From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
I Post Late Night Snark...Just Because I Cain:
"The harassment allegations keep coming at Herman Cain like an uninvited hand up a pleated skirt. … Cain held a press conference this evening to address the sexual harassment charges from numerous women coming out of the woodwork. Incidentally, I believe his woodwork coming out is one of the things he's accused of."
---Stephen Colbert
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"Herman Cain was unaware that China is a nuclear power. And I said to myself, 'Hey, Herman, how about making an unwanted advance on a history book?"
---David Letterman
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Cain Debate Clip: "We didn’t hear about [this bill] in the previous Congress because Princess Nancy sent it to committee and it stayed there!"
Jon Stewart: "Princess! … There's only three times you should ever use that term: with an actual female member of the Royal Family, a new Maltese puppy you got, and… Oh, what's the third? [Long pause] I'm gonna say EPA."
---The Daily Show
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"Herman Cain told a group of Occupy Wall Street protesters to go home, get a job, and get a life. That's the Republican version of hope and change, ladies and gentlemen."
---Jay Leno
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"The latest castoff from 'Dancing With the Stars,' Herman Cain, is here with us tonight. No, wait, I'm sorry. That's a joke from next year."
---Jimmy Kimmel
And two jokes from three years ago (guess which one is unintentional):
"Attention passengers: The Straight Talk Express is no longer in service. ... Barack Obama is our new president. I think I speak for everybody when I say, 'Anybody mind if he starts a little early?' ... At the end of the night, the electoral vote count was 349 for Obama, 148 for McCain. Or as Fox News says: too close to call."
---David Letterman
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"Barack Obama could be really smart and give Joe Lieberman a position within the administration."
---Very Serious Politico Journalist Roger Simon
ALERT: Today (Happy Veteran's Day!) is the last day of the special Netroots Nation promotion. Register to attend 2012 convention (Providence, June 7-10) and they'll donate $50 to Netroots for the Troops. They've even set up a dedicated link, which this is. It. Here. <--- Whoops, you've gone too far, it's back there.
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, November 11, 2011
Note: Yes, today is 11/11/11 on Planet earth. But I'd like to give a quick shoutout to all the peeps on my gaseous home planet of Mmmbop, where today's date is 22/22/22/22/22/22/22/22: "Cklee chicka chicka thooo!!!" (That, by the way, is NOT safe for work.)
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the deadline by which the Super Committee must announce that it is hopelessly deadlocked: 12
Days `til the Pirates in Paradise Festival in Key West: 13
Amount the federal government hopes to raise over 10 years by selling off 14,000 parcels of land, including parks, buildings and islands: $22 billion
(Source: Time via The Week)
Annual amount Penn State takes in from its football program: $70 million
(Source: The Portland Daily Sun)
Estimated unemployment rate among male U.S. veterans between 20 and 24: 33%
Number of U.S. servicemembers expected to re-enter civilian life over the next 5 years: 1 million
(Source: USA Today)
Year the word "Vacationland" first appeared on Maine license plates: 1936
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Awww...Peace and love on Wall Street.
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CHEERS to our men and women---straight and gay---in uniform. Today is Veterans' Day. The wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have certainly burned into this generation's brain the fact that military service is a grueling, unpredictable and uncompromising challenge that often means paying a heavy and unexpected price in the pursuit of politician-selected goals that are not always noble or necessary. The military is where we go to become a trained killer-of-bad-people and destroyer-of-bad-things in defense of our country, while at the same time serving as de facto U.S. ambassadors when we're on foreign soil. And while we could go on and on about how our armed forces have been kicking ass for 235 years (in yer face, Cornwallis!), we'll leave it, as always, at a simple..."Thank You."
CHEERS to holiday haggling (repeated from Monday's post for west coasters who might not have seen it). In three weeks, the elves at Netroots Nation will ring in the 3rd annual online holiday bazaar/auction---the one made up of all-handmade/hand-baked items---and they need your help make it the biggest and jolliest evuh. Says McJoan:
Here's your chance to shine, and to share your talents with the community. So far we've got, as tradition now dictates, a hand-knitted afghan from Nolan's mom (that'd be the mom of Nolan Treadway, intrepid Netroots Nation Logistics and Political Director), a prayer flag and a reclaimed wood sculpture, among other things. And I've heard a rumor that those incredible Kentucky Bourbon Balls from the past are going to make a triumphant return.
