From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Little Gay Billy's BIG Gay Newsapalooza!
Busy busy:
Other than that, absolutely nothing is happening in Gayland.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, November 10, 2011
Note: To wipe a post-election grin off your face, stub your toe at 2am. Hugs, Heloise.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the end of Atlantic Hurricane Season: 20
Days `til Viva Lebowski 2011 at Bayside Bowl in Portland, Maine: 23
Number of job listings posted in September, the most in three years: 3.4 million
(Source: U.S. Labor Dept.)
Number of guests on last Sunday's edition of Face the Nation who had direct ties to GOP campaigns or its candidates: 7
Number who had ties to Democratic campaigns or candidates: 0
(Source: Media Matters)
Percent of Mainers who were expected to turn out for Tuesday's off-year election: 25%
Percent of Mainers who actually turned out: 35.2%
(Source: Dirigo Blue)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Alas, our governor, Rick (Goodhair) Perry, who has collected $1 million in insurance-company campaign contributions, is notoriously kind to the industry. Many of the 87 vetoes Perry unleashed in the "veto blizzard" of aught-one were, to put it mildly, at the behest of the insurance industry. But now insurance companies are as popular as the clap in this state, and everybody and his hamster is scrambling to get as far away as they can, while simultaneously accusing their political opponents of being in bed with the monsters. All in all, it's quite festive down here.
---October, 2002
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Oh my god…they got Snookums!!!
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JEERS to boobs on my tube. To the opening strains of gangsta music and the most melodramatic narration ever ("Eight candidates! One cage! Jim Kramer in an Elvis costume with a bullwhip! John Harwood in a sensible Joseph A. Bank double-breasted suit!"), CNBC served as the latest litterbox to collect the shitty ideas of the Republican presidential candidates last night. The theme of the evening was supposed to be the economy, but it ended up being more of a murder mystery:
Out of control spending is killing America! (Santorum)
Freddie Mae and Fanny Mac are killing America! (Bachmann)
Uncertainty is killing America! (Cain)
I can't remember what's killing America! It's three things, I think. Or five! (Perry)
The welfare state is killing America! (Gingrich)
The Federal Reserve is killing America! (Paul)
The successful auto industry bailouts are killing America! (Romney)
Nothing's killing America, really, as long as we enact some finely nuanced policies that…oh, what's the use? Nobody's listening to me anyway. I might as well be speaking Mandarin. Which I can do! Wanna hear me? (Huntsman)
My prediction of an Obama landslide stands on firmer ground than ever. For now, though, there's only one thing to do after watching last night's spectacle: send Texas a sympathy card.
CHEERS to being prepared. Yesterday afternoon was the first test of the National Alert System. As soon as I heard the "Ah-ooooh-gahs" coming through my TV, I grabbed my walker and my helmet and went to the local fallout shelter, which turns out is an abandoned W.W. II-era supply bunker a few blocks away. After peeling away the asbestos-warning tape, I found the door welded shut, so I went to Rent-A-Center for a box of TNT. After blowing a hole in the door, I spent a few hours dusting and vacuuming the place (I'm sorry, but I'm not going to ride out a commie missile strike in a filthy room where the only picture on the wall is "Dogs Playing Poker"). Then I found a desk under which to duck and cover, but I pulled my back out on the way down and had to kinda half-stand, half-sit for twenty minutes until the Advil kicked in. Once under the desk, I added to my protection by covering my head with a copy of Welcome to the Army, Soldier! The Complete Guide to Fighting Nazis and Gonorrhea. I was back home and in bed by 3am. All I can say is: thank god they finally simplified the system.
JEERS to falling off the proverbial cliff. The Dow plunged 400 points yesterday. Economists tell me you can thank Italy and its sleazeball pervert prime minister for creating a sense of panic in the world markets. Apparently the main problem is that the European Union no longer accepts spicy meat-uh-balls as collateral. Which leads me to today's C&J market tip: convert everything you have into General Tso's chicken.
CHEERS to knockin' that sucker down. Twenty-two years ago, the surreal and unthinkable happened when Berliners hacked away at that damned wall with pickaxes and hammers and brought it down---a mind-blowing moment that briefly galvanized the world in celebration, all thanks to this innocuous comment by Politburo member Guenter Schabowski a day earlier:
"Therefore...um...we have decided today...um...to implement a regulation that allows every citizen of the German Democratic Republic...um...to...um...leave East Germany through any of the border crossings," said Schabowski.
He appeared scarcely to believe his own words and we were all dumbfounded. What did he just say? Schabowski was asked when the new rule would take effect. "That comes into effect...according to my information.... immediately, without delay," Schabowski stammered, shuffling through the papers spread in front of him as he sought in vain for more information.
(Gee, he sounds like East Germany's version of Rick Perry.) This must-see Boston Globe photo diary documents the jubilation and its aftermath. I had the chance to visit (then-West) Berlin a couple times in the 70s when I was kid, and it was a jarring sight standing at the wall: vibrant and colorful on our side, oppressive and gray on the other. But I will say one thing for the former DDR: you could buy a slab of wienerschnitzel the size of a Mercedes hubcap there for a couple bucks. And all the saurkraut you could eat for one measly loyalty oath.
JEERS to ripping off an idiot's bright idea. Guess who's planning to "borrow" Florida Governor Rick Scott's brilliant plan to drug test public-assistance recipients? [Ding Ding Ding!] Correct! Maine Governor Paul LePage:
"I'm going to ask the Legislature to allow us to do what every truck driver in the United States of America has to do, take a random test," he said. "I think if we're going to take our own limited resources, we ought to be able to test 'em on occasion." [...]
Robyn Merrill of Maine Equal Justice, which provides legal services for the poor, said…"If the government has the right to drug-test people based on receipt of aid from public assistance programs, what is to stop the government from requiring drug testing for anyone who receives a student loan or any other government benefit?"
Shhh!!! Don’t give 'em any more ideas.
CHEERS to free choice. On November 10, 1793, France ended the forced worship of God. God immediately responded by renaming two of his cafeteria dishes in Heaven "freedom fries" and "freedom toast." Touchy.
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Five years ago in C&J---November 10, 2006: Midterm Madness continues:
JEERS to two big jerks. Good riddance: George Allen (VA) and Conrad Burns (MT) both conceded defeat yesterday, paving the way for stars Jim Webb and Jon Tester to take their place in the U.S. Senate a month and a half from now. As to what the losers should do with all their free time, may we suggest a few months in charm school (with special emphasis on anger management)?
CHEERS to pandemonium at FOX News. Their panties must be in an absolute twist now that all the leaders in the House and Senate are suddenly Democrats. Just think: they'll actually have to book 'em as guests once in awhile. I live for the day when Nancy Pelosi tells Sean Hannity to stick a sock in it.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the software revolution. On November 10, 1983, back when I was still banging out term papers on my REALLY LOUD Smith Corona electric typewriter, Microsoft introduced Version 1.0 of its Windows operating system. It wouldn’t actually be released until 1985, but the spark was...um...sparked. Wanna see something hilarious? Here's current CEO Steve Ballmer selling Windows 1.0---or more like selling the bejesus out of it (the last line is priceless). Meanwhile, Windows 8 is expected to debut next year. I hope they re-hire Clippy, the animated paperclip. We've got to get him off the streets. Oh, and today today in the C&J cafeteria: Fatal Error Casserole.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
Bill in Portland Maine thinks he should be on Mount Rushmore
---Talking Points Memo
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