In a remarkably candid interview conducted just a few days ago, a 'highly placed' Republican insider spilled the beans about the true meaning of Republican talking points. This insider, a frequent guest on a certain 'news' channel, agreed, on condition of anonymity, to go on-the-record about the real meaning of the talking points used most often when discussing policy issues.
We asked the subject of this interview about his reasons for granting it. He responded, "Hello, I'm a Republican. I'm in it for myself. The others will understand. Besides, I've switched teams before, I can do it again."
When asked if his candor could spell the end of the usefulness of these talking points, or if he would lose favor in the party if his identity became known, the subject replied, "We always knew that some day the party would be over for this stuff. This is just me leaving the kegger before the cops show up."
Read on below, America. Be the first person on your street who can read between the lines when republicans talk.
Republican Core Values (RCVs) - "In general, this means everything opposite what President Obama wants, does, says, supports, thinks, or was standing near at some point. It would be very convenient if you would kindly not notice that we used to want, do, say, support, think or stand near the same thing. But hey, he's, you know, bl*ck."
Smaller Government - "The most common usage of this RCV means that the speaker wants smaller government for himself (or herself), but not for you. For example, we don't like the EPA telling businesses not to pollute, so it should be eliminated, but we really like being able to spy on you, so we'll keep that."
Tax Relief - "In very common usage today, typically means "When my friends get a seven-figure bonus, they like to keep the whole thing - damn the debt." For context, google 'Leona Helmsley Gambit'."
Reduce The Regulatory Burden On Businesses - "Also common today, means that businesses don't like to have to follow rules about, oh, say, screwing your customers by glossing over the fine print. Just get rid of those regulations and they promise they'll be good this time."
Education Reform - "It's commonly believed that this RCV covers many different policy areas, but they can all be reduced to a desire to eliminate not just teacher's unions, but teachers themselves. Those pointy-heads think they're so smart, plus they don't usually vote for Democrats, and besides, with more uneducated dummies walking around, businesses can pay lower wages, or hell, just hire the kids. Kind of like in Asia. Those kids over there are really good at putting things together because they have little tiny fingers. Now we're back to that pesky regulatory burden."
Rescue Social Security - "Former meaning; Don't touch it or you'll get zapped. It'll die in a couple of decades anyway, and we'll get the money. New meaning; The damned thing won't die. Looks like we'll have to shoot it to get at the money."
A Strong Military - "True, as far as it goes. We don't, however, want to have to think about the military after we get (straight) people into uniform, hence the statement by Donald Rumsfeld, that you go to war with the army you have, not the one you wish you had. This also applies to veterans, those people we talk about respecting so much, but who keep sucking up all that money with their 'injuries', and their 'post-traumatic stress disorders', those leaches."
Socialist - "Anybody who wants to use government money to help people, and especially Obama."
Fascist - Anybody who wants to put people before corporations, and especially Obama."
Communist - "See socialist and/or fascist above, and especially Obama."
Maoist - "We think that's something like a communist, and especially Obama."
America Hater - "People who aren't Republicans."
Real American - "People who are too stupid to see through our B.S., plus they vote for us."
Elitist - Anybody who we don't like and that went to a good school in the Northeast. Or who thinks they're so smart."
Austerity - "Raising taxes on the poor and middle class so we can give more tax cuts to the wealthy, i.e., taxes stay the same for the little people but the services they need get cut. Meanwhile, the rich get another 20%-off coupon on their entire order."
Job Creator - "The people, corporate or otherwise, who don't actually create anything (except campaign donations), but take the profits. You do realize that the real job creators are the consumers, right? Right?"
Tea Party Protesters - "Flag-waving, liberty-loving, overtaxed patriots. Also, quite useful idiots."
#Occupy Protesters - "Anarchists, aging hippies, dopers and other losers."
Free Speech - "Money."
Money - "Yes, please. "
Acorn - "We don't want too many 'inner-city people' voting (wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more), they usually vote Democrat."
Pro-Life - "Pro-birth. Then go screw yourself."
It's Unconstitutional! - "This is a big one and covers a lot of ground, so try to keep up. We love to use this one to tar whatever the the Democrats want, or the majority of the people for that matter. Health care for everybody? Unconstitutional. Gun control? Unconstitutional. Same-sex marriage, or safe, legal abortion? They're not unconstitutional, yet. Getting the picture? Good. Now we just love the Constitution, especially in the bill of rights, that part about states-rights in the tenth amendment. That's always good for a talking point. On the other hand, the Constitution is a living breathing document, so it's okay to not like some parts. Like the first, fourth, fifth, sixth, eighth, ninth, thirteenth, fourteenth (section 1), fifteenth and sixteenth amendments. The rest is pretty much okay. We really like the second amendment, except that 'well-regulated' part, which we pretend isn't even there. The first amendment is kind of shaky. Oh, and article 1, section 8 is bad, too. But we just love the rest of it."
Government Is The Problem - "We love this one because nobody ever calls us on it by pointing out that the people are the government, so we're saying that you are really the problem. Not to mention that, since we put idiots in charge of a lot of departments, and slashed their budgets, we really did make it a problem."
Unemployment Insurance And Welfare Are Reasons To Not Get A Job - "At $3.50/hour."
Illegal Aliens - "Those are the people who won't just shut up and take all the $3.50/hour jobs. If they would just take the money and stop rocking the boat, we could all stop caring about this one. Of course, when we say 'rocking the boat', we mean getting sick while they're here, wanting us to educate their kids, or feeling a little secure about being able to stay here. Plain and simple, they're a bunch of ungrateful bastards."
Corporations Are People, Too - "Seriously, we can't believe anybody still falls for that one, but as long as the Supreme Court keeps letting it go, we'll keep using it."
America Is A Christian Nation - "Please. Do we act like Christians? Especially us Republicans! If we were a Christian nation, or Christians ourselves, how could we allow corporations to be thought of as people? Think about that whole 'One god, and his son, Jesus Christ, who died for our sins' business. We can't possibly believe that we're Christians, and that we created 'people'. That would mean that the government is god (yeah, right), or that we are gods. Hmm. That last bit has a nice ring to it. I might be able to find a way to use that."
So, there you have it America. We hope this makes it easier for you to figure out why we're in the shape we're in. We asked the subject of our interview if he would return for more questions in the event that Republicans come up with some new ideas for misleading the public. He responded, "Are you kidding me? We haven't had a new idea since Ronald Reagan. If you want a good idea, you have to go back farther than that."