From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
Observations from Lemony Snicket…
…while "watching Occupy Wall Street from a Discreet Distance"
- Money is like a child—rarely unaccompanied. When it disappears, look to those who were supposed to be keeping an eye on it while you were at the grocery store. You might also look for someone who has a lot of extra children sitting around, with long, suspicious explanations for how they got there.
- People who say money doesn’t matter are like people who say cake doesn’t matter—it’s probably because they’ve already had a few slices.
- There may not be a reason to share your cake. It is, after all, yours. You probably baked it yourself, in an oven of your own construction with ingredients you harvested yourself. It may be possible to keep your entire cake while explaining to any nearby hungry people just how reasonable you are.
- People gathering in the streets feeling wronged tend to be loud, as it is difficult to make oneself heard on the other side of an impressive edifice.
- 99 percent is a very large percentage. For instance, easily 99 percent of people want a roof over their heads, food on their tables, and the occasional slice of cake for dessert. Surely an arrangement can be made with that niggling 1 percent who disagree.
Read all 13 of his observations at OccupyWriters.com.
Bonus: watch Rachel Maddow's interview with Sir Snicket (aka Daniel Handler), including a description of his encounter with a 1-percenter that prompted him to write his list, here.
Meanwhile, Bill O'Reilly says the Occupy movement is dead. So that settles it, I guess.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Note: Did you know that Ron Paul is "The Military's Choice for President"? Golly, I hope President Obama didn’t take the news too hard when he got fired by the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the next total lunar eclipse: 31
Days `til the Thomas Jefferson Wine Festival: 10
Increase in greenhouse gas emissions between 2009 and 2010: 564 million tons (6 percent)
(Source: MIT Joint Program on the Science and Policy of Global Change)
Number of low-level pot busts being made per year in New York City: 50,000
Estimated number of people, mostly black or Hispanic, who are stopped on the streets of NYC each year because they "meet crime suspects' descriptions": 500,000
(Source: AP)
Expected drop in air travel over the Thanksgiving holiday: 2%
Estimate number of passengers who plan on flying during the 12-day period around the holiday: 23.2 million)
(Source: Air Transport Association)
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 180 (including 4 Inflations and 1 Secret Kentucky Hindu Ritual). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Occupy Denver finally has a leader.
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CHEERS to the day after. I promised that I wasn't going to gloat over the election results that swung our way last night. Then again, I also promised that I would break that promise at the first opportunity, so…what can ya do? Behold the victors:
Ohio: In your face'ick, Kasich! The anti-collective-bargaining law known as "SB-5" was ripped to shreds by voters last night (61-39), a huge blow to Governor John Kasich and the Tea Party movement, and a massive victory for organized labor, public employees and the middle class. Oh, and this from Think progress: "This is the first vote on workers’ collective bargaining rights in the nation’s history." Hey, Kasich: who's the idiot now?
Maine: Feel the rage of loser Paul LePage! Our tea party governor and the Republican-led legislature got lobster-clawed in the tuckus last night as voters soundly rejected a new law banning election-day voter registration (61-39). Republicans were so desperate, in fact, that they resorted to playing the gay card. It's a particularly sweet win because an outside "mystery group" dumped a huge wad of cash on TV ads to try and bamboozle us…and failed spectacularly. I hope it was the Koch Brothers, and I hope they felt our middle-finger salute all the way down to their Fifth Avenue penthouses.
Also in Maine: despite a deluge of ads touting jobs, jobs, jobs, we said no, no, no to three proposed casinos by landslide margins. Tough titty, Vegas carpetbaggers. Have a nice flight home.
Mississippi: The people spoke loud and clear by a margin of 58-42: miscarriage and birth control are not tantamount to murder. I'm glad y'all cleared that up for us. This makes three rejections in a row (the previous two happened in Colorado) for the conservative crowd's crusade to inject their religious convictions into the most personal and private health decisions of, ultimately, all Americans. Now, here's a little brain teaser for ya: If the other side had won, they would've claimed it was "God's will." But they lost, so it was ___. Yes, spelling counts.
Kentucky: Big cheer for Democratic Governor Steve Beshear, who won reelection 56-44 against David Williams. And good guy Jack Conway won the Attorney General's race.
Georgia: Bottoms up, Atlanta! You'll soon be able to buy liquor on Sunday. And the first one in line will probably be Herman Cain.
Arizona: In a highly publicized recall vote, state Senator Russell Pearce, the author of the state's odious "Papers, please" law, was summarily kicked to the curb by voters in Maricopa County. He'll be replaced by another Republican, but the message was clear: mean people suck.