If you can think it up, can make, write, photograph, paint, knit, sew, bake or sculpt it (weld? carve? whittle?) we want it. E-mail Karen Kolber at karen@netrootsnation.org to make your donation [or ask questions].
Proceeds help pay costs associated with the NN convention (Proividence, June 7-10) and regional events throughout the year. If you want some inspiration for ideas, check out the items from last year's auction. Then put on your thinking cap this weekend and unleash your creativity. I'll give you a starting point: knit, sculpt, carve, bake or forge some thinking caps. Ta-da!
JEERS to the second "Oops!" I'm sure there are lessons to be learned from the Rick Perry "brain freeze/fart/turd/meltdown" at Wednesday night's GOP debate. The most obvious one, I guess, would be: If you're going to be a puppet of greedy corporate tycoons, make sure their hand is shoved far enough up your ass so that you can spout your talking points without having to unnecessarily engage your brain. But, just for the historical record, I'd like to point out that Gov. Perry actually double-fumbled. The first time he tried to list the three federal agencies he'd abolish, he was at least able to blurt out two of 'em. But the second time he tried it, he couldn’t even list two:
"I would do away with Education…uh, the, uh…[A voice off-camera says: "Commerce"]…Commerce! And, let's see…I can't. The third one I can't. Sorry. Oops."
I think I know why Perry is so willing to "abolish education." Because all he has to do is step on a debate stage to get totally schooled.
CHEERS to Democrats from the Democratic wing of the Democratic Party. Happy birthday (and many blessings on your camels) to Senator Barbara Boxer of California---71 today. Why am I so happy she beat Carly "Demon Sheep" Fiorina last year? Oh, let me count a few ways:
I think Democrats are right. We fight for the American dream, for the environment, for privacy rights, a woman's right to choose, a good public education system.
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I was a stock broker once. I think there is an absolute place for market investments. But they should never be the basis of one's retirement. They should be an additional piece on top of a basic, secure, guaranteed retirement benefit.
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Medical professionals, not insurance company bureaucrats, should be making health care decisions.
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We know no document is perfect, but when we amend the Constitution, it would be to expand rights, not to take away rights from decent, loyal Americans. This great Constitution of ours should never be used to make a group of Americans permanent second-class citizens.
Right on.
CHEERS to Tuesday in perspective. I have read every single analysis of the 2011 elections and What It All Means from right-wing pundits, left-wing puindits and middle-of-the-road pundits. But only one pundit has truly encapsulated what went down three short days ago in America. Caution: Contains Unexpurgated References to God-Given Anatomical Naughty Parts! Ladies and gentlemen, I give you…The Rude Pundit:
For the last year, Republicans have been walking around with big hard-ons, sticking them in everyone's face, saying, "Yeah, aren't you so impressed with how big my cock is?" For a good chunk of the year, the media and the public and, indeed, many Democrats have been responding, "Yes, yes, that's a really huge erection you've got there, Cantor." And some of them have added, "Can we get some work done now?" To which the tumescent Republicans have said, "No. We can't get any work done at all until you talk more about how big my cock is with this raging boner." Which would lead to more talk about, oh, gee, just how enormous a hard-on it is. So instead of actually accomplishing anything. all everyone does is sit around and talk about Republican dicks.
Yesterday, voters across the country smacked those erections and said, "Get those fucking things out of our faces."
And see your doctor. That’s just not normal.
CHEERS to dumping that which don't work. Attorney General Eric Holder says the "Fast and Furious" program was incredibly dumb and "It must never happen again." Word has it Vin Diesel and Paul Walker spent the day screaming at their agents.
CHEERS and "Alki!" to the Evergreen State. Washington was admitted as our 42nd state 122 years ago, on November 11, 1889. To mark the occasion, some people might enjoy biting into a nice juicy Washington apple. But I prefer to drink mine. Noshing on healthy food gives my liver a false sense of hope.
JEERS to today's C&J pop quiz:
Which event recently caused a vicious and violent backlash by students, during which they caused extensive property damage, injuries, and a black eye to the reputation of America's youth?
a) Wall Street and the federal government nearly destroying the U.S. economy through greed and regulatory neglect, resulting in a huge, decades-long shift of wealth to the top one percent, economic volatility for years to come, and a rapidly-eroding standard of living for the middle class.
b) The leader of a team involved in sporting competitions at a university getting fired for shielding an assistant who was literally caught committing acts of pedophilia on campus.
