A parable of Republican beliefs found in the back yard.
My neighbor is a good Republican in Oregon. I know he is a Republican because of the 2 bumper stickers on his car:
Yo Hillary, Get Me a Beer!
Strip Mining Prevents Forest Fires
He is not a stupid man, but neither is he terrifically bright either. His bumper sticker politics indicate that he is less of a Buckley Republican and more a Limbaugh Republican. I find it hard to conjure any respect for the latter. My neighbor used to work as an engineer for HP in a chip fab, but was laid off 2 years ago. (Irony alert: the good Republican practices (profits before employees!) of HP's CEOs (Carley Fiorina among them and now Meg Whitman?! WTF?) led to his chip fab plant being packed up to Italy for its cheaper labor, which caused his lay off. He is likely oblivious to this and I am sure blames Obama for his predicament.)
My neighbor keeps to himself and I keep mostly to mine. The only real dealing we've had with each other in our 8 years as neighbors is when I asked him about the trampoline he dumped behind our homes a few years back. There is a protected green belt back there which drains storm runoff into the Willamette River. His none-too-bright sons destroyed their trampoline by letting an adventurous neighbor skateboard off the roof onto it, bending the frame. I don't blame the skateboarder--his was a leap of imagination and daring--he will go far in the world if he doesn't kill himself first. The neighbor kids however, might have shown a little more care and respect for the trampoline their father paid for.
But rather than do the right thing (dismantle the equipment and throw it away properly), my good Republican neighbor dragged it into the protected green belt to let the blackberry thickets grow over it .
I knocked on his door to ask him about it. I found his response to be typical of Republican attitudes:
me: I was wondering why you dumped your busted trampoline on public property?
him: I am the public, I pay my taxes. No one is gonna know or care if I put that back there.
me: what if some company dumped toxic waste back there that made your family sick?
him: that's different
me: not to me it isn't
That was several years ago and I've paid him no mind ever since. This Fall however, while venturing out to take care of the many leaves in my yard (this is Oregon, after all, the place where we keep the trees), I came across a pile of grass clippings and leaves that my neighbor had purposefully dumped on my property from tending to his own yard.
And there it was for me in stark relief, Republican attitudes writ small into every act, even the yard work: I will do whatever I please that I think I can get away with.
This was too much. The property line is clearly marked and there is no mistaking where his ends and mine begins. Maybe he thought he could attempt an adverse possession though I seriously doubt he knows what that is. The only credible conclusion is that, just like the trampoline, he was too lazy to do the right thing and he thought he could get away with it.
So the question I now faced was: how to deal with it? First I pitchforked the pile back into his yard (as messily as possible). But would that be enough? No, I decided, I would write a note. But what kind of note? Would an earnest appeal to neighborly behavior work? No, probably not. The earnest approach only works with people who would not intentionally behave badly in the first place. Should I be indignant and pissy? No, that usually only makes people double down on their bad behavior. Should I go Jesus on him and turn the other cheek? It's not in my DNA to do that. How should I handle it? Well, inspiration soon struck while I finished raking the leaves. Here is the note I left, attached to the stake marking the property line.
Dear Friend and Neighbor,
I wanted to thank you for your recent attempt to bridge the political divide between us by redistributing your wealth of leaves to me. However you should know that these 8 years of seeing your bumper stickers have caused me to have a change of heart. I have seen the light, I am now and forever a firm believer in Reganomics, the Austrian School of Economics, trickle-down economics, and Ayn Rand. Grover Norquist should pose naked in Forbes with a Laffer Curve covering his junk.
So it is with joy that I return your socialist leaves to you. I suggest, in these dark times, that you gather them all up and go Galt with them. Take your leaves to Colorado, hide in your bunker until the 99% have died from their inability to survive without the 1% (or have at least been thoroughly pepper-sprayed). Only then should you re-emerge, triumphant, a master of the universe, in control of all your leaves and your destiny.
God Bless Money,
~your friend and neighbor