Upon learning that today was National Coming out Day, I briefly thought about finally outing myself as a bisexual to my family and the friends that don't yet know. That thought quickly vanished, as I convinced myself that doing so would ultimately be more trouble than it's worth. I have no problem saying that I am as attracted to men as I am to women semi-anonymously on the internet. I was able to tell it to my wife, who was very understanding and open minded when she learned it. I now have no problem telling most of my closest friends, who have all responded positively to the revelation.
Why, then, can't I muster up the courage to finally stop hiding it from everyone else? Every time I think about saying something, I always tell myself that I'm better off keeping it a secret from the majority of people I know. It's like I've put on this masculine, straight act for so many years that, even though deep down inside of me, I'd like to stop hiding it, I feel that it's just going to cause me problems if I do so.
I'm not ashamed of myself and I certainly don't feel guilty for being bisexual, so that's definitely not the issue. I just don't like conflict and even though I suffer in the long run from not saying something, I can't bring myself to open that can of worms, especially when dealing with my brother and my less than sensitive sports buddies.
They're the typical masculine athlete, military, fun-to-hang-with-even-though-they-can-be-total-jerks-type of guy. They are easily my closest group of friends, and they are overall very friendly and fun, despite the fact that they don't pull punches when joking around or talking with each other. I'm on their football team, I play D&D with them, and I genuinely enjoy their company. I even tolerate their pseudo-homophobia, despite the fact that deep down it kills me when they go on an anti-gay rants and make anti-gay jokes. They don't actively hate gays. That much is clear to me. However, as is the status-quo with the "typical" guy group, their "humor" and joking namecalling is pretty much as you'd expect, littered with subtle homophobia and the three letter "F-word".
Don't get me wrong. I love these guys and would defend them to the death, despite their cultural shortcomings, but I really think the main reason I can't bring myself to finally fully embrace who I am and stop hiding it from the world at large is because I'm absolutely terrified of what would happen should they find out. Logically, I'm pretty sure they'd be okay with it, but something in the back of my head keeps telling me that it won't be, that I'd lose friends or permanently alter the dynamic of the group by coming out, and that I'm better off just keeping it hidden.
It makes me feel like a total coward, and I hate myself for it...
Wed Oct 12, 2011 at 5:42 AM PT: Wow. I head home from work and go to sleep, and the next morning this therapeutic exercise of mine is on the Community Spotlight with twice as many comments as there were last night...
Thanks for the kind words, everyone. I thought about it a bit more last night and I'm a bit more at peace with it than I was yesterday. I'm still a bit frustrated with myself, but I realize that, in the long run, it really isn't nearly as big a deal as I felt it was. I've just got to treat each different person individually, and only tell them when I feel I'm ready.