If you said b, you get an A. And we all get a facepalm.
CHEERS to the Grandpappy of Bloggerdom. Happy anniversary to Josh Marshall, whose universally-respected (and freshly re-designed!) Talking Points Memo turns 11 years old Sunday. (To put that in human terms, it's like being the same age as the oldest person in the world, which I believe is currently 114.) You can re-live the birth of this progressive supernova in the early posts from the 2000 Florida recount, although I must warn you it might dredge up some painful memories and cause your blood pressure to spike. Polk Award winner Josh and his crew provide no-frills reporting with just enough analysis and snark to help us make sense of politics, and nothing the righty blogs offer comes close to TPM's objectivity, accuracy and speed. And now Josh is even a regular guest on MSNBC. (Hell, I say give him his own show.) Of course, TPM is no Great Orange Satan...but, then again, no one's perfect.
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Five years ago in C&J: November 11, 2006
JEERS to Meet the Press as usual. Democrats pulled off a parting-of-the-wingnut-sea midterm miracle and who does Timmah book for Sunday? Republican John McCain and Republipendent Joe Lieberman. Instead we'll be watching ABC's This Week as Joe Biden and Carl Levin lay out their plans as chairs of the Foreign Relations and Armed Services committees. Real relations with foreigners? Real services to the troops? Oh, you tease!
CHEERS to the Lavender Thumpin'. A brief update on the last three days of the gay rights movement in America: In Massachusetts, marriage equality is more secure than ever. In North Dakota, the brainwashing of a new generation of homophobes is crushed now that Jesus Camp has been shuttered. Anti-gay constitutional amendments passed but also backfired, helping fuel the Dem landslide. Arizona's gay marriage amendment actually failed. James Dobson broke up with Ted Haggard (ouch---no pre-nup). And a record number of openly-gay candidates won their races Tuesday. Other than that it was pretty quiet.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to home vegetation. Here's the haps on the TV tubeses this weekend. On HBO's Real Time, Bill Maher wraps up the season with Common, Chris Matthews, Reps. Barney Frank and Keith Ellison, plus blogger Andrew Sullivan. New DVD releases include the final Harry Potter flick and the film that's sure to sweep the Golden Raspberry Awards next year: Atlas Shrugged, Part 1. (It doesn't look like there'll be a part 2 on account of the first one caused all but three moviegoers on the planet to go Galt.) Emma Stone hosts SNL. Plenty of NFL action on tap, including New England at the New York Jets Sunday evening. On 60 Minutes: Taser mania, and University of Maryland (at Baldymore) President Freeman Hrabowski on the rise of his science departments.
And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Up! With Chris Hayes (Sat. 7-9am, Sun. 8-10am): Saturday: Elizabeth Holtzman, Reihan Salam, Victoria DeFrancesco Soto & Michael Dyson. Sunday: MSNBC's Martin Bashir and NY Attorney General Eric Schneiderman.
Meet the Press: Michele Bachmann; DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz; roundtable with Ed Gillespie, E.J. Dionne, David Brooks and Helene Cooper.
This Week: It's mostly just roundtable action this week, with George Will, Donna Brazile, Dana Loesch, ABC News' Jonathan Karl and Christine Brennan, former U.N. weapons inspector David Albright and Karim Sadjadpour from the Carnegie Endowment for International Peace.
Face the Nation: They're not even pretending anymore: Three Republicans (Haley Barbour, Lindsay Graham, Jon Huntsman) and 1 Democrat (MD Gov. Martin O'Malley). Plus roundtable with Dee Dee Myers, John Dickerson, Kathleen Parker and Major Garrett.
CNN's State of the Nation: Jeebus Priebus! A great big platter full of conservatives: Republican Rep. Jeb Hensarling (TX), Sen. Mark Warner (VA), Sen. Tom Coburn (OK), and RNC Reince Priebus. Oh, and one liberal: Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa of L.A.
Washington Week: CNBC's John Harwood, discusses what it was like to preside over Rick Perry's self-destruction Wednesday night; Michael Duffy of Time and Karen Tumulty of The Washington Post discuss John Harwood's discussion of Rick Perry's self-destruction.
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Super Committee members Sen. Pat Toomey (R-PA) and Rep. James Clyburn (D-SC) explain how the deadlocking process works and why they're succeeding at it so spectacularly.
Happy sleeping in...and have a great weekend!
Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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