Every once in a while, a person crashes headlong into their own limitations and character flaws, and it's at that point when a choice has to be made: Honestly owning up or running away to make the same mistakes over and over. I've learned through a litany ofmany self-inflicted disasters that the latter goes nowhere, and that the former is the only way to move forward regardless of how sickening it is to confront one's self in moments of weakness and ugliness.
So here is the unvarnished truth, which I will explain in more detail below: I am not leadership material. I am unreliable as a member of any kind of delicate new organization, except perhaps as an adviser at arm's length. The more comfortable I am with people, the more likely I am to blindly step on them. I do not respond appropriately in a timely manner to sudden and emotionally fraught new information. The latest manifestation of these gut-wrenching facts is that I blundered arrogantly into a promising new group just beginning to form, and ended up publicizing the names of group members, thinking they were already public and that I was doing something noble by giving them credit. I feel like a moron, and because of the flailing way I responded to the understandably distraught reaction to what I'd done, I feel like a bully. I apologize to everyone involved and the community, and elaborate further below.
First, I need to make clear that I offer no excuses - I simply give a description of events as part of my confession and apology. I won't compound my mistake by saying anything that would further expose or embarrass the other people involved, but I will not hold back anything out of embarrassment on my own part. My politics demands candor from society, so candor is something I must give in return when morally and ethically demanded.
An idea occurred to me for a fully-operational branch of Occupy Wall Street that would hold its General Assemblies and working groups entirely on the internet and act strategically nationwide - kind of like a NORAD for the Occupy movement. I found there was an existing (albeit still forming) group that had some overlap with this idea, and sought to merge my concept with their growing network. Some of the members were intrigued enough with the concept to let me join their group, and I was feeling pretty good about the prospects for further progress - in fact, I was giddy with the possibilities floating around in my head, totally divorced from the practicalities that would be involved.
Prematurely, I published a diary for the entire community describing the concept, and as a kind of asinine attempt to seem collegial - as if I already knew these people - I dropped their names as listed in the group, thinking that (a) the names were the same as their Daily Kos handles and already public, and (b) that it would be taken as a sign of respect and credit. In other words, I didn't want to pretend that this was all my idea when several people had already formed a group on overlapping grounds.
They were understandably outraged, believing (with good cause, given immediate appearances) that I had "infiltrated" their group in order to expose them. This was so far removed from my intentions and the reactions I'd expected to hear that I failed to even recognize the pertinent facts of their objections, and did not immediately take what in hindsight would have been obvious actions to address them. Instead, I reacted to the tone of the reaction, trading barbs and accusations with people I should have been apologizing to and acting to reassure. This is, once again, proof of the fact that I am not leadership material in any capacity other than providing ideas and advice to people more capable and careful working with others.
Once the situation began to come into focus, the damage had been done. I deleted the inappropriate information from the diary, but was still operating in a cloud of omni-directional anger (not least at myself) and did nothing to acknowledge fault or reassure people who justifiably felt violated. In what seemed like an instant, I had gone from feeling like I was beginning something of potential value to being shown, even in my own eyes, as incompetent. It struck at the heart of the awareness I strive for in life, and for a time the feelings of the people I'd exposed didn't seem as important as what I was feeling - I saw only my own fundamental flaws on display, and perceived people trying to salvage their dignity as a malicious mob who didn't deserve an apology. That reaction on my part sickens me in retrospect. People told me over and over how to salvage the situation, giving me essentially perfect advice, and all I saw in it was gloating and condescension. I behaved like a wounded animal rather than a responsible person, and the knowledge that the wound was self-inflicted made everything much worse.
But the more time passed, the more reality seeped in. I saw that deleting the information was not enough, and so I deleted the diary that had contained it, finally taking the good advice I'd been given. But I still wasn't anywhere near ready to deal squarely with my compounded mistakes, so I said nothing to the people I'd exposed, or if they contacted me, I responded in tone-deaf fashion, beginning to admit what I'd done but at the same time still heaping blame on others. Reinforcing that tone-deafness and insensitivity, I immediately followed up deleting that diary with what I hoped was a superior one that would drown out the mistakes of the previous with a compelling and name-dropping-free explanation of my idea. I had told myself this was a positive step, but it was seen by some - and truthfully, at least in part - as a cowardly attempt to run away from the mistake rather than addressing it.
It was, again understandably, not well-received. The fact that a promising idea has been tarnished, perhaps irreparably, is entirely my fault, as is the damage done to what other people had already invested in the existing group I joined. I've been corresponding since then with some of the people involved as well as the staff to get back on the right track, and they've been quite patient in helping me realize my responsibility here. And in the case of the staff, I've made the following clear: If I ever become so completely odious, thoughtless, and incapable of listening to reason that they tell me I cost the community more than I contribute, I will walk away and never look back, not even so much as lurking. Pride is my overwhelming sin, but it makes me a man of my word at almost any cost, so know that I mean that when I say it.
To those whose privacy I compromised and whose trust I took for granted, I am truly sorry - I blundered mindlessly into the minefield of my own blind spots, and dragged you with me. This type of colossal fuck-up has happened before, because as the saying goes, "Wherever you go, there you are." But I'd like to think I've grown, if only a little bit, each time and been better able to avoid it or correct my mistakes because of the experience. Since I've placed several people in the awkward position of their names being known, I will join them: My name is Brian Altmeyer. Unlike what may be the case with some of the people whose information I released, I risk relatively little in making my name public knowledge, so I don't pretend it's equivalent - but I want those people to know I consider them friends, colleagues, comrades, and countrymen (even if they aren't literally countrymen), no matter what they come to think of me in return, and I want to be of value to them and to the world.
--Troubadour
P.S., I would like to effusively apologize to The Troubadour for once again likely exposing him to blowback from my fuckups. He is a pillar of the community, and I am more like some architectural curiosity that is occasionally popular and occasionally despised. In a perfect world, I'd give up my name in recognition of that fact so that people would stop being confused and he'd stop taking shit for my behavior, but on this I'm sorry to say my priorities are irrational and prideful. But I do regret the cost nonetheless.
P.P.S., if there is anything in this apology that infuriates, offends, betrays, or in any other way causes people to think the worst of me, I don't see it. But then, I've never seen it until it's pointed out to me. If there is anything like that here, please let me know before drawing conclusions from it. High-volume complexity is my home, and sooner or later that always hits the jackpot of unintended consequences. The road less traveled is full of surprises.
P.P.P.S., writing this was quite an effort, so I will be taking a few hours' break from monitoring the comments. If you ask me questions, please be prepared to wait a few hours to hear back. You're welcome to reject my apology if you are one of the people whose information I released. You're welcome to say whatever you like about me here - I give you carte blanche. You're also welcome to HR this diary.