I have to admit...I haven't yet ventured out to do any Christmas shopping. Which means, among other things, that I haven't yet been subjected to mind numbing Mall Christmas Muzak. Nor do I listen to the kinds of radio stations that are likely to start slipping Bing Crosby's crooning rendition of White Christmas, or Brenda Lee's jaunty "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree", into their song rotation. This bodes well for my sanity during the next couple of weeks.
I'm not a complete Scrooge, mind you. I enjoy a Christmas carol once in a while as much as the next person. But over the years, there have been some truly horrible, almost indescribably bad Christmas albums released. Like an aging rock act that finds itself playing gigs at some far flung Indian Casino, releasing a Christmas album for most artists is one sure sign that your best days are behind you, and you probably should retire while you still have your dignity.
So, for your...ahem...listening pleasure, I have collected what might possibly be ten of the absolute worst Christmas songs ever recorded. Pour yourself an eggnog, and leave plenty of room for some whiskey. You're gonna need it.
In no particular order:
I don't know about you, but for me it just doesn't start feeling like Christmas until I hear Charo singing Mamacita, Donde Esta Santa Claus Can you say "cuchi, cuchi, cuchi?"
Who doesn't enjoy stretching out in the evening before a crackling fire looking at the Christmas tree all lit up in the darkened room, with the stereo blasting Twisted Sister's version of "White Christmas?" Eat your heart out, Bing.
We all have a shared collection of visions and traditions that we associate with Christmas, but let's face it...we don't all live in that Norman Rockwell setting. From RuPaul's yuletime classic "Ho Ho Ho", I submit to you "All I Want For Christmas"
Mojo Nixon, at least, understands that Christmas is a Christian Holiday. He sings his version of "We Three Kings"
Who doesn't own the album "Christmas on Death Row"? I like to wear my Santa hat backward when I listen to "Santa Claus Goes Straight to the Ghetto"
Hey Baby...you are lookin' fine tonight, and Keith Sweat "Wants to Be Your Santa Claus"
Okay...I enjoyed Southern Rock as much as anyone, played my share of air guitar to "Free Bird", but who needs Lynyrd Skynyrd teaming up with .38 Special on a Christmas album? oohh, that smell, indeed.
Can there be anything more disturbing than a Jethro Tull Christmas Album? He had to be thick as a brick, and so was the record company, when he recorded this gem. "Jack Frost and the Hooded Crow"...the stuff that treasured holiday memories are made of.
When I think of Lorne Greene, I think of Ben Cartright...with his leather vest, cowboy hat and a gun on his hip. And when I hear him sing "Christmas Is A Comin'" I want to tell him to just shoot me.
Last, but not least, is one that actually gets played a lot. An awful lot. In fact, if I hear this chingada cancion one more time, I just might go postal. And "I mean that from the bottom of my heart", Mr Feliciano.