Texas is an enormous state, so when an idea dawns here, it may take a while for it to sink in. If you’re our slow-witted Secessionist-in-Chief, Rick Perry, it may take longer still. However, he has finally realized that his Texas-based team of highly loyal but clearly unprepared advisers cannot propel him to the White House, and he needed to bring in some heavy hitters with national experience.
Don’t worry, though, little buddies, because these new guys aren’t gonna take your jobs. We still need y’all. You’re just gonna have to work with these new folks. They’ll fit in fine. Nice bunch of middle-aged white fellas. Been around the block a time or two.
And don't worry: we got plenty of cash to keep everybody on the payroll. This ain’t like that SqueekyB, bless her heart, watching all her staffers take off just ‘cause they didn’t get paid. No sir, y’all are gonna be taken care of just fine. Now just follow along below the Texas sinkhole and meet our new team members.
From Houston Chronicle Blog
Curt Anderson, the Man with the Plan:
Who he is:Partner at OnMessage Inc., a GOP consulting firm in Alexandria, Virginia.
What he’s done:
-In 2010, he was a top adviser on Florida Gov. Rick Scott’s campaign.
-Co-authored Louisiana Gov. Bobby Jindal’s book, Leadership in Crisis.
-Was strategist on Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign in 2008.
-In 1996, was a senior strategist for presidential candidate Steve Forbes.
-Served as a top public liaison for the Reagan White House.
What he’ll do for Perry:Anderson brings decades of national experience to the Perry strategy team.
Any plan will be an improvement on the West Texas Desert Brownian Motion campaign stumble we’ve seen so far, so Curt, we’re counting on you to get these folks organized, and all swaggering in the same direction. We love that you used to work for Romney in 2008. You can tell us all the juicy, exciting things that went on in his... oh. Never mind. It's Mitt. So this time around, you're ready to work for someone with someone more... human. You've come to the right place. I'm sure you've already been briefed on the "issues" you'll need to know... and suppress. Welcome aboard.
Tony Fabrizio, “Tony the Pollster”
Who he is: Partner at Alexandria-based survey research and consulting firm Fabrizio,Ward and Associates.
What he’s done:
- Fabrizio worked as chief pollster and strategist for then Kansas Sen. Bob Dole’s unsuccessful 1996 campaign for president.
-Provided polling and consulting for major corporate clients such as Visa, Phillip Morris, and AOL/Time Warner.
-Has been top pollster for the Republican National Committee and dozens of past and present Republican congressmen and governors, such as former Minnesota Gov. Tim Pawlenty.
-Preemptively declined to serve as a strategist to Donald Trump in April after Trump floated Fabrizio’s name in an interview while the real estate titan was considering his own bid for the oval office.
What he’ll do for Perry: Fabrizio will handle polling duties for the Perry campaign, though Perry pollster Mike Baselice will remain on the team.
Brilliant moves so far, Tony. You seem to align yourself with losers… or maybe you’ve been aligning yourself with successful people and turning them into losers. Please feel free to work that same magic here. If you’re used to working with folks like Bob Dole and Tim Pawlenty, you might want to buckle your seat belt, because on Team Perry, you’ll be in for a bumpy ride. Still, credit where credit is due: you had the smarts to walk away from a lucrative gig as Trump's strategist. That job would have been like nailing a slab of Jello to the wall.
Joe Allbaugh, Senior Advisor
Who he is: President and CEO of Allbaugh International Group LLC, a Washington D.C.-based security and emergency management consulting firm.
What he’s done:
-Served a term as chief of staff to Governor George W. Bush after working as Bush’s campaign manager to help secure his win in1994.
-Campaign manager for Bush’s 2000 presidential race.
-Headed the Federal Emergency Management Agency (FEMA) in 2001.
What he’ll do for Perry:Allbaugh will play a senior advisory role, according to Perry’s campaign, and he brings a winning track record from his years on the Bush staff.
Well, Joe, I guarantee you:
there will be emergencies to be managed. No, I don't mean those pesky droughts and wildfires. That's a Texas thing, not your problem. But... how are you with skeleton management? There are a bunch in your candidate’s closet, and if they all come out at once, you’re lookin’ at a
Category 4 storm of controversy. Some of those nice religious folk could be in for quite a shock. You’re going to need to be on top of your game here, or it’s game over.
Nelson Warfield, National Strategist: Debate Preparation
Who he is: Top man at Warfield and Co., a GOP consulting firm.
What he’s done:
-Served as spokesperson for Ronald Lauder, son of makeup magnate Estee Lauder, during Lauder’s 1989 bid for New York City mayor.
- Worked as Bob Dole’s national press secretary during Dole’s presidential campaign in 1996.
- Served as a media strategist for Tea Party candidate Doug Hoffman during his unsuccessful bid for U.S. Representative for New York’s 23rd district in 2009.
-Along with Anderson and Fabrizio, crafted the media strategy that helped bring Rick Scott to victory in the 2010 Florida gubernatorial race.
What he’ll do for Perry:
Warfield brings national advisory experience as well as experience in debate preparation, an area where Perry has struggled against the more polished Mitt Romney.
Debate preparation alone would be a full-time job on this campaign, but look at it this way: it can’t get any worse. Everyone was thrilled that he stayed awake through the last debate. We’re counting on you, Nelson, to make future debates more entertaining. Maybe you could have Perry
armed and dangerous, waving a handgun around if Mittens gets in his personal space again. Give him some clever little sound bites. Maybe you can write 'em on his hand or something. That worked out pretty well for Caribou Barbie.
Jim Innocenzi, Media and Advertising Guru
Who he is: Founding partner of SandlerInnocenzi political consulting firm.
What he’s done:
–Worked on the media end of numerous GOP campaigns, including Govs. Dave Heineman of Nebraska and Butch Otter of Idaho, Reps. Rom Rooney, Fla., John Mica, Fla., and Cynthia Lummis, Wyo.
–Served for a short time on the John McCain for President Ad Council
What he’ll do for Perry:
Innocenzi will help the Perry camp produce glossy video ads and viral web campaigns that will “turn ideas into issues and candidates into winners through effective and compelling emotional advertising.”
You’re gonna need some better taglines than that, Jim. How about this: “Bringing the Texas Miracle to America – Without the Drought and Wildfires”. Or “Rick Perry: Executing a New American Vision”.