The Seven Habits of Highly Ineffective Conservative bloggers and Internet Commentators:
or, How to Convince Absolutely Nobody of Anything
You are an ideological conservative with a lot of important things to say. Thanks to the internet, you have access to people you would not normally have an opportunity to meet. Whether you want to actually convince somebody to think differently about how they view the world, or just simply want to gain some “LOL's” from the like-minded choir, that is your choice. Either way, this essay is for you!
The following are some traits exhibited by those who already know everything, have nothing to learn, and, above all, do not care one lick if their audience changes their mind or not.
1) Use widely discredited anecdotal evidence, un-sourced or faulty data, or an e-mail that your uncle sent to you and 120 of your closest relatives. This way, when your audience finds out on Snopes.com that the story you copied is manufactured and the very premise of your story is based on faulty information, you lose half of your audience, and are free to then discuss your conclusion with those who already agree with you.
2) Use “boogie man” or “straw man” arguments. Most liberal Democrats spend their entire adult lives working hard to improve their communities, and promote their ideals, yet amazingly, 99% of them have never even heard of Saul Alinsky! Remind them often that they are secretly implementing his agenda to destroy America with everything they do. This way, all of the liberals in your internet audience will log-off, allowing you to continue preaching to your choir. Preach away, and LOL!
3) Tell your liberal readers what they believe. As soon as someone starts explaining to you what he thinks is really in the health care reform law, remind him that he and all of his friends want to a government bureaucracy that will dictate which doctors you can visit. Tell him that he is an atheist. If he says he doesn't like FOX, remind him that he and all of his liberal friends want a return to the Fairness Doctrine. Chances are he doesn't know what the Fairness Doctrine is, since it hasn't been law for years! It doesn't matter. Your liberal audience will ignore you and leave you in peace.
4) Say things about the president that are completely untrue in order to instill fear about things he might be doing in the future. Sure, there are hundreds of things people of fair mind could find fault with any president, but try to stay focused. By suggesting, for example, that the President supports the use of Sharia Law in U.S. Courts, you can distract your audience from real problems, like the continued imprisonment of people without trial at Guantanamo Bay. This also eliminates any possibility of finding common ground with your audience, thus keeping it small, and all singing the same song. Also: call him "Barry" for no apparent reason whatsoever.
5) Use your pseudonym as means for making vicious, or just untrue claims against others. When others complain, remind them that the Federalist Papers were written anonymously, because you are just like the forefathers of this great nation, aren't you!
6) Tell everyone that you are persecuted. Remind people that while these United States of America may appear to be the most free, most democratic nation in the history of the world, it is in fact on the verge of tyranny like the world has never known. Sure, you're using a revolutionary technology allowing you to say whatever you want without any political or legal repercussions whatsoever, but look closer. Remind your audience that by not legally enforcing that all Americans subscribe to the modern Judeo-Christian view that of marriage, they are, in fact, persecuting Christians! Remind them that by allowing people with pre-existing medical conditions to acquire medical insurance, we are ushering in Communism, and the death of all things American. By all means, compare your plight to that of those in Nazi Germany. Fly that Gadsden Flag high, because gosh-darn it, we're being "tread on" in this country, right?
7) Tell people you want to “Take back America”. Seriously, just skip to this line. The majority of Americans who voted for the other guy and plan to vote for him again hate this one. Nothing clears the proverbial room faster.
Good luck, and don't forget to LOL a lot!