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COULD'VE happened like this...

...it appears now that at a National Restaurant Association event in the early 90's, current Presidential hopeful Herman Cain cornered two separate women, pulling down his pants to expose his purple, polka-dotted penis, with a diamond encrusted foreskin.  Them, with the member in full sight, Mr. Cain produced a bagpipe, which he played, summoning a phalanx of rabid satyrs, who proceeded to grope the young women.  Eye witnesses to the event now claim that while the Satyrs attacked, Mr. Cain set the bagpipe aside, and... while donning crotchless Lederhose... pleasured himself to completion.

For this act, both women were given a monetary settlement in exchange for their silence.

Realm of possibility, right?

No?

OK, so, admittedly, there's no documents or photos or police reports or... ANYTHING to suggest that Herman Cain does now, or has ever HAD, "iced" junk to expose.

But why let that stop us from telling the above story, ESPECIALLY in a world where there are also NO FACTS to back up Lady Laura Ingram's take on the Black Walnut scandal...

“We have seen this movie before and we know how it ends. It always ends up being an employee who can’t perform or who under-performs and is looking for a little green.”

So, that would mean that...

In the early nineties, two incompetent, litigious females -- without knowledge of each other -- falsely sued the pious Herman Cain... because they were greedy.

Weird coincidence, huh?

OK, wait. Wait. Let's try...

In the early nineties, two incompetent, litigious females engaged in a conspiracy wherein they concocted tales of sexual harassment so that they could sue the pious Herman Cain... because they were greedy.

Well, that makes some... sort of... sense.  Right?  Except... well... the National Restaurant Association SETTLED.  So...

In the early nineties, two incompetent, litigious females engaged in a conspiracy wherein they concocted tales of sexual harassment so that they could sue the pious Herman Cain... because they were greedy.

Though lazy beyond all belief and unable to do their jobs... their fictitious plan was elaborate enough to fool NRA lawyers and force them into settling.

OK, I guess two women could come up with--  What?  There were THREE?

In the early nineties, THREE incompetent, litigious females engaged in a conspiracy wherein they concocted tales of sexual harassment so that they could sue the pious Herman Cain... because they were greedy.

We... um.. have... no idea if the three had any knowledge of each other or worked at the NRA at the same time or have any records to suggest they were incompetent, litigious or greedy, but this is what happened.  And it was just a couple of jokes Herman told. Knock-Knock jokes. The kinds you'd tell an eight year-old. No biggie, folks. Lay off the dude and let him run for President, already.

Though lazy beyond all belief and unable to do their jobs... their fictitious plan was elaborate enough to fool NRA lawyers and force them into settling.

Don't know about you, but to my mind... when choosing between MAKING UP SHIT TO DISPARAGE THE ALLEGED VICTIMS OF SEXUAL HARASSMENT and making up shit about a masturbating Herman Cain in crotchless Lederhose... I'll err on the latter.

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Originally posted to SYFPH on Sun Nov 06, 2011 at 08:44 AM PST.

Also republished by Kos Georgia and DKOMA.

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