Applications Wanted:
Head Coach, Pen's State Varsity Football Team
Pen's State, Happiest Valley
The applicant must have charisma and be one or more of the following: megalomaniac, narcissist, or sociopath.
Applicant must have ten years’ experience being a pedophile or covering up for close friends and/or co-workers who are pedophiles.
Applicant must have five years’ experience in criminal solicitation detailed below:
Must be an expert in supplying football players and coaches with liquor, women, cash and cars without being busted.
Must have experience reinforcing the perception that Alumni should lavish any "gifts" that players and coaches request for the good of Pen's State.
Applicants duties include convincing alumni that Pen's State reputation and honor come before State and Federal Laws.
Applicant must always put the good of Pen's State before morality. Pen's State players and coaches must be protected from scandal at all cost. Coaches and players who are rapists and pedophiles must never be prosecuted. The trauma and psychological damage of their current and future victims are unimportant. The greatest good is Pen's State winning football games.
Applicant must be able to convince all members of Pen's State Family of students, staff and alumni that anyone who causes trouble for the players and coaches of Pen's State is a Judas and must be sent death threats.
Please apply in confidence to the Board of Trustees, Pen's State, Happiest Valley