Well, this could prove to be highly unpopular here on DailyKos. But meh, screw it. Jon Stewart and the Daily Show team covered the Palestinian bid to join the United Nations.
You know, the real issue isn't really the chair or the application. As with any good co-op, it's getting past that one hard-ass on the co-op board, the one who always shoots people down, because he doesn't like dogs, but he has two Great Danes, because he was grandfathered in. Sorry, grrr, made me so mad. So are the Palestinians in?
BARACK OBAMA (9/21/2011): Peace will not come through statements and resolutions at the United Nations. ... Ultimately, it is the Israelis and the Palestinians, not us, who must reach agreement on the issues that divide them.
So thank you for your interest in our building, and please come back once you have a letter of recommendation from your mortal enemy. Also, we're gonna need pay stubs.
So there you go, Palestine. All you need to do is settle your differences with Israel. Hehe, hehe, hehe, hehe.
I have an idea. Maybe this will make it a little more palatable. Have you thought about a spelling change?
Nice. It's good, it's good. Wait. I still don't know if it's enough.
Yeah! Welcome to the world community!
....
JOHN OLIVER: I am perfectly willing to discuss this reasonably as soon as he stops with all those attacks.
AASIF MANDVI: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
JOHN OLIVER: What?
AASIF MANDVI: Son of a bitch! Did your box just get bigger?
JOHN OLIVER: No.
AASIF MANDVI: Yeah, you just took some of my box!
JOHN OLIVER: No, no, no!
AASIF MANDVI: That's right!
JOHN OLIVER: It is not your box! It's not your box. Historically, that has always been part of my box.
AASIF MANDVI: This is an illegal occupation!
Video and transcript below the fold.
But we begin tonight, obviously, with world affairs. Big buzz at the U.N. today, as diplomats looked forward to getting home early from work, picking their children up from school, thanks to the annual Ahmadinejad speech ritual known as the running of the bullshit.
"No honey, I don't know what time I'm going to be coming home.... Oh, oh. He's denying the Holocaust. Yeah, I'll be coming home right now. See you in a little bit."
And then the wife has the little earpiece translating....
But the performance of SpongeNut CrazyPants aside, the U.N. had more pressing issues to discuss. As you may or may not know, there has been a slight ongoing property line dispute in the area between what everybody besides Palestine calls Israel, and what everybody but Israel calls Palestine. So, for I guess around the past 6,000 years, these two parties have attempted to settle the zoning disagreement the old fashioned way, persistent bloodshed. Since this method has proven somewhat inconclusive, the parties from time to time seek an alternative, pardon the pun, unorthodox method... (wild audience applause) to achieve their goals.
CNN (9/16/2011): The Palestinians have flown a symbolic chair to the United Nations ahead of next week's general assembly. That's when Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas plans to make a bid for U.N. membership.
That's right, people. Apparently, the United Nations is bring your own motherfucking chair. The U.N. provides the translators, you provide the chair, and headphone rentals are $3. Small price to pay for the ability to park, steal, and kill with diplomatic immunity. (shocked audience response)
Oh really?? Oh really!! Believe me, you get one of them diplomatic license plates, fuck red lights.
But the chairs have always been an impressive part of the U.N. The Turks have their Ottoman Empire.
Sweden brought their national chair, the Glürk, an unassembled pile of wood.
And of course, Australia relies on Pouchy, the world's most patient kangaroo. Pouchy.
But joining the U.N. isn't as simple as just bringing a chair.
BAN KI MOON (9/15/2011): When I receive an application from a state for admission into the United Nations, I review all these technical issues, whether this application is in proper form.
Really? There's an application process to joining the U.N.? Who did North Korea use as a reference on their application? And not for nothing, but Syria, a country who has begun systematically firing on its own people, they must've had really good test scores, otherwise you wouldn't have let them in. Although I guess once you get tenure....
You know, the real issue isn't really the chair or the application. As with any good co-op, it's getting past that one hard-ass on the co-op board, the one who always shoots people down, because he doesn't like dogs, but he has two Great Danes, because he was grandfathered in. Sorry, grrr, made me so mad. So are the Palestinians in?
BARACK OBAMA (9/21/2011): Peace will not come through statements and resolutions at the United Nations. ... Ultimately, it is the Israelis and the Palestinians, not us, who must reach agreement on the issues that divide them.
So thank you for your interest in our building, and please come back once you have a letter of recommendation from your mortal enemy. Also, we're gonna need pay stubs.
So there you go, Palestine. All you need to do is settle your differences with Israel. Hehe, hehe, hehe, hehe.
I have an idea. Maybe this will make it a little more palatable. Have you thought about a spelling change?
Nice. It's good, it's good. Wait. I still don't know if it's enough.
