those children are being raised by grandmothers, as we've jailed their mothers and fathers, uncles, aunts. A corporate cottage industry.' the Mock Turtle was tearing up again, but Alice wasn't buying it, 'How one made it to President I'll never know, but we're working on that as well.'
'But what kind of people would want to destroy so much of the populace? And the President is a fine man, as are many blacks who've given so much to the culture of our country!' Alice cried.
'Those hateful, ignorant white males you go on about,' the Gryphon replied rather impatiently, 'only as Corporatists, and as both the Supreme Court AND Mitt Romney have declared Corporations to be PERSONS, they are not held accountable in any fashion.'
'Soon enough,' the Mock Turtle waved his flapper, 'once we've crashed the economy and wiped out social programs our corporate owned prisons will be flooded, and again, the color of a person's skin won't matter. They'll make slaves of them all, just imagine working at a computer all day as a Travel Agent for the Wealthy on only a single bowl of oatmeal a day. It's called "Progress", the American Way. The New Melting Pot. Impossible to call us racists when EVERYONE is incarcerated.'
'What was it you said in your grand speech about the government?' asked the Gryphon of the Mock Turtle.
'It was, âIâve always believed, the bigger the government, the smaller the people.", the Mock Turtle rocked his body, 'which means we'll need Smaller Corporate Prisons, and lots of them!'
Both the Mock Turtle and the Gryphon laughed and laughed, tears of joy streaming down their faces, 'All made possible with this Tea Party con! WE put the CON in "Conservative". But of course, WE didn't tell you any of this, besides, if you tell anyone else, why, we'll just deny it, and the media will make you out as a conspiracy nut.'
'I can't believe you could even think such things, let alone say them,' said Alice, whose thoughts fairly swirled, 'What's to keep the public, or blogs at least from saying,"Keep back, please: we don't want YOU with us!"'
'I always mean what I say - unless I'm saying the opposite the very next moment' the Mock Turtle replied in an offended tone. And the Gryphon added 'Come, let's hear some of YOUR adventures.'
'I could tell you my adventures--beginning from this morning,' said Alice a little timidly: 'but it's no use going back to yesterday,
because I was a different person then.'
'Explain all that,' said the Mock Turtle.
'No, no! The adventures first,' said the Gryphon in an impatient tone: 'explanations take such a dreadful time.'
So Alice began telling them her adventures from the time when she first saw the very White SuperPAC Rabbit. She was a little nervous about it just at first, the two creatures got so close to her, one on each side, and opened their eyes and mouths so VERY wide, but she gained courage as she went on. Her listeners were perfectly quiet till she got to the part about her repeating 'YOU ARE OLD, FATHER MEDIA,' to the Caterpillar, and the words all coming different, and then the Mock Turtle drew a long breath, and said 'That's very curious.'
'It's all about as curious as it can be,' said the Gryphon.
'It all came different, flip-flopping, a favorite of mine!' the Mock Turtle repeated thoughtfully. 'I should like to hear her try and repeat something now. Tell her to begin.' He looked at the Gryphon as if he thought it had some kind of authority over Alice.
'Stand up and repeat "'TIS THE VOICE OF THE CONGRESSIONAL SLUGGARD,"' said the Gryphon through a haze of blue cigar smoke.
'How these creatures order everyone about, and make one repeat everything, the whole time refusing to believe anything said to them!' thought Alice; 'I'm quite certain I do not want to be schooled by such as these.' However, she got up, and began to repeat it, but her head was so filled with angst over the heartlessness of their Toss the Middle Class Quadrille that she hardly knew what she was saying, and the words came very queer indeed:--
''Tis the voice of the Speaker; I heard him declare,
"Since I've tanned much too orange, I must dye now my hair."
I'll Tax Not the Rich, and with Trickle-Down Voo Doo,
We'll Trim fat from the People, as Sir Reagan once knew.'
Once their money's all gone, fed to war machines, fat,
We'll pretend not to know, not a thing about that
As we'll need even more, we'll send sharks all around,
'til the ship of America runs deep, steep aground.
'Well, I never heard it before,' said the Mock Turtle; 'but it sounds
like just what the doctor ordered.'
Alice said nothing; she had sat down with her face in her hands,
wondering if anything would EVER happen in a natural way again.