Iowa: In a state senate race that threatened to throw control of the entire lawmaking machine to Republicans, Democrat Liz Mathis won her race. So, with the state Senate remaining in Democratic hands, that means gay marriage is safe for another couple years. Now get out there, Hawkeyes, and throw some rice!
Holy hanging chads, Batman! Methinks tea party conservatives just got their asses kicked by us latte-chugging liberals. (One disappointing exception: Virginia.) Let's see how the traditional media treats our massive landslide victory. As always, my money's on "excellent news for John McCain."
JEERS to America's former li'l buddy. Thirty-one years ago, in 1980, Saddam Hussein declared war against Iran. And naturally we couldn't start selling weapons of mass destruction to him fast enough. (The link is a video of Don Rumsfeld bowing to The Evil One in '83.) The lesson learned from that whole episode---The enemy of my enemy is my friend until he tries to shoot my daddy in which case we'll gin up bogus intelligence and lie our way into a war that starts conventionally but ends up in a quagmire of urban street fighting and sectarian feuds---is today enshrined on a wall in the Capitol building. I believe you'll find it in the third stall from the right.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Answer Man. Liveblogging legend Jed Lewison asks: "Why didn't a single reporter ask Herman Cain this question: If the Democratic machine is behind these allegations, how in the world did they know, back in 1997 and 1998, that you were going to run for President one day?"
Lazy.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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CHEERS (for comedy purposes only) to boobs on the tube. The Republican candidates will gather in Michigan today for another debate, this one airing on CNBC. Also on CNBC and every other channel: the first nationwide test of the new National Emergency Alert System. Wow---two major TV events in one day. One will make you want to duck and cover under a desk in a fallout shelter, and the other is the National Emergency Alert System.
JEERS to talking out your butt. Get a load of this nugget by John "Don't Confuse Me With A Wizard" Dizard in the conservative National Review, written 14 years ago:
"I have [been] mightily encouraged by the victories of the Taliban Muslim fundamentalists in Afghanistan, which promised to upset the Greater Russian imperialists and bring an American pipeline project one step closer to reality. As we go to press the Talibans have suffered a reverse, but don't give up on them yet."
Good call, Sparky.
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Five years ago in C&J: November 9, 2006
JEERS to Rick Santorum. I just wanted to jeer him one more time before he fades into the wingnut woodwork for awhile after losing his senate seat Tuesday. You're a vicious, narrow-minded creep, sir, and you brought neither leadership nor civility to the upper chamber. To ease your loneliness, may we suggest a dog, man? [11/9/11 Update: He's back, and as big a barrel of laughs as ever.]
JEERS to the usual gang of idiots. Wonkette visited Freeperville yesterday and rounded up some election-night reaction from the knuckledragger wing of the Republican party. Sounds like someone got a little Windex sprayed in their hive...
This is a truly disgusting night. Outside of 9-11, I cannot think of a worse day. I really want to hurt somebody.
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The Jihadi's have won. They have proven they have a stronger will than America. They are now emboldened.
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Yes, and once the illegals flood in, the rats have a whole new army of ignorant rat voters.
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They can go to Canada...the only place we have left would be Australia! I love Australia as much as the next guy, but I'm an American, dammit! lol :)
Take heart li'l seethers---when you live in your mind it doesn't matter where your body is.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to lust among the Bible thumpers. Abstinence is dead. Long live abstinence. Or something:
[A]n evangelical magazine…claims that young, unmarried Christians are having premarital sex almost as much as their non-Christian peers.
The article in Relevant magazine, entitled “(Almost) Everyone’s Doing It,” cited several studies examining the sexual activity of single Christians. One of the biggest surprises was a December 2009 study, conducted by the National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, which included information on sexual activity. […] 80 percent of unmarried evangelical young adults (18 to 29) said that they have had sex---slightly less than 88 percent of unmarried adults, according to the teen pregnancy prevention organization.
The article highlights what challenges abstinence movements face. Movements such as “True Love Waits,” encourage teens to wear purity rings, sign virginity pledges and pledge chastity during public ceremonies. Yet many of these Christian youths eventually abandon their purity pledges, Relevant's Tyler Charles concludes in the article.
Locked into a disturbing mindset of ideological purity, the Powers That Be in Conservativeland respond to reports like this with the same old solution: "Abstinate Harder!" But time, and society, are passing them by. When it comes to twitterpation, the rules are pretty simple, as far as I'm concerned. Hump the one you love, love the one you hump, think before you doink, and get your trapeze safety-inspected twice a year.
Have a nice Wednesday. "On your left!!!!" Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
A new poll released today by Knowledge Networks finds that protesters on Wall Street are winning over the public more than two of their chief targets: Wall Street and Bill in Portland Maine.
---Think Progress
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