Yeah! Welcome to the world community!
JON STEWART: For more on this intractable problem, we go to Senior Middle East Correspondent John Oliver in Jerusa....
JOHN OLIVER: Hi Jon, I've got amazing breaking news. A new religious scroll has been discovered that may hold the key to a lasting peace in the Middle East.
JON STEWART: Does this scroll provide evidence to one group's claims...?
JOHN OLIVER: It absolutely does, Jon. It's all right here in black and papyrus. This scroll actually reveals that the real Jewish promise land is not the land of Judea and Samaria, but right here in Halifax, Canada. Yeah, yeah.
JON STEWART: The Biblical Jewish promise land... is Halifax.
JOHN OLIVER: No, no, Jon. Actually, it's pronounced Challahfax. Just a little "chhh"...
JON STEWART: Halifax, Halifax.
JOHN OLIVER: Try it.
JON STEWART: Halifax.
JOHN OLIVER: No, no. No, no, no, Jon. It's Chhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhallahfax.
JON STEWART: Challahfax. Challahfax. Chalalahfax.
JOHN OLIVER: Yeah, that's closer.
AASIF MANDVI: Excuse me, Jon.
JON STEWART: Aasif Mandvi?
AASIF MANDVI: Yes, this is outrageous, OK? This area has always been, and always will be, sacred to Muslims. This area contains some of the most sacred sites in all of Islam. Yeah, that's right.
JON STEWART: You're talking about... Halifax?
AASIF MANDVI: First of all, it's pronounced Halalifax.
JOHN OLIVER: No it isn't, Jon. No it isn't, Jon. It's Challahfax. He's wrong. It's Challahfax, Jon. I can prove it, it's all right here in Hebrew. In fact, let me read it to you for a second. Here we go. (chants) "This land clearly belongs to the Jews. I want to make that absolutely clear. I spoke to Mohammad last night, and he's cool with it. It's really not as complicated as it seems."
AASIF MANDVI: No! No! That is not.... He's just chanting English!
JOHN OLIVER: What? No! No!
AASIF MANDVI: This is ridiculous! OK, according to the Koran, Halalifax contains the very lake where Mohammad first went ice fishing. He caught a bass this big!
JOHN OLIVER: No! Hey, Mandvi, I'll believe that when I see a picture of it!
AASIF MANDVI: You know I can't show you one!
JOHN OLIVER: Oh, that's very convenient! That's so convenient, isn't it?
JON STEWART: Now, John, John, you are being intentionally provocative!
JOHN OLIVER: No, that's not it at all! (rock hits John in chest) Hey! Who threw that? Aasif!
AASIF MANDVI: What??
JON STEWART: No, no, Aasif, I think that rock came from your area.
JOHN OLIVER: Yeah!
AASIF MANDVI: Oh, oh, so now I'm responsible for everything that comes from my box?
JOHN OLIVER: You're a liar! You're lying!
AASIF MANDVI: You're a land thief! That is what you are, a land thief!
JON STEWART: What is wrong with you two? You can't even get along in Nova Scotia! It's the most polite part of Canada!
JOHN OLIVER: OK. Jon, Jon, Jon, Jon. OK. Jon, look. I am perfectly willing to discuss this reasonably as soon as he stops with all those attacks.
AASIF MANDVI: Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
JOHN OLIVER: What?
AASIF MANDVI: Son of a bitch! Did your box just get bigger?
JOHN OLIVER: No.
AASIF MANDVI: Yeah, you just took some of my box!
JOHN OLIVER: No, no, no!
AASIF MANDVI: That's right!
JOHN OLIVER: It is not your box! It's not your box. Historically, that has always been part of my box.
AASIF MANDVI: This is an illegal occupation!
JOHN OLIVER: It's my box.
(Aasif throws rock at John)
JON STEWART: Gentlemen!!!
JOHN OLIVER: I'm coming over there!
(fight ensues)
John Oliver and Aasif Mandvi! We'll be right back!
Then Lewis Black came on to rant about Dr. Oz for misleading his audience about arsenic in apple juice (he's fearmongering to a science-ignorant crowd), and the ugly bigotry against Chaz Bono.
Jon's guest was former Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm (D). The interview, of course, ran long. Here's the unedited version in two parts. She did a good job countering the bull coming from Indiana Governor Mitch Daniels (R) on job creation from the night before.
Part 1
Part 2
Meanwhile, Stephen covered the NASA satellite that's hurtling back to Earth, the Marines banning audible farting in Afghanistan because it offends the Afghans (though beheading women for adultery is not as offensive to them), and how Fox News is trying to play up Obama's hand blocking the Mongolian President's face in a photograph as a gaffe. He then talked with J Street's Jeremy Ben-Ami about the whole I/P conflict.