'But where's the "spin"?,' said the puzzled Mock Turtle, 'You can't make a statement without it, else, what's the point?'
'The poor little thing HAS no spin, it's very curious to meet such a creature, or that they exist at all' said the Gryphon hastily. 'But go on with the next verse.'
'But about his tan?' the Mock Turtle persisted. 'Wouldn't that rhyme better with "Man", you know, like when I went "mano-a-mano with the President on the debt ceiling scam?'
'That would take TWO men, so that might include the President, but not you, I suppose.' Alice said; dreadfully puzzled by Mock Turtle's constant insistence on some curious macho element always being included, or that it be always about HIM, and longed to change the subject.
'Like I said, "Daddy issues"--, the Gryphon shook his head, 'Go on with the next verse,' the Gryphon repeated impatiently: 'it begins "I passed by his Congress."'
Alice did not dare to disobey Gryphon, besides his very sharp claws, he was obviously was not right in the head, and though she felt sure it would all come wrong, she went on in a trembling voice:--
'I passed by his Congress, and marked, with one eye,
How Wall Street and the Poor were sharing a pie--'
Wall Street took pie-crust, and gravy, and meat,
While the Poor had the dish as its share of the treat.
When the pie was all finished, the Poor, as a boon,
Were kindly permitted to pocket the spoon:
While Wall Street received knife and fork with a growl,
And concluded the banquet--
'What IS the use of repeating all that stuff,' the Mock Turtle
interrupted, 'if you there's no spin as you go on? It's by far the most confusing thing I ever heard!'
'Yes, I think you might as well put the kibosh on that,' said the Gryphon, 'especially since there's nothing about ME in any of it.': and Alice was only too glad to do so.
'Shall we try another figure of the Toss The Middle Class Quadrille?' the Gryphon went on. 'Or would you like the Mock Turtle to sing you a song? How about the Magic Negro?'
'Oh goodness, can you give that a rest please? Perhaps a song, that isn't Racist if that's even possible for the Mock Turtle,' Alice replied, so disgusted that the Gryphon said, in a rather offended tone, 'Gee, thanks. I told you it's the only one I know all the words to. Sing her "White House Coup," and make it snappy. I have a drug deal.. uh.. a staff meeting, in twenty minutes.'
The Mock Turtle sighed deeply, and began, in a voice sometimes choked with sobs, to sing this:--
'Beautiful Coup, so dear to our Rule
Impeachment by Issa of that Black Fool!
Is there ever a low blow, to which we'd not stoop?
Coup of the century, beautiful Coup!
Coup of the century, beautiful Coup!
Beau--ootiful Coo--oop!
Beau--ootiful Coo--oop!
Coo--oop of the cent--ury,
Beautiful, beautiful Coup!
'Beautiful Coup! Who cares for Law?,
Who'll lie to achieve it, by tooth and Claw!
Our Media's there to put poop in the Soup!
A Tea Cup all full of beautiful Coup?
A Tea Cup all full of beautiful Coup?
Beau--ootiful Coo--oop!
Beau--ootiful Coo--oop!
Coo--oop of the cent--ury,
Beautiful, beauti--FUL Coup!'
'Chorus again!' cried the Gryphon, stuffing dollar bills in the Mock Turtle's shell, who had just begun to repeat it, when a cry of 'The trial's beginning!' was heard in the distance.
'The Impeachment Trial?!' cried the Gryphon, 'Is it Twenty Twelve already?!, Never mind, the sooner the better!' and, taking Alice by the hand, it hurried off, without waiting for the end of the song.
'What trial is it? Impeachment! Surely there's no laws broken one could possibly use to charge this President, and so early after his election?' Alice panted as she ran; but the Gryphon only laughed, 'Who needs Laws! We'll just make up charges as we go along, call them fancy words like "Fact Patterns" - all the rage when we took down another President who lied about something or other, I forget what. Come on!' and ran the faster, while more and more faintly came, carried on the breeze that followed them, the melancholy words:--
'Coo--oop of the c--cent-ury,
Beautiful, beautiful Coup!'
mAlice in Wonderland: A Tea Party Fable, is the second book from Micheal Stinson & Julie Sigwart, authors/illustrators of Going Rouge: The Sarah Palin Rogue Coloring & Activity Book."
More excerpts and information about the book can be found at http://www.tbtmmedia.com.