From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark Occupies C&J
"Folks, it is no secret that I furiously oppose Occupy Wall Street. If you really want to effect economic change, kids, do it the old-fashioned way: get off your ass and get a job at Goldman Sachs and then get hired by the U.S. Treasury. It's that simple!"
---Stephen Colbert
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"The CEO of Citigroup said that he can understand why all these Occupy Wall Street protesters are so frustrated. In fact, he felt so bad for them, he gave himself a $10 million sympathy bonus."
---Jimmy Fallon
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"Now there's a pushback movement [against Occupy Wall Street]. There's a group called 'The 53%.' These are the people who say 47 percent don't pay any federal taxes. The 53% say they barely get by, but they don't blame the banks. Their slogan is: 'Let's bend over and take it, America!'"
---Bill Maher
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"Everything we do these days is ideological and it's killing us. But our innocent children have fresh eyes and new perspectives, which is why we have to do everything we can to indoctrinate them now. Otherwise they'll solve all the problems we couldn't and make us look like jerkoffs!"
---Lewis Black
This snip from The Daily Show adds fuel to the increasingly-hard-to-disprove theory that Republicans are hellbent on going down in a blaze of stupid:
Republican strategist Noelle Nikpour: Scientists are the only people qualified to comment on scientific theories. This is what raises doubt with not only Republicans but Americans.
Aasif Mandvi: It's like, why are surgeons the only ones allowed to perform surgeries, and other surgeons are the only ones who get to say whether or not this surgery is necessary or not. Right?
Republican strategist Noelle Nikpour: Absolutely!
Aasif Mandvi: It doesn’t make any sense!
Republican strategist Noelle Nikpour: It never makes any sense! […]
Asif Manvi: It should be up to the American people to decide what is true.
Republican strategist Noelle Nikpour: Absolutely!
And five years ago:
"I think it's important to note that nobody hates the troops more than decorated war hero John Kerry. We're all very, very lucky that we have draft-dodgers like George Bush and Dick Cheney to point that out to us."
---Jimmy Kimmel
Whoa---4-to-6 5-to-8 inches of snow predicted for Portland this weekend. Cue Sean Hannity and George Will in 3...2...1..."It's global cooling, we tells ya!!!" (Love 'em or hate 'em, at least they're punctual.)
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 28, 2011
Note: A quick heads-up that there will be no C&J Monday. Back Tuesday with a stunning pre-announcement announcement that will provide you with a moment of pre-excitement excitement.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Election Day '11: 11
Days `til the Louisiana Swamp Fest in New Orleans: 8
Percent of American voters who say Republican policies favor the rich: 69%
Percent of American voters who say President Obama's policies favor the rich: 23%
(Source: The New York Times/CBS News poll)
Rank of New Year's Eve, the Super Bowl, and Halloween among top party days of the year: #1, #2, #3
Rank of the 28th among the busiest candy-buying days in October: #1
Percent of pumpkins sold in the U.S. that are used for Jack-O-Lanterns: 99%
(Source: Credit Donkey!)
Percent chance that the three deadliest days for pedestrians are 1/1, 10/31, and 12/23: 100%
(Source: Parade)
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Sproing!
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CHEERS to seeing the forest for the tents. Yes, there are, and will be, setbacks in the Occupy/99% movement (Nashville and San Diego's camps got raided, Zuccotti Square got its generators yanked, other nervous mayors are reachin' for the keys to the city bulldozers), but that's to be expected. One thing the movement doesn’t lack is resolve and resourcefulness and moxie and patience and a huge support network. (Okay, that's five things---sue me.) There's still plenty of fire left in the activist belly. Earlier today I visited the Occupy Maine camp, which is dug in at a local park. (You may have heard about the little late-night boom-boom that was tossed at 'em this week.) The sign in front of their kitchen area lays out the rules:
Welcome to the Occupation
This is a Safe Space
To Be Non-violent in Every Way
WE ARE ALL LEADERS HERE
- Please clean up after yourself & help others too
- No Drunkenness, No Drugs
- Quiet Time Begins at Midnight
Be Kind --- Speak Your Mind ---Be Kind
Have you ever witnessed such---[Yawn]---anarchy in your life? I spoke briefly with a couple leaders, who went about their duties with a flinty determination, and gave 'em a donation on behalf of C&J for vittles. They say hi. Their doggies say [Wag Wag Wag!]
P.S. Here's an update on Oakland police-brutality victim Scott Olsen: upgraded from critical to fair; can't speak yet, but can communicate through writing; parents flew in from the midwest via commercial air to be with him; expected to make a full recovery from the experience. And so is Scott.
JEERS to words of terror. "He just kept hitting me and nobody did anything." That's how a 15 year-old kid living in the southern Ohio town of Chillifuckingcothe described the scene during a classmate's assault on him. His attacker got a three-day suspension. Three fucking days. Dan Savage goes all context on the school's ass:
If the bully in who assaulted the gay kid in this video had done the exact same thing to a little old lady in shopping mall or a stranger at a bus stop he would've been arrested and charged with a crime. If he had done the same thing to a teacher at Union-Scioto High School he would've been arrested and expelled. Watch the video again. That kid who beat up a fellow student was suspended for three days and he wasn't arrested? The administrators at Union-Scioto High School and the police in Chillicothe are sending a message to every bully and bigot in town: felony assault isn't felony assault if you're assaulting the gay kid.
I'm guessing little Chillifuckingcothe, Ohio has never shaken the gay hornet's nest before. So let me be the first to say: Bzzzzt!
CHEERS to #2. And happy 276th birthday to John Adams, born on Sunday's date in 1735. Some of his colleagues are falling all over themselves to weigh in on the auspicious occasion:
"He's actually insane!"
---Secretary of War James McHenry
"Sometimes absolutely mad!"
---Ben Franklin
"He is vain, irritable, and a bad calculator of the force and probable effect of the motives which govern men."
---Thomas Jefferson
And just wait'll Martha Washington pops out of his cake! Pay your respects here. But carefully---he still thinks the Alien and Sedition Acts are in effect.
CHEERS and JEERS to moolah matters. I know what you're saying. You're saying, "Hey! Billy starts with a B, and Business starts with a B, so Billy must be an expert at business!" Ummm...sadly, no. So here's a quick roundup of business headlines we collected this week by them's who knows---as usual, there are some green shoots, some brown weeds, and plenty of champagne for Big Bidness:
> Recession fears ease as growth speeds up
> Jobless applications dip, stay stuck above 400,000
> Whirlpool cuts 5,000 jobs
> More men seek 'manny' jobs due to recession
> Key deal on debt crisis in Greece
> Thousands of demonstrators will march to the offices of Bank of America, Morgan Stanley, Wells Fargo, Citigroup and JP Morgan Chase.
> Big banks say no to debit fees, won’t follow BofA
> MERS mortgage registry sued by Delaware Attorney General
> New home sales increase as builders reduce prices
> Americans spent more, saved less in Sept.
> Oil demand rising as production lags
> Durable goods orders rise
> Chrysler earns $212 million, sales grow 24%
And a special shoutout to CNN's webmasters---if you look at the headlines in the left column, they've got a special section labeled OCCUPY MOVEMENT. It almost makes up for your TV side's hiring of Erin Burnett. (Almost.)
CHEERS to the most trusted name in news (well, besides "Rachel"). On October 29, 1911, Joseph Pulitzer died at 64 aboard his yacht in Charleston, South Carolina, thus ending the life of the "yellow journalism" publisher who was dedicated to looking out for the little guy (if loudly and sensationalistically):
Previously the press usually spoke for the establishment and moneyed interests, but this new strain of journalism supported labor, attacked trusts and monopolies, and exposed scandal, fraud and corruption, both public and private. At a time when journalism was not considered a respectable way of earning a living, Pulitzer was committed to raising the standards of the profession.
Today the best and the brightest in journalism are celebrated with the coveted "Pulitzer," which comes in a lovely velvet display case. And when I depart this earth I hope to leave behind a foundation that will recognize the most dimwitted and dishonest. I'm calling it the "Murdoch," and it'll come in a lovely doggie-doo bag.
JEERS to pale imitations. Prince Charles says he's a distant relative of Vlad the Impaler---aka Count Dracula. Of course, some of the ferocity in the bloodline has faded a bit. These days the best he can muster is, "I vant to suck your Earl Grey! Oops, um...that didn't come out right. Can we make that English Breakfast, old chap? And I'd love to 'sink my teeth' into a crumpet, ha ha, get it?" Even Van Helsing can barely stifle a yawn.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Snow. They're forecasting snow this weekend. 3-6 5-8 inches. Here. In Portland. Wah. But enough whining. Here's the haps this weekend on the teevee: tonight on HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher probably won’t drown Grover Norquist in the bathtub, but he will chat with CNN journalist Michael Ware, Cheney apologist Ron Christie, Cornel West and writer Michelle Goldberg. New DVD releases include Captain America and Francis Coppola's great The Conversation on Blu-Ray. (Full list here.) The World Series between Texas and St. Louis will be decided tonight and then it's all NFL action all the time (the Patriots will MELT THE STEELERS FOR SCRAP HA HA HA). On 60 Minutes: Mr. and Mrs. Bernie Madoff whine while NFL cancer survivor Mark Herzlich inspires.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup, now with C&J's EXCLUSIVE Trick or Treat Rating:
Up! With Chris Hayes: No idea, but who cares? It's a great show! Watch! Trick or Treat Rating: 1 box of Good 'n Plenty
Meet the Press: David Plouffe; roundtable with Tom Brokaw, Mike Murphy, Jennifer Granholm, and Steve Jobs biographer Walter Isaacson. Trick or Treat Rating: 2 Packs of Wacky Wafers
This Week: Michele Bachmann. Trick or Treat Rating: 1 jumbo bag of nuts
Face the Nation: Herman Cain continues his Tobacco Lovers Tour; Political analyst John Dickerson. Trick or Treat Rating: 10 Candy Cigarettes
Washington Week: Jackie Calmes of The New York Times on Obama's western trip; Janet Hook of The Wall Street Journal on the amazing progress being made by the Super Committee to come to a satisfactory deadlock; John Harwood of The New York Times and John Dickerson of Slate on the Republican candidates that even Pat Robertson calls "crazy." Trick or Treat Rating: 1 pack of Beltway Bubblegum
CNN's State of the Union: Ron Paul and campaign reports from Iowa and Florida. Trick or Treat Rating: 1 bag of Runts
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Rootin' tootin Rick Perry gets a grillin'; roundtable with Juan Williams, Bill Kristol, Mara Liasson and Dana Perino. Trick or Treat Rating: 1 large box of Goobers
Happy Viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: October 28, 2006
JEERS to the mind of a madman. Dick Cheney publicly confirms that, in his world, waterboarding is not only nottorture, it's actually kind of fun. If you ever get an invitation to his next Splish Splash Happy Fun Backyard Carnival...trust me, take a pass.
CHEERS to doctor's orders. Bill Frist, M.D. says candidates on his team should talk more about their tax cuts...in fact they should scream it from the rooftops. Kossack Bonddad says, "Bring it on:"
88.3% of the total benefits from Bush tax cuts went to people with incomes over $100,000. In addition, the total number of taxpayers who got a vast majority of the benefits represent only 12.71% of all taxpayers.
That would look great in a GOP ad, don't you think? Any more ideas, Dr. Frist? We're all ears...
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And just one more…
CHEERS to naughty business. Think Maine is nothing but a boring frozen tundra when the tourists go home from their summer vacations and fall leaf-peeping? Ha---think again! Down in Sanford all hell is breaking loose, thanks to the discovery of a catering service's wild swingers parties at a local banquet hall. Yup, we're talking private booths, see-through booths for voyeurs, cabanas, trapezes, twosomes, threesomes, pile-ons, wanking, spanking, planking, and when you need to take a break you can sample---their words, not mine---a delicious variety of finger foods! Sadly, they got caught by the Sanford Gestaponazis, so it's back to tossing keys in a basket at Gladys Higginbotham's apartment every other Tuesday. But the controversy continues. Apparently the sex parties got so wild that …well, read for yourself and remember that this is not The Onion:
Town officials are so concerned that residents may be offended at the prospect of voting where sex parties occurred that they are directing Ward 7 voters to cast ballots Nov. 8 at the Ward 3 polling place, at the St. Ignatius Gym on Riverside Avenue. “Not knowing what might be present or how clean the hall might be, we moved the polling place in case anyone might be uncomfortable voting there,” said Town Clerk Sue Cote.
Yes. Nothing ruins your concentration in the voting booth more than a stray battery-powered dildo tickling your ankles. Good call. And in other news: Maine's governor promises to continue screwing residents in broad daylight.
Have a great weekend